forgiveness

my awe-inspiring, late drawing professor, gabrielle ellertson, once told me that the paper we draw on, has its own memory. whatever marks and lines we make, the paper always remembers. even when we try to erase an unwieldy line or a poorly placed mark, the lead lines are less obvious, but they linger, they are never completely gone.

i remember that moment vividly. i remember thinking, "how true!"

when i was younger, i was an incorrigible perfectionist. if i made a mistake while writing notes to my friends, i would often rewrite the entire letter, until it was complete, to perfection. i sigh now at how ridiculous my younger self sought control. as a child, i think i believed in the idea of perfection. i think i found mistakes a sign of inferiority, a mark of weakness. so i chose to present myself with as much perfection as i could.

i am thankful that i have shed much of that constraining perfectionist tendency and have learned to value and appreciate mistakes, marks, as a part of me, a vibrant and necessary memory. understanding mistakes is about accepting and giving forgiveness, to yourself, to others. there's a saying, "forgive and forget." i'm going to modify that and say instead, "forgive and learn." don't forget, that's what cultivates the deeper understanding of who you are. people want to forget, to erase. people want to reset. but you don't need a "fresh" clean start to begin anew. learn instead to accept. because no matter how you much you try to erase, it will be there. the memory remains.

a person with whom i opened my heart to recently asked me for forgiveness. i opened my heart fully the first time and much more apprehensively the second time around. both times, have resulted in varying depths of disappointment and sadness. i cannot ignore what i currently feel, but, in order to let go of the residual anger, i know that this too will be forgiven. EVENTUALLY.

but right now, i'm appalled by his behavior. it bothers me that my emotions were jerked around and flip-flopped as a direct result of his inability to figure himself out. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!! if you are uncertain, if you are confused, do not go around professing emotions that you cannot support, a mere 7 days later.