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i've recently encountered more than one sentimental-little-engine-that-could-believe-in-yourself-new-agey-but-
still-inspiring written passages and i wonder if this is the universe's way of telling me to not give up. not that i would really ever give up, but, in my current state of welcomed apathy, i've been a bit of a brooder, a moody prone to quick bouts of slightly destructive tendencies edgier version of myself. i am thankful for my own space to be whatever i feel.

my sad homesickness has turned it's beautiful ugly head towards the antisocial variety. instead of overly concerning myself with what others are doing and thinking, i've smartly chosen to focus on what i need/want to do. let me tell you folks, this is a very energy zapping and draining procedure. especially, since i am the type of person who lets one question transform itself into a myriad of other thought provoking, challenging questions. it's like a mental choose your own adventure story--only graciously, the survival rate is 100 percent in my favor. i'm not going to suddenly decide to go right at the fork in the road and die.

it's a very frustrating, annoying, enlightening, humorous experience to be a korean american in korea. for once in my life, i'm not asked the most banal question that is often thwarted in my face in the united states: where are you from? holyshitballs! i am actually in the motherfuckin majority. wow! wtf?!?! i am surrounded by other black haired (you would not believe how radical some of the hairstyles are here...metrosexuals in the states have absolutely nothing on korean men!) short, (the tall koreans really stick out!) stylish, koreans. it's an incredible feeling to seem this completely anonymous. on the other hand, when i open my mouth, now, that's a whole'nother ball park. and it's disgustingly full of hypocrisy, ignorance and stupidity.

fear is an awful reason to not do something you want to do. we have the ability to be the forces and agents of our own change. my, that is an amazing discovery. as an american, i know that i have the privilege to say that. and furthermore, as an american, i very much welcome that take charge mentality. (and whether we are fully conscious or not of our decisions, we make many choices everyday) ghandi did in fact say, be the change you want to see. by coming to korea, i made that change for myself and will hopefully have the courage to keep taking risks. of course, all of this is easier said than done and there are days when picking myself up from the depths of self doubt feels like the hardest thing i've ever done.

koreans often say, "oh my! what's wrong with you? why is your korean so terrible?" or "you're korean! you should really learn to speak korean fluently!" uh, tell me something i don't already know, okay mister?!?! the hypocrisy of it all though, is that if you're korean and can speak english and korean fluently, you're a rockstar. however, if you happen to be korean-american with less than ideal korean skills, you're like the blackest sheep of the all dominating ethnocentric korean family. i used to harbor korean language guilt, which allowed me to feel free to speak grammatically botched spanish and italian but i became mute around koreans. it's so disheartening to speak korean and have the utmost desire to improve, yet strangers (of course, men mostly) scold me for my limited vocabulary. my american boldness wants to stomp their words with my own more powerful ones, but i've learned that more often than not, it's my own breath i'd be wasting. so i'm saving it for a later time.

i've been thinking quite a bit about what i'm doing: working, teaching, learning, dreaming. i realize that i've been misdirecting my energy, going with whatever, rather than being selective. reading passages from work related materials has re-inspired me to continue to take life with its fullness and richness, by the balls. start here.