it happens

(shiiiiiiiiii) it happens.
traveling, which is one of the most joyful of experiences, does not come without its share of burdens. wanderlusts can lose a hairbrush left by the bathroom sink, an address book inadvertantly misplaced at the post office, a shirt, hung to dry overnight on a hostel bedpost, forgotten the next morning, remembered hours after, dismissed yet missed. hours earlier today, i lost my camera. (r.i.p.)

my travel mate, nami and i were sitting on a bench eating our respective pre-dinner snacks. she munched on falafel, i downed my umpteenth pad thai. a cute dog--there are many many dogs in all parts of thailand that roam freely. i think they're all related, they look so alike!--sat in front of us and begged with its pleading eyes for a sample of my dish. now, i'm not usually one to succumb to requests, but i felt like sharing so i gave him a smidge. i humored myself in thinking that a dog has as much of a pad thai pleasure as me (he rejected nami's piece of falafel earlier) and i took its portrait. unfortunately, i had three things in my hands--nami later told me the misfortune of the rule of 3. it means that one of the three things is usually forgotten. in my case, my camera.--and while i was convinced at the time that i had put my camera back in my bag, i later learned, much to my extreme disappointment (my sense of mind and pride suffering disbelief and pain) that i must've (mis)placed my camera by the side of my bag, left unprotected, on the bench.

i noticed my lack of camera about 2 hours later, when i wanted to take a picture of a pretty in pink sunset. i panicked when my camera wasn't where i thought it was and knew right away with an awful sinking feeling both in my gut and in my throat, that my camera was gone from me, permanently. i checked my bags, the room, and as immediately as the sinking feeling came, it was gone, replaced instead with anger, disbelief in myself, my brain, my lack of mind, in the form of forgetful aloofness.

i ran back to the bench and hoped to see it there, untouched. no such luck. i then, asked several shopowners nearby if they had seen a camera. they hadn't...who would honestly turn in a luxury camera (surely there are far more luxurious models, but this one was pretty damn hot!)when the owner, me, had been so neglectful? (and if they wanted to return it me, how would they? there's no police station on the island of koh pha ngan...and while this place is small, what sort of central location posts lost and found items?)

my immediate reaction was, of course, naturally to blame myself. how could i have let this happen? meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!?!?! i usually check, double check my belongings, especially when they are costly and give me an instant and beautiful means to express myself visually. then i blamed that damn dog. then i blamed pad thai. if i hadn't eaten pad thai then that dog wouldn't have enticed me then i'd still have my camera. then, i realized, that a camera--a camera!--surely has a lot of power over me. i would rather own my possessions that have my possessions own me--fight club, anyone?--and after a thankfully brief yet ugly display of cursing, laughing and a wee bit of crying, i went and got a relaxing thai massage. my second today.

it could be terribly worse. i could've lost my wallet, (sweet jesus, just thinking about that makes me anxious!) or worse, my passport. (quiver, quiver, headache extreme...) and do i still feel like poo? yes, sometimes i do. but thankfully, those moments are lingering less and i am consciously making them fade gradually, but with increasing strength. i lost my camera, however, there's still so much i DO have. i have my health, i have my sense of humor, i have the ability to laugh at something that in my youth may have caused me too much unnecessary grief. i'm learning to let go and practice self-kindness in the face of annoying agitation. i think, i may be (gasp!) maturing and am actually aware of how i'm doing so.

losing my camera is an absurdly remarkable example of the live-and-learn lessons i'm applying to my life. i'm reading a thought-provoking book by paulo coelho called the witch of portobello. seconds before i realized i lost my camera, the main character, athena, questions heron, who i think is her soon to be lover, about why he keeps so many books in his library and asks him if he will honestly re-read any of them. he responds that they are such a strong part of him that he refuses to part with them. she asks him if they are really that important (of course books are important!!! but to own all of them? a collected display of knowledge? and for whom?)...and that's what i'm asking myself, what are really REALLY my most important things? certainly not a camera that can be replaced. so while it's a pity for me to save money towards a new camera, i think i have learned very valuable lessons tonight:
1) don't have more than three things in your hands. seriously. we've got two hands and sometimes even with only one thing in our hands it's easy to get side-tracked of--ahem--what's at "hand." (even now, puns make me snicker!)and be present in the moment. take the time to remember.
2) don't take photos of random dogs pleading for pad thai. they're instant distractions.
3) it happens. there is no one to blame, but that life happens. it happens. so you live and learn, grow and share. i'm just really bummed out that i can't share any of my awesome shots of thailand with you...i think that means that i just have to return to this wonderful country with lovely people. and when i do, you sure as hell can bet that i won't forget my camera, anywhere.