REAL talk.

to be radically honest, we are all dying, a little bit, every day. such is the paradox of life, to be both living and dying in the same breath.

my friend is living and dying more precariously than the majority of us. last year, she went to the hospital to investigate her curiously high fever and the unexplainable lump she felt in her right breast. on the day she was to begin her new job, she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and only a month after her remission, doctors found more tumors throughout her body, in her lymph nodes and also in her lungs. the motherfucker metastasized unapologetically and vigorously. this apparently is very common to "triple-negative" breast cancer patients.

when she told me of her diagnosis, my heart sank. wtf is triple-negative breast cancer and why the fuck does it sound so terrible. TRIPLE NEGATIVE. not cool cancer. not fucking cool at all.

when treating breast cancer, the three most common types of receptors that respond to treatment are estrogen, progesterone and the HER-2/neu gene--hormone epidermal growth factor receptor 2. in triple-negative breast cancer, all THREE receptors are NOT found in the cancer tumor. this means that the tumor cells don't react--it's ineffective--to common cancer treatments like hormone therapy or drugs that target those three receptors. in these cases, chemotherapy and radiation are used as treatment but this particular type of breast cancer is especially aggressive, difficult to treat and the likelihood of it recurring and spreading is high. and my friend is no exception to this pattern.

after 6 months of chemotherapy, her tumors didn't show much of a difference or improvement, so on september 26th, 2012, she underwent a mastectomy. she spent time thereafter, recovering, going to physical therapy to regain use of her right arm and shoulder (i believe a part of her lymph nodes were also removed in her right arm pit) and also undergoing radiation instead of chemo since her body didn't react much to the former.

on june 5th, 2013, her doctors told her "unbelievable" news. her cancer was gone! she texted me, saying that she couldn't believe it and that she felt crazy good. and just as unbelievably, only a month after remission, the cancer came back. her doctors informed her that after 4 more rounds of chemo, if her body didn't show many response signals, there was not much more they could do.

cancer is a BEAST. it's not just chemo that she has to endure, but she also has to have routine blood transfusions so that she has a high enough white blood cell count to begin and then stomach chemo. after chemo, she spends days vomiting and feeling miserable, sad, despondent. cancer seems to come in a variety of shades and tones, affecting each victim differently and at any random time, changing the course of its action and speed. there is no way of knowing what could happen next...

this past sunday, we spent the entire day together, like two peas in a pod. we have known each other for 5 years and i'm not kidding when i say that i owe so much of my korean language, culture, and life knowledge acquisition to my dear, sweet friend. she gets me intuitively and ours is the kind of friendship that constantly shares food, stories and lots and lots of laughter. she can read my face for emotions, has often times finished my sentences, and never makes me feel any less than awesome for being me.

she confessed that the last time she was admitted in the hospital, (about a week ago) she wanted to die. she shared this news with her younger brother who immediately told her that she shouldn't think that way. (i'm not sure how i feel about this...) currently, she's trying to be more positive, but i began to wonder, because of my own fears, when does positivity become a burden? does positivity ever become false?

there's a saying from indian buddhist scholar, shantideva, that i've been telling myself these days like a mantra:

“If the problem can be solved why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.”

that sunday afternoon, we smiled and shared the simple joys in life: being able to sit up, stand up, and walk, enjoying good food, using the bathroom effortlessly, feeling the sunshine on your skin, loving a good crisp breeze, crossing the street in time with the cross light, the company of family and friends.

worrying does you/me no good. so, instead of worrying, i'm going to spend my energy and time in much more productive and satisfying ways: change unhealthy patterns into healthier and revitalizing ones, let go of old attachments, exercise patience, strengthen my boundaries and express gratitude. here's to life and to LIVING IT WELL.

inconvenient yet true.

this past week, i've committed myself to daily morning meditations. i wake up, use the bathroom and then, immediately meditate for 10 minutes. it's been a great process in mindfulness and today, i sat down to mediate and within 30 seconds, i heard banging and clanging and drilling and thought to myself, "how in the hell am i going to meditate through this?!?"

and then, i had a sudden AHA moment!

this IS meditation!

meditating through the noise, the annoyances and all the inconveniences is such a fitting analogy for life, because you know what? you can't always can't what you want. so deal. and by deal, i mean accept it, then continue forward, onward and meditate.

POST SCRIPT:
i shared the idea of not being able to always get what you want with my friend and she disagreed with me, explaining that you do actually always get what you want, but not necessarily in the ways or at the time that you want it. and i admit, i have to agree! the universe works in strange and mysterious ways...RESPECT.

fun yoga!

my photographer friend, jun and i spent one lovely october morning walking around my neighborhood. while i had fun doing yoga, he had fun documenting the yoga in action. here are some of my favorites!

 

 

 

lacking the heart connection.

it's super draining to be on a date and realize that the person you're getting to know resembles very little of the person you once loved.

it's at that moment when you can hear yourself talking that you'd rather stay silent, would rather be home alone or with friends who already know, accept, love you, and be in a safe place where you don't have to explain anything about who you are and how you've arrived here.

i am going to accept this as a sign that i'm not yet ready to date. my heart is still healing.

my first "published" article.

my neighborhood is experiencing a growth spurt of awesomeness. this is great news for the livelihood of the shops and business owners, yet not so secretly, i'm hoping that the corporate monsters don't smell this gaining popularity and try to put their grubby nasty paws on any empty spaces and make this, yet another version of so many previously-sweet-turned-same-lame spots.

i wanted to share some of my favorite local spots and put my energies, time and creativity into something that i enjoy, but haven't made very public:  writing.

publishing my first online article was such an informative process on penning with intention, understanding tone, and succinctness. my friend and food editor of seoulist magazine, jacqui, was paramount in the editing process and i have her to thank for inspiring me to expand my writing vocabulary. her own writing is genuine and lovely--she's a natural storyteller! and her photos are gorgeous as well! read and see here.

and then, have a lookie lookie here, for my first published article. any critical comments and feedback are welcomed. and i do mean that! seriously.

extrovert, introvert, ambivert

this clear shift in seasons with its brisk mornings and quickly darkening evenings is allowing me to molt faster. i can feel it.

this year of the snake was a tumultuous, dramatic one, particularly ripe for self-awareness and self-care. and the "older" skin that my snake self began to shed earlier this year, with it's habitual patterns, is effectively loosening it's grip, releasing it's final holds...and i'm beginning to feel freer, sharper, lighter.

when i was younger and up until only recently, i characteristically thought of myself as an "extrovert." it's true that i don't mind being the center of attention--sometimes i love it!--and that when the mood is right, i'm a non-stop dancing, party machine. but, i'm also finding that just because i happen to be fun, it doesn't mean that i should feel forced to be "on" or fun when others expect it of me. lately, more often than not, i find too large of social gatherings and interactions incredibly exhausting and even, unpleasant. i'm becoming more attune to my sensitivity and need for calm, quiet, and solitude.

i love (and am so thankful for!) my new schedule of part time jobs: english and yoga instruction. when i'm not teaching, my down time during the day fuels my cravings for solo hobbies: bike riding, baking, writing, drawing studying korean, and reading. i am cultivating more of my introversion and i like it! i know that i don't even need to bother with labels (since i find them so distracting) so maybe it's more apt to say, i've always been an ambivert at heart and right now, i'm allowing fludity, finding and maintaining that balance of old and new, learning and BEING. and damn, does it feel good!

understanding responsibility

it's been 2 months since i ended a relationship that was very difficult for me to let go. i wanted so much for it to last, for it to work out, for it to be what i thought it could be. i can now admit that i spent too much time and energy pouring myself into different ways of communicating, in styles that did not come naturally to me and in that process, (allowed myself to feel)/felt powerless in my abilities to effectively, non-violently communicate.

during this healing process, i realized that i had inadvertently, unknowingly, let go of my own responsibility for myself and then, enabled destructive behaviors to take hold. i would often complain to close friends about the relationship's continued and growing lack of communication and understanding, about how i felt blamed and in return, (sad face) began to blame. in the midst of the confusing, damaging emotions and uncertainty, i let myself lose sight of my own responsibility for my own well being, happiness, and actions. it's difficult to help others if they are unwilling to help themselves. it's just as difficult to receive help if i'm unwilling to help myself. my great friend, amanda, shared this quote with me: 

responsibility is taken, not given. areas where you are complaining are areas where you are not taking responsibility.

when i think back to how many times i complained, whined, and ranted about my relationship, i realize that i was not being responsible for my own self. we cannot control anything or anyone but our own actions and reactions to the suffering, challenges, bliss and joy that is LIFE. and now, as i write this, and am feeling much calmer about the break up and about things in general, i want to reduce my complaints in all areas--it depletes my energy and makes me feel crusty, crotchety and just.plain.bad.  this does not mean that i'll be maniacally happy all that time. that's just crazy talk and outrageous. it's also not real. i want to be more and more REAL. honest. giving. empathetic. RESPONSIBLE.

i've also learned--and am still learning--more about the kinds of relationships i'd like to cultivate. i do not want to be in a relationship where something as necessary and simple as talking becomes loaded with grievances. i want a relationship where partners empower each other, not feel burdened by their histories and eccentricities. i want a sharing, nurturing, loving connection that is founded on trust, openness, and revealing vulnerabilities. i want acceptance without judgement or blame and i'm learning to embrace all of that, with me.