understanding responsibility

it's been 2 months since i ended a relationship that was very difficult for me to let go. i wanted so much for it to last, for it to work out, for it to be what i thought it could be. i can now admit that i spent too much time and energy pouring myself into different ways of communicating, in styles that did not come naturally to me and in that process, (allowed myself to feel)/felt powerless in my abilities to effectively, non-violently communicate.

during this healing process, i realized that i had inadvertently, unknowingly, let go of my own responsibility for myself and then, enabled destructive behaviors to take hold. i would often complain to close friends about the relationship's continued and growing lack of communication and understanding, about how i felt blamed and in return, (sad face) began to blame. in the midst of the confusing, damaging emotions and uncertainty, i let myself lose sight of my own responsibility for my own well being, happiness, and actions. it's difficult to help others if they are unwilling to help themselves. it's just as difficult to receive help if i'm unwilling to help myself. my great friend, amanda, shared this quote with me: 

responsibility is taken, not given. areas where you are complaining are areas where you are not taking responsibility.

when i think back to how many times i complained, whined, and ranted about my relationship, i realize that i was not being responsible for my own self. we cannot control anything or anyone but our own actions and reactions to the suffering, challenges, bliss and joy that is LIFE. and now, as i write this, and am feeling much calmer about the break up and about things in general, i want to reduce my complaints in all areas--it depletes my energy and makes me feel crusty, crotchety and just.plain.bad.  this does not mean that i'll be maniacally happy all that time. that's just crazy talk and outrageous. it's also not real. i want to be more and more REAL. honest. giving. empathetic. RESPONSIBLE.

i've also learned--and am still learning--more about the kinds of relationships i'd like to cultivate. i do not want to be in a relationship where something as necessary and simple as talking becomes loaded with grievances. i want a relationship where partners empower each other, not feel burdened by their histories and eccentricities. i want a sharing, nurturing, loving connection that is founded on trust, openness, and revealing vulnerabilities. i want acceptance without judgement or blame and i'm learning to embrace all of that, with me.