REAL talk.

to be radically honest, we are all dying, a little bit, every day. such is the paradox of life, to be both living and dying in the same breath.

my friend is living and dying more precariously than the majority of us. last year, she went to the hospital to investigate her curiously high fever and the unexplainable lump she felt in her right breast. on the day she was to begin her new job, she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and only a month after her remission, doctors found more tumors throughout her body, in her lymph nodes and also in her lungs. the motherfucker metastasized unapologetically and vigorously. this apparently is very common to "triple-negative" breast cancer patients.

when she told me of her diagnosis, my heart sank. wtf is triple-negative breast cancer and why the fuck does it sound so terrible. TRIPLE NEGATIVE. not cool cancer. not fucking cool at all.

when treating breast cancer, the three most common types of receptors that respond to treatment are estrogen, progesterone and the HER-2/neu gene--hormone epidermal growth factor receptor 2. in triple-negative breast cancer, all THREE receptors are NOT found in the cancer tumor. this means that the tumor cells don't react--it's ineffective--to common cancer treatments like hormone therapy or drugs that target those three receptors. in these cases, chemotherapy and radiation are used as treatment but this particular type of breast cancer is especially aggressive, difficult to treat and the likelihood of it recurring and spreading is high. and my friend is no exception to this pattern.

after 6 months of chemotherapy, her tumors didn't show much of a difference or improvement, so on september 26th, 2012, she underwent a mastectomy. she spent time thereafter, recovering, going to physical therapy to regain use of her right arm and shoulder (i believe a part of her lymph nodes were also removed in her right arm pit) and also undergoing radiation instead of chemo since her body didn't react much to the former.

on june 5th, 2013, her doctors told her "unbelievable" news. her cancer was gone! she texted me, saying that she couldn't believe it and that she felt crazy good. and just as unbelievably, only a month after remission, the cancer came back. her doctors informed her that after 4 more rounds of chemo, if her body didn't show many response signals, there was not much more they could do.

cancer is a BEAST. it's not just chemo that she has to endure, but she also has to have routine blood transfusions so that she has a high enough white blood cell count to begin and then stomach chemo. after chemo, she spends days vomiting and feeling miserable, sad, despondent. cancer seems to come in a variety of shades and tones, affecting each victim differently and at any random time, changing the course of its action and speed. there is no way of knowing what could happen next...

this past sunday, we spent the entire day together, like two peas in a pod. we have known each other for 5 years and i'm not kidding when i say that i owe so much of my korean language, culture, and life knowledge acquisition to my dear, sweet friend. she gets me intuitively and ours is the kind of friendship that constantly shares food, stories and lots and lots of laughter. she can read my face for emotions, has often times finished my sentences, and never makes me feel any less than awesome for being me.

she confessed that the last time she was admitted in the hospital, (about a week ago) she wanted to die. she shared this news with her younger brother who immediately told her that she shouldn't think that way. (i'm not sure how i feel about this...) currently, she's trying to be more positive, but i began to wonder, because of my own fears, when does positivity become a burden? does positivity ever become false?

there's a saying from indian buddhist scholar, shantideva, that i've been telling myself these days like a mantra:

“If the problem can be solved why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.”

that sunday afternoon, we smiled and shared the simple joys in life: being able to sit up, stand up, and walk, enjoying good food, using the bathroom effortlessly, feeling the sunshine on your skin, loving a good crisp breeze, crossing the street in time with the cross light, the company of family and friends.

worrying does you/me no good. so, instead of worrying, i'm going to spend my energy and time in much more productive and satisfying ways: change unhealthy patterns into healthier and revitalizing ones, let go of old attachments, exercise patience, strengthen my boundaries and express gratitude. here's to life and to LIVING IT WELL.