no better way...

to say it, other than it just sucks. SUCKS. IT SUCKS. SUUUUUUUUCKS.

relationships can bring out the best and ugliest qualities in people. it's a dangerous exhilarating roller-coaster of adrenaline and emotions. you feel high. you feel sick. you can die.

the beginnings are always euphoric and full of disbelief. is this possible? pinch me, i think i'm dreaming. i can't believe it! is this real? the likelihood of meeting someone who isn't 1) certifiably crazy 2) a dumbass 3) married 4) married with kids 5) gay or 6) all of the above seems like a feat worth celebrating in and of itself. it's easy to meet people, but it's very difficult to meet a person to connect with, mentally, physically and emotionally. let me say that again. it feels damn near impossible to meet someone who gets you, understands you, and wants to be with you. AND hold your hand. AND kiss your neck. AND tickle your tummy. AND you want to do all the same things. AND you finish each other's sentences and make puns, because they're punny.

so it just sucks, when the ride feels like it has been cut short. it's like you're dangling at the top, upside down, feeling nauseous and crying. an unresolved past, even if it's not your own, has a way of sneaking up on you. it chooses for you what you'd rather not do, but must, because there's no other way.

i must admit, that a part of me wanted to go jerry springer on his ass. "i'm the best you've ever haaaaaaaad!" but that's such bullshit and in fact, that's not even what i want to say, at all. those are words that arise from a place of anger and disappointment, confusion and jealousy. that's ugly. when we're upset, and intense emotions are involved, we can get ugly. after writing a really harsh, uncensored rant within seconds of transmission, i realized that i have no need to get ugly. i got ugly and it didn't really make me feel that much better. (okay. it did. but it didn't last very long.) i'm terribly sad, hurt and disappointed.

it didn't work out. so what do i do? it sucks, (IT SUCKS REEEEAAAAAAAAL BAD!) but, i move on.