you think you want it, until you don't.

about a month ago, when i wasn't even looking, i met someone. isn't that always the case? and while dude is silly, funny, nice, thoughtful, sincere, cute and flattering, i'm just that not into him. it's just not... right, somehow. it's not what i want. something's misplaced or maybe something's missing? i thought maybe i could be that casual sort of girl, but, i realize that i'm rather incapable of casual. i'm fine with casual conversations, random interactions with strangers (especially since here in seoul, people often ask me for directions. go figure!) and even displays of fleeting affection, but to date someone casually, well, i'm being honest here--let's face it. i suck.

i think it's because i have little patience for what seems obvious. it's obvious to me that i am not really invested in him as a boyfriend. it doesn't mean that he couldn't be an excellent boyfriend, but i don't want him as my boyfriend. why not? exactly, i'm wondering that myself...i don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. i don't work that way. i also think it's because i'm not drawn to him magnetically. while i recognize the things that make him attractive and dynamic, he doesn't necessarily inspire or move me. and i definitely need that continuous pulse of electric zing, in my heart and in my mind. am i really thinking this? REALLY!? "it's not you, it's me."

and dude, it IS me! you either feel it with someone or you don't. sometimes you feel it and it dissipates. i guess it can come back, but most times, it doesn't. it goes into that void where broken hearts go--some sort of weeping black hole of hearts--and you reflect, contemplate, and return back to what you know, (or the you you thought you knew but lost and have to rediscover anew) to you. it's not lonely. (okay. sometimes it's lonely, terribly, dreadfully lonely but it gets less so.) and when you are whole again, you can give yourself again. but you're pickier and more cautious, because you know better. so maybe i'm being picky. is there a thing as too picky? and how do you know if you're being just too damn outrageous?