for my birthday...

i'd like to get some implants.

NOT breast implants, (GOTCHA! didn't i?!?) but the far more important teeth variety!

it's been over 10 years since i had my face (aka teeth) plant with my high school's hardass cafeteria floor and recently, i've had some rather frightening dreams about my fake teeth. i fear they are, like me, getting old. and my fear is not irrational. i age. you age. yes, even my fake teeth age. sometimes i examine them and they seem so fragile. i'm scared they're going to snap, crack, fall apart. (it's because they have before!) i don't want to walk around with two front teeth missing.

sure, it's cute.

for like 30 effin seconds!

then i just look goofy.

and i don't mind goofy, if only my current profession didn't rely so heavily on having and maintaining "professional" appearances. like so:

i teach english. without two front teeth, i talk with a noticeable lisp. and i tend to gleek uncontrollably. i doubt my adult students would appreciate that! (although, that would be hilarious!)

this year, i want to get teeth implants. shoot! honestly, my fake teeth retainer was truly not meant to be in use for over 10 years. (yikes! i hope my gums can handle implants!) and since some of you have asked me about my birthday, i thought i'd share my implant idea with you.

retainer, no more. since dental work is pricey mcpricey, i'd greatly appreciate whatever you contribute to my implant fund. an implant fund sounds sort of dirty, but please know that there is nothing filthy about getting permanent teeth! and maybe it'll make you feel all warm and cozy knowing that new teeth will honestly be a gift i'll have forever! not only that, but it will be vital for everyday functions, such as biting into apples, corn on the cob, chocolate chip cookies and smiling, smiling, smiling. if you're serious about this and would like to delight me in this gift, hollllllllaaaaaa!