here and there

i wrote this sometime in the summer of 2008 (it was very unlike me to not date it...curious!) and it is an ongoing and evolving personal process of awareness, acceptance and understanding.

i've been thinking recently, inspired by the books that i've read, (norwegian wood, the memory keeper's daughter, all over creation, memoirs of a geisha and the namesake) about the choices and circumstances that makes us who we are, how we identify ourselves, how we can create layers of existences and seemingly shed and re-apply those identities like clothes. some new, worn only once, others we wear like skin, our ultimate favorite T.

i wouldn't say that i've been struggling--that seems too strong of a word--with my identity, but during the past few years, it is a theme that i've mulled over and contemplated, an issue complicated by emotions, duties, acceptance (or lack thereof), fear and expectations.

the issue and theme of identity is by no means a new one. there are countless tales of cultural and political journeys, and while my words may be similar to others, these words i write are still uniquely mine. there are lots of things i want to say, it's like my brain has all these stored ideas, tucked safely in pockets, some with velcro closings, button clasps, zippers, wax. the last book i read in particular--the namesake--has acted like a catapult, erupting in me this urge, no, more than an urge, a NEED to release and voice myself. so i'm exposing these deposited thoughts like presents to myself.

i am not terribly comfortable with labels. i find them limiting and sometimes insulting. this is mostly because people are much deeper than a label, i don't think it's fair to try to summarize a person's experiences into a hyphenated word or two. but i know that there's not time or patience enough in the world to explain ourselves to each other without labels. i know labels can help us to try to better understand each other but in some ways, these very same labels have helped me to understand myself less. i have felt for a better part of my life to be and act like a label. and in doing son, i followed the herd mentality, doing without thinking, easily believing what i was told. you should behave like this, do that, say this, don't do that. in america, i didn't understand how others could not get that i'm american--really? REALLY? seriously?--and now here in korea, i also claim my american-ness.

how much do i let others especially complete strangers, affect me? and why? for what? for whom do i live my life and why do i feel the need to prove or justify myself to randoms?