close, but not quite right

on it not being quite right:
have you ever met someone whose qualities you find attractive and admirable and all those wonderful things yet you still can't honestly entertain the idea of being romantically involved with that person? and it's a shame, right? because this person could be just about as close as you can get to your current vision of an ideal mate, but you can't ignore that lingering feeling that it's just not, quite, right somehow.

i found myself thinking that way about someone i've met recently. he's a super cool guy: funny, smart, sarcastic but still idealistic--a tough combination to find, athletic but not a meat head, introspective and opinionated. yes, and he's also handsome. but, i think i'm projecting--correction. i AM projecting. which is why i'm cautious about my present emotions. this fleeting romantic feeling nestles in my thoughts during times of change and introspection. perhaps it's a combination of this shift in weather and my thought-provoking current reading list, but i find myself craving a very specific type of affection--geniune heartfelt affection people! not just sex!--and a desire to share and love.

and i know i'm projecting because i truly cannot say that i know this person very well at all. but what i do know, i like very much. but i also think that the reason i like what i know is because aspects of his personality remind me of some of my favorite people. and what is there not to like about that?!?! simple: illusions.

on whining:
i don't usually like whining. it's a rather unpleasant and distasteful sort of display. on the other hand, it is sometimes a relief to simply let the annoyances out...so here it is. where the hell are men of quality? (and conversely, i'm sure heterosexual men ask the reverse question.) living in korea has made me very much aware of my american cultural identity and i don't begrudge that, but, it certainly heightens and highlights differences. and i know i'm being fickle. i don't necessarily want a boyfriend, but, i want the option of having a boyfriend (which i know is selfish and arrogant but also understandable) and frankly, there simply are no options.

on letting go and beginnings:
not too long ago, i received an unexpected email from someone who was a very important person in my life for a rather sizeable chunk of my formulative 20's. not that i really need to quantify time, but, we were fabulously compatible, until we decided we weren't anymore.

the layers that you shed from a deeply rooted relationship can be one of the most painful yet exhilarating discoveries of the self. it doesn't end after you think you've gotten over it, in fact, it continues. the self discovery that is, thank the sweet baby jesus, the pain softens into acceptance and wisdom!

he wrote me an apology and as soon as i read his words, i cried. not in an overly dramatic soap opera queen type of way, but, with thanks for his acknowledgment. i knew that i had let go of the past and most of what it contained, but now i have fully let it go to welcome a friendship, refreshed and renewed. breathe out and breathe in.