stall

i'm not the most confident stick shift driver so this analogy may be more on point than i had originally imagined. picture this: you're in first gear, stopped on an ever so slight hill, the incline is not enough to give you the sweats about stalling, but enough to force your left foot steady on the clutch and right foot on the brake. luckily, no one is behind you as you begin to release the clutch while simultaneously pressing the gas pedal. you can feel the car shake a little as you realize you're feet aren't in sync and you overcompensate for it by jerking the car (giving yourself multiple miniature whiplashes) forward. yes. that's how i feel right now. in that in between, jerking forward, drifting back, trying to find the balance of optimum smooth.

luckily, i know where i'm going, it's just how and when i'll get there that's to be decided. for the past year now, i've known that i've wanted to go to korea, to teach english, to learn korean, to learn more about the culture, to travel, to explore, to save the ca-zash. (shoot! maybe even meet someone extraordinary...say what, say what, anything can happen.) i feel like i've been in this stalled space, overwhelmed by the possibilities that i've become paralyzed by my options and my fears. fortunately, i'm shifting more towards excitement and open-ness than retreat into scary-ville. good news, i've narrowed down the list of places to live. i want to be in seoul.

my dad called me the other day and asked what i was doing. i think i perplex my parents. i know they are concerned about me, want to make sure that i'm okay--funny, how i think their idea of "okay" greatly differs from my idea of okay.--and things are for the most part, fine. but i'm not content with fine. fine is boring. fine is status quo. fine is laaaaaaaaaame. but fine is also safe and sometimes fun and comfortable. but, i'm not happy, not as happy as i know i want to be and that, is not fine.

so i'm taking this risk and putting myself out there and realizing it's only as scary as i allow it to become. breathe in the fear, breathe out the calm, stall no more.