keep calm and carry on.

2013 is/was a pivotal year for me, in the sense that many of the things i'd read about in recent years, tips and guidelines for how to live a happy, healthy life, suggestions for maintaining balance, shifting perspectives, taming the mind, keeping calm and carrying on...so many of those things i knew, (in theory) i was actually able to apply, to practice, to literally walk the walk after talking the talk.

this actualization is sweetly satisfying. not in a clap myself on the back sort of way, no need to congratulate or applaud these efforts. but more in the aha! the lightbulbs glowed brightly and all of a sudden everything clicked, made complete and utter sense. i feel peace. calm. neutral. there is no wavering, no hesitating, no indecision. just heart.

it's still very much a work in progress, but, this year, this unpredictable, combative year of the snake was ultimately highly informative. because of her sudden emotional swings and unexpected drops, i experienced layered growth, was given choices to either mope and whine, or pick myself back up, (usually both) and all of this with gentleness. right now, RIGHT NOW,  i feel a deep sense of heart-bursting gratitude. to my family, friends, strangers, self, to life.

sometimes we have to go through the chaos, even if it's self inflicted (especially if it's self inflicted) to be able to see more clearly. in order to ride out the storm, sometimes you have to let the storm exist and admit that it's a fuckin storm.

por ejemplo, in november, i began to notice that one of my friends, someone to whom i felt very close and thought the feelings were reciprocated, began to distance herself from me. while it felt off-putting, i asked to make sure everything between us was okay. while her response seemed a bit incomplete, i sensed that she needed time to figure things out on her own and so i gave her space. it had been nearly 3 weeks when i realized that we hadn't seen each other and then, i worried and began to internalize that perhaps i had done something wrong. when i realized that our last interaction didn't seem extremely out of the ordinary, i began to realize that the reason i kept holding on, clinging on the wanting to know the truth of the matter, was because i was hurt. deeply hurt. it hurts when your friend doesn't respond and treats you with silence. it hurts when you have no idea of what's really going on and furthermore, when old insecurities rear their ugly heads in your face. it just REALLY REALLY HURTS. until you decide to not let it hurt you any more.

i can be an emotional person, feeling things deeply and while that can make me empathetic, it can also be misleading and draining. (express emotions but don't let them dominate you.) after a good cry, i realized, that i was creating my own pity party and making myself feel worse for it. in the words of sweet brown, "ain't nobody got time for that!" and that's the truth. friendships don't always last. life is impermanent, things are always changing, and there will always be things i don't know and things i cannot control. so instead of wasting time and energy on things i don't know, i've sharply shifted my focus towards kindness, experiences that teach me, and not taking things too personally, and to controlling what i can: my actions and reactions. let's all keep on, keeping on.