what was i thinking?

i recently read a book titled, what was i thinking? 58 bad boyfriend stories. it's a collection of personal, often hilarious and poignant reflections told in first person from 58 women who all shared the "what was i thinking" moment. some of the moments (that made me laugh out loud) were ridiculous and outrageous...from the innocuous but deadly vocabulary faux pas with a one letter difference to a more intense, (seeming) unforgivable male's lack of attention to mutual lifestyle choices (baby). it seems improbable or maybe even mean, that a person, in this case, a fair share of 58 women could and so easily would dismiss the men in the their lives from such simple and harmless acts. however, to their credit, many of these stories involved only a date or two, which, in and of itself, is already pretty non-committal. a few of these stories are "dated" in that the authors reference "grunge" (think kurt cobain) and fiddling with phone cords--CORDS! PEOPLE! remember that shit?--while dishing the goods to their girlfriends. and only a few of them mention meeting their boyfriends online, which is all the current rage. online dating is fast becoming, if it is not already, the norm as a way for busy busy people in this busy busy world to meet their potential match, partner, half-orange.

presently, i'm dating a guy named nicholas whom, i'm not at all shy to admit that i've met online. (okcupid is the current hot spot and i've even seen profiles of previous guys i've dated online there--awwwwwkward!) friends have joked and asked if he lives on the north pole. i wittily reply back that he doesn't, but he is in fact a jolly man. he is jolly. and sweet. kind, affectionate, and self aware. he's also a bit overly romantic (read not necessarily the most realistic) and somewhat too attached to me (or maybe the IDEA of me, which is WORSE!) which makes me feel a bit squeamish. i used to think that i was a low maintenance kind of girl. i don't wear make-up often, i'm much more comfortable hiking in the woods, than i am being wow-ed from the trendiest dance club or posh restaurant, although, i also would not be opposed to dancing all night or an extravagant meal. i'm easily amused, easily entertained and typically laugh at the drop of a hat. BUT. i realized that while i'm not high maintenance when it comes to my own appearances or entertainment, i'm much pickier about the appearances of the men i date and the kind of men whose company i actually enjoy. is it possible to have both my cake and eat it too? am i a hedonistic glutton? are my boots too big for my britches?

since my return from korea, about 5 months ago, i've entered an entirely new level of boy-crazyiness and as a way for me to harmlessly satisfy the want for eye candy, i joined okcupid. for me, it's mostly entertainment--a chance to meet new people but maybe, i'm more drawn to the idea of meeting new people and all the promise that comes with something (new, and shiny, and sparkling!) unknown than working to sustain and maintain a relationship that in my mind, is destined to be temporary. i'm leaving baltimore for a fall internship--which and where is currently in deliberation--and in my seize the moment, carpe diem mentality, i thought that enjoying a summer romance, if it were to happen, would be fun. what i didn't recognize so fully then, in june, was that one of the main reasons why i can have fun in a limited time offer relationship, is that it is exactly that. for a limited time. make no mistake, i'm leaving. don't even try to stop me. as a matter of fact, try to stop me and i'll be gone even faster.

i'm beginning to wonder if i have commitment issues. i'm also beginning to wonder about the moral rectitude of short relationships. and then, my goodness, relationships in general are consuming-ly exhausting! RELATIONSHIPS! nicholas and i have now known each other for 4 weeks. our first week of dating included midnight walks under a full moon while holding hands (soooooo romantic!), cooking together using his vegetables from his csa (dreamy!), making out on the couch (ooh la la, FUN!), and sharing an incredible cone of crispy tater tots as an appetizer during brunch while discussing jesus and judas. we saw each other 6 days in a row and in that fairytale way of getting to know someone and WANTING to get to know someone, we shamelessly gushed our affections. then i went away for a week and gained some (realistic) space and distance and felt smothered by our daily chats and repetitive conversations. i intentionally hid myself online and took some much needed space. in that 36 hours of space, i pulled away and knew i was pulling away. (i'm leaving, i want to leave, i'm going, nothing will stop me.) i wonder if i will always feel this way? am i responsible to nicholas to be anything more or less? no. yet, i can't help feeling...slightly self serving.

what i am thinking now is to stop thinking.