keep calm and carry on.

2013 is/was a pivotal year for me, in the sense that many of the things i'd read about in recent years, tips and guidelines for how to live a happy, healthy life, suggestions for maintaining balance, shifting perspectives, taming the mind, keeping calm and carrying on...so many of those things i knew, (in theory) i was actually able to apply, to practice, to literally walk the walk after talking the talk.

this actualization is sweetly satisfying. not in a clap myself on the back sort of way, no need to congratulate or applaud these efforts. but more in the aha! the lightbulbs glowed brightly and all of a sudden everything clicked, made complete and utter sense. i feel peace. calm. neutral. there is no wavering, no hesitating, no indecision. just heart.

it's still very much a work in progress, but, this year, this unpredictable, combative year of the snake was ultimately highly informative. because of her sudden emotional swings and unexpected drops, i experienced layered growth, was given choices to either mope and whine, or pick myself back up, (usually both) and all of this with gentleness. right now, RIGHT NOW,  i feel a deep sense of heart-bursting gratitude. to my family, friends, strangers, self, to life.

sometimes we have to go through the chaos, even if it's self inflicted (especially if it's self inflicted) to be able to see more clearly. in order to ride out the storm, sometimes you have to let the storm exist and admit that it's a fuckin storm.

por ejemplo, in november, i began to notice that one of my friends, someone to whom i felt very close and thought the feelings were reciprocated, began to distance herself from me. while it felt off-putting, i asked to make sure everything between us was okay. while her response seemed a bit incomplete, i sensed that she needed time to figure things out on her own and so i gave her space. it had been nearly 3 weeks when i realized that we hadn't seen each other and then, i worried and began to internalize that perhaps i had done something wrong. when i realized that our last interaction didn't seem extremely out of the ordinary, i began to realize that the reason i kept holding on, clinging on the wanting to know the truth of the matter, was because i was hurt. deeply hurt. it hurts when your friend doesn't respond and treats you with silence. it hurts when you have no idea of what's really going on and furthermore, when old insecurities rear their ugly heads in your face. it just REALLY REALLY HURTS. until you decide to not let it hurt you any more.

i can be an emotional person, feeling things deeply and while that can make me empathetic, it can also be misleading and draining. (express emotions but don't let them dominate you.) after a good cry, i realized, that i was creating my own pity party and making myself feel worse for it. in the words of sweet brown, "ain't nobody got time for that!" and that's the truth. friendships don't always last. life is impermanent, things are always changing, and there will always be things i don't know and things i cannot control. so instead of wasting time and energy on things i don't know, i've sharply shifted my focus towards kindness, experiences that teach me, and not taking things too personally, and to controlling what i can: my actions and reactions. let's all keep on, keeping on.

not too tight, not too loose. in the middle.

in buddhism, there's a path called the middle way that only you can find for yourself. it's personalized, meaning that no one, but YOU, can tell you your balanced middle way.

pema chodron says:

The middle way is wide open, but it’s tough going, because it goes against the grain of an ancient neurotic pattern that we all share. When we feel lonely, when we feel hopeless, what we want to do is move to the right or the left. We don’t want to sit and feel what we feel. We don’t want to go through the detox. Yet the middle way encourages us to do just that. It encourages us to awaken the bravery that exists in everyone without exception, including you and me.

Meditation provides a way for us to train in the middle way—in staying right on the spot. We are encouraged not to judge whatever arises in our mind. In fact, we are encouraged not to even grasp whatever arises in our mind. What we usually call good or bad we simply acknowledge as thinking, without all the usual drama that goes along with right and wrong. We are instructed to let the thoughts come and go as if touching a bubble with a feather. This straightforward discipline prepares us to stop struggling and discover a fresh, unbiased state of being.

The experience of certain feelings can seem particularly pregnant with desire for resolution: loneliness, boredom, anxiety. Unless we can relax with these feelings, it’s very hard to stay in the middle when we experience them. We want victory or defeat, praise or blame. For example, if somebody abandons us, we don’t want to be with that raw discomfort. Instead, we conjure up a familiar identity of ourselves as a hapless victim. Or maybe we avoid the rawness by acting out and righteously telling the person how messed up he or she is. We automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another, identifying with victory or victimhood.

for so much of our lives, we are consistently taught and conditioned to understand and follow such binary thought patterns: right vs wrong, good vs bad, win vs lose, praise vs blame and these habitual patterns can create pain and disharmony. finding the middle path is a way to become more fluid, less judgmental and calm. finding my balanced, middle way is challenging but i'm trying my best to approach it with gentle curiosity and kindness. i want to stop struggling and see things for what they are, uninfluenced by my pendulum swing emotions but, focused on peace and with mind control.

taxi cab conversation

in korea, i've gotten quite used to (and sometimes jaded) by the categories in which i feel that people--mostly strangers--stereotype me. on one hand, in the grand scheme of life, it really doesn't matter. (not one bit.) the opinions of those that don't really don't know me, much less, even want to get to know me, are not the thoughts that deserve much of my time or attention. on the other hand, if i'm feeling particularly sensitive or vulnerable, even those small judgements from fleeting interactions can make me feel inadequate and shameful.

i have been spending more of my time this year, being healthy, replacing bad habits with good ones, cultivating more awareness of taming my mind to keep focused on the things that really matter. i'm working on equanimity and not taking things personally. it's a work in progress for sure, but i can feel those shifts taking place and it's warm and reassuring.

last week, i missed the last bus from my friend's neighborhood back into my own and as it was a blustery cold night and since i don't often take cabs, i justified my cab treat. (also, there was literally no other way to get home!) some of my friends in seoul have complained about how cab drivers can be feisty or unpleasant, aggressive or just plain rude. luckily i haven't had much experience with such grumpies, but then again, remember i haven't really spent a lot of time in cabs. regardless, the cab driver on that particular night was a chatty one and i welcomed our exchange.

he was very open and accepting--told me that based on my accent, he sensed i had lived abroad. he explained that i was very much "korean" but not "native" without judgement. it was refreshing! he then asked if i were married and when i told him that i wasn't, he said that he had a strong feeling that i would meet a good person--he was boldly affirming and supportive. right now, marriage is not something that's a top priority, but, i also feel strongly that when the time is right, i'll meet a person that's good for me and i'll be a good person, in return.

the age of aquarius harnessing the ego.

my food for thought of the day: (horoscopes by Free Will Astrology)

Some spiritual traditions regard the ego as a bad thing. They imply it's the source of suffering -- a chronically infected pustule that must be regularly lanced and drained. I understand this argument. The ego has probably been the single most destructive force in the history of civilization. But I also think it's our sacred duty to redeem and rehabilitate it. After all, we often need our egos in order to get important things done. Our egos give us the confidence to push through difficulties. They motivate us to work hard to achieve our dreams. Your assignment, Aquarius, is to beautify your ego as you strengthen it. Build your self-esteem without stirring up arrogance. Love yourself brilliantly, not neurotically. Express your talents in ways that stimulate others to express their talents.

REAL talk.

to be radically honest, we are all dying, a little bit, every day. such is the paradox of life, to be both living and dying in the same breath.

my friend is living and dying more precariously than the majority of us. last year, she went to the hospital to investigate her curiously high fever and the unexplainable lump she felt in her right breast. on the day she was to begin her new job, she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and only a month after her remission, doctors found more tumors throughout her body, in her lymph nodes and also in her lungs. the motherfucker metastasized unapologetically and vigorously. this apparently is very common to "triple-negative" breast cancer patients.

when she told me of her diagnosis, my heart sank. wtf is triple-negative breast cancer and why the fuck does it sound so terrible. TRIPLE NEGATIVE. not cool cancer. not fucking cool at all.

when treating breast cancer, the three most common types of receptors that respond to treatment are estrogen, progesterone and the HER-2/neu gene--hormone epidermal growth factor receptor 2. in triple-negative breast cancer, all THREE receptors are NOT found in the cancer tumor. this means that the tumor cells don't react--it's ineffective--to common cancer treatments like hormone therapy or drugs that target those three receptors. in these cases, chemotherapy and radiation are used as treatment but this particular type of breast cancer is especially aggressive, difficult to treat and the likelihood of it recurring and spreading is high. and my friend is no exception to this pattern.

after 6 months of chemotherapy, her tumors didn't show much of a difference or improvement, so on september 26th, 2012, she underwent a mastectomy. she spent time thereafter, recovering, going to physical therapy to regain use of her right arm and shoulder (i believe a part of her lymph nodes were also removed in her right arm pit) and also undergoing radiation instead of chemo since her body didn't react much to the former.

on june 5th, 2013, her doctors told her "unbelievable" news. her cancer was gone! she texted me, saying that she couldn't believe it and that she felt crazy good. and just as unbelievably, only a month after remission, the cancer came back. her doctors informed her that after 4 more rounds of chemo, if her body didn't show many response signals, there was not much more they could do.

cancer is a BEAST. it's not just chemo that she has to endure, but she also has to have routine blood transfusions so that she has a high enough white blood cell count to begin and then stomach chemo. after chemo, she spends days vomiting and feeling miserable, sad, despondent. cancer seems to come in a variety of shades and tones, affecting each victim differently and at any random time, changing the course of its action and speed. there is no way of knowing what could happen next...

this past sunday, we spent the entire day together, like two peas in a pod. we have known each other for 5 years and i'm not kidding when i say that i owe so much of my korean language, culture, and life knowledge acquisition to my dear, sweet friend. she gets me intuitively and ours is the kind of friendship that constantly shares food, stories and lots and lots of laughter. she can read my face for emotions, has often times finished my sentences, and never makes me feel any less than awesome for being me.

she confessed that the last time she was admitted in the hospital, (about a week ago) she wanted to die. she shared this news with her younger brother who immediately told her that she shouldn't think that way. (i'm not sure how i feel about this...) currently, she's trying to be more positive, but i began to wonder, because of my own fears, when does positivity become a burden? does positivity ever become false?

there's a saying from indian buddhist scholar, shantideva, that i've been telling myself these days like a mantra:

“If the problem can be solved why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.”

that sunday afternoon, we smiled and shared the simple joys in life: being able to sit up, stand up, and walk, enjoying good food, using the bathroom effortlessly, feeling the sunshine on your skin, loving a good crisp breeze, crossing the street in time with the cross light, the company of family and friends.

worrying does you/me no good. so, instead of worrying, i'm going to spend my energy and time in much more productive and satisfying ways: change unhealthy patterns into healthier and revitalizing ones, let go of old attachments, exercise patience, strengthen my boundaries and express gratitude. here's to life and to LIVING IT WELL.

inconvenient yet true.

this past week, i've committed myself to daily morning meditations. i wake up, use the bathroom and then, immediately meditate for 10 minutes. it's been a great process in mindfulness and today, i sat down to mediate and within 30 seconds, i heard banging and clanging and drilling and thought to myself, "how in the hell am i going to meditate through this?!?"

and then, i had a sudden AHA moment!

this IS meditation!

meditating through the noise, the annoyances and all the inconveniences is such a fitting analogy for life, because you know what? you can't always can't what you want. so deal. and by deal, i mean accept it, then continue forward, onward and meditate.

POST SCRIPT:
i shared the idea of not being able to always get what you want with my friend and she disagreed with me, explaining that you do actually always get what you want, but not necessarily in the ways or at the time that you want it. and i admit, i have to agree! the universe works in strange and mysterious ways...RESPECT.

fun yoga!

my photographer friend, jun and i spent one lovely october morning walking around my neighborhood. while i had fun doing yoga, he had fun documenting the yoga in action. here are some of my favorites!

 

 

 

lacking the heart connection.

it's super draining to be on a date and realize that the person you're getting to know resembles very little of the person you once loved.

it's at that moment when you can hear yourself talking that you'd rather stay silent, would rather be home alone or with friends who already know, accept, love you, and be in a safe place where you don't have to explain anything about who you are and how you've arrived here.

i am going to accept this as a sign that i'm not yet ready to date. my heart is still healing.

my first "published" article.

my neighborhood is experiencing a growth spurt of awesomeness. this is great news for the livelihood of the shops and business owners, yet not so secretly, i'm hoping that the corporate monsters don't smell this gaining popularity and try to put their grubby nasty paws on any empty spaces and make this, yet another version of so many previously-sweet-turned-same-lame spots.

i wanted to share some of my favorite local spots and put my energies, time and creativity into something that i enjoy, but haven't made very public:  writing.

publishing my first online article was such an informative process on penning with intention, understanding tone, and succinctness. my friend and food editor of seoulist magazine, jacqui, was paramount in the editing process and i have her to thank for inspiring me to expand my writing vocabulary. her own writing is genuine and lovely--she's a natural storyteller! and her photos are gorgeous as well! read and see here.

and then, have a lookie lookie here, for my first published article. any critical comments and feedback are welcomed. and i do mean that! seriously.

extrovert, introvert, ambivert

this clear shift in seasons with its brisk mornings and quickly darkening evenings is allowing me to molt faster. i can feel it.

this year of the snake was a tumultuous, dramatic one, particularly ripe for self-awareness and self-care. and the "older" skin that my snake self began to shed earlier this year, with it's habitual patterns, is effectively loosening it's grip, releasing it's final holds...and i'm beginning to feel freer, sharper, lighter.

when i was younger and up until only recently, i characteristically thought of myself as an "extrovert." it's true that i don't mind being the center of attention--sometimes i love it!--and that when the mood is right, i'm a non-stop dancing, party machine. but, i'm also finding that just because i happen to be fun, it doesn't mean that i should feel forced to be "on" or fun when others expect it of me. lately, more often than not, i find too large of social gatherings and interactions incredibly exhausting and even, unpleasant. i'm becoming more attune to my sensitivity and need for calm, quiet, and solitude.

i love (and am so thankful for!) my new schedule of part time jobs: english and yoga instruction. when i'm not teaching, my down time during the day fuels my cravings for solo hobbies: bike riding, baking, writing, drawing studying korean, and reading. i am cultivating more of my introversion and i like it! i know that i don't even need to bother with labels (since i find them so distracting) so maybe it's more apt to say, i've always been an ambivert at heart and right now, i'm allowing fludity, finding and maintaining that balance of old and new, learning and BEING. and damn, does it feel good!

understanding responsibility

it's been 2 months since i ended a relationship that was very difficult for me to let go. i wanted so much for it to last, for it to work out, for it to be what i thought it could be. i can now admit that i spent too much time and energy pouring myself into different ways of communicating, in styles that did not come naturally to me and in that process, (allowed myself to feel)/felt powerless in my abilities to effectively, non-violently communicate.

during this healing process, i realized that i had inadvertently, unknowingly, let go of my own responsibility for myself and then, enabled destructive behaviors to take hold. i would often complain to close friends about the relationship's continued and growing lack of communication and understanding, about how i felt blamed and in return, (sad face) began to blame. in the midst of the confusing, damaging emotions and uncertainty, i let myself lose sight of my own responsibility for my own well being, happiness, and actions. it's difficult to help others if they are unwilling to help themselves. it's just as difficult to receive help if i'm unwilling to help myself. my great friend, amanda, shared this quote with me: 

responsibility is taken, not given. areas where you are complaining are areas where you are not taking responsibility.

when i think back to how many times i complained, whined, and ranted about my relationship, i realize that i was not being responsible for my own self. we cannot control anything or anyone but our own actions and reactions to the suffering, challenges, bliss and joy that is LIFE. and now, as i write this, and am feeling much calmer about the break up and about things in general, i want to reduce my complaints in all areas--it depletes my energy and makes me feel crusty, crotchety and just.plain.bad.  this does not mean that i'll be maniacally happy all that time. that's just crazy talk and outrageous. it's also not real. i want to be more and more REAL. honest. giving. empathetic. RESPONSIBLE.

i've also learned--and am still learning--more about the kinds of relationships i'd like to cultivate. i do not want to be in a relationship where something as necessary and simple as talking becomes loaded with grievances. i want a relationship where partners empower each other, not feel burdened by their histories and eccentricities. i want a sharing, nurturing, loving connection that is founded on trust, openness, and revealing vulnerabilities. i want acceptance without judgement or blame and i'm learning to embrace all of that, with me.

no labels, except for one.

for the longest time i have detested labels. and i don't often use this word--i find it to be so powerfully, negatively charged--but, i'm going to make this exception. i hate labels.  i realized this morning, with a sudden sharpness, why i hate them.

for enough of my childhood, i spent a lot of time deflecting mean racist remarks. ever since i was 5 years old, a year has not gone by where i did not have racist slurs thrown at me, slapping me across my face, piercing my heart, exposing my gut, forming impassable lumps in my throat and stinging my eyes with acidic tears.

as a child, i remember not understanding why strangers would make fun of me, a child walking to school, swinging on the playground, folding clothes at the laundromat, shopping at the grocery store, or simply playing in front of her home. my next door neighbor's had shouted through the walls, "go back where you came from!" and a coworker at a restaurant remarked that my name sounded like silverware dropping to the floor. i wished for an english name and an english face, for non-korean eyes. i wished so much to not be made fun of for things that i could not change. i was born a korean but as an immigrant child in america, i hated being korean.

i changed myself in the ways i could control. i became a hard-working student, i perfected my cursive handwriting, i learned to speak english with an untraceable accent. i decided that i was going to be the best at everything i could be. in my mind, i thought, if i was "perfect," i would be untouchable. i would be safe from taunts and ridicule, safe from shameful reminders of how i don't belong, of how i would never belong.

as a child, i zoomed in. i focused so intently on fitting in, of being accepted, of pleasing others as a fool proof way to avoid their meanness. i became the funny one, the nurturer, the entertainer, the organizer, the crowd favorite, the leader, the team captain, homecoming queen, and class secretary.  i focused so much of my energy on being someone, a persona i thought i should be, that i lost my true self in that macro vision. that tunnel vision included lots of labels, expectations and instructions. if i was labeled "smart," it mean that i had to know everything. an "athletic" label meant that i had to do sports year round. a label was a terrible reminder of how inadequate i was and felt, of how i would never be all that that label meant, of how i'm not ___________ enough.

as an adult, i hate labels because i find them so limiting. they also focus too far into only one specific and narrow dynamic of a person's capabilities and contributions. even though i know that labels, at times, can provide a certain context of an individual's identity, i prefer to zoom out with the most inclusive label i accept and enjoy: human.

thank you, universe.

this is a time of intensified learning. so many of the "life lessons" i have learned before (exercise calm and patience, this too shall pass, maintain perspective, practice mind control, & RELAX...) are being absorbed in even more fully and impacting ways.

i believe that we are the agents of our own change. meaning that if i want something to happen, i am the biggest force to make it happen. i think, i act, i make, i do, I AM. sometimes rich learning opportunities present themselves in painful forms--a damned relationship, a terrible job--or no job! and when-it-rains-it-pours continuous uncertainty.

just yesterday, i received an email delivering what is typically perceived as "bad" news but it made me giddy with relief! i.was.fired. that's right. FIRED. and in that instant, just like that, i felt free, uninhibited and unencumbered. now, more than ever before, there is nothing holding me back! let's say that one more time, THERE IS NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK. fuck yeah.

this is a year of shifting and learning, re-shifting and learning some more.  i have learned some deeply incredible and invaluable truths. my truths, my stories, my vulnerabilities and i'm remembering to put them all into context, to zoom out, not zoom in and feel them out, and then, try as best as i can to LET IT ALL GO. not forget, but to not let those moments from my past dictate so much of my livelihood and energy, now. it's all a big process and i am choosing gratitude. i am focusing on heart.

life and meaning, as explained by morrie schwartz

"the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in."

"the way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you and devote yourself to creating something that gives your purpose and meaning."

"the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. and you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."

life lessons

i've been noticing that so many "life lessons" we "adults" strive to incorporate into our daily interactions are things we've known all along but for one reason or another have strayed away from or have overlooked...UNTIL we observe and interact with CHILDREN again.

1. be honest--you can always tell when someone is lying.

2. learn to let go--you fall, you cry, you get back up and play again. you let go that you fell. falling is a lame-ass reason to hold onto the past.

3. don't let fear stop you--you fall, you cry, you may fear that you'll again, but dude. you fear nothing. you play on.

4. sing, laugh and dance! (screaming, optional)

5. hold hands with those you love.

6. make jokes, share stories, smile often.

7. take naps. if you're grumpy pants, take a chill pill and sleep it off. DREAM.

old men, old misses, and a break from it all.

in the korean language there are specific words for people in various roles and stages of life. this doesn't mean that it's rude or impersonal, but more like a general generic title. i can totally vouch for this because for most of my life, i've not known the names of my relatives other than who we were in relation to each other. for example, my aunts were simply called aunts. i had more than one aunt so they were called who they were in birth older: "first born aunt" or "older aunt" and "youngest aunt." this same rule applies for my uncles. actually, now that i think about it, this rule applies mostly to those who are older than you or those whose age of which you are uncertain, but have a suspicion that they are older than you! (korean-->confucian-->no disrespect to the elders.)

i called my cousins by their given name versus addressing them as "cousin." (interesting shift: these days, my brother and i do like to call each other by our sibling title rather than our given names--thanks arrested development!--and even emails begin with "dear sister" or "hello brother." ha!)

it's a just a given, like breathing, to address strangers with a title. (in the states, similar but not exact words would be "sir" and "ma'am.") the term 아저씨, ajusshi, is given to an older married man and 아줌마, ajumma, for older married woman. koreans in general age with a lot of MOXIE. they are fierce, tenacious, and unforgiving. they are also endearing, generous, and sweet. older koreans, like their generational global counterparts...HOLD UP. actually age doesn't even have to be considered--let's just say MOST people in general are stuck in their ways and ideas of what's acceptable, right and wrong, most of the time. we live in a world of such rigid structures and these days, i'm working on being more free and carefree in how i choose to live. however, choosing to live limitless-ly in a society that emphasizes limits can be quite challenging. i'm happy and grateful to be better equipped to more swiftly let go of what others (especially random strangers) think of me and how i don't match their idea of a, b or c. (daaaaang! just who do you think you are? get outta my face!)

in korea, if you are a woman who is of "marriage-able" age and are not married yet, you are:

1.) weird. clearly something must be wrong with you if you are not wed by the time you're 30!

2.) a hopeless case. how tragic, no one wants me! (i'm being 100% sarcastic as hell!)

3.) a 노처녀= old maid, spinster, aka, an old miss.

strangers whom i encounter usually ask me the following questions:

a.) where are you from?

b.) how old are you?

c.) are you married?

since i am not married, i embody numbers 1, 2,  AND 3 listed above. that makes me a weird spinster hopeless case. that is the presiding sentiment. which is why whenever i meet  아저씨's and 아줌마's who are open-minded and non-judgmental, i welcome them, intensely. it's literally like a breath of FRESH AIR.

last week, i met the coolest 아저씨. he was recommended to me from my friend who pleased with his moving services. he was reasonably priced, efficient and very capable. but the best part was that he was also friendly and gender neutral. we had a great chat about the joys of hiking and nature exploration in korea. he told me how he and his friends would go and take makkgeolli with them, a bottle or 5 of korean fermented rice wine, and on the hike up the mountain, they would befriend a group of 아줌마's who they knew brought with them the most delicious foods for lunch. often times, the women would invite the men to eat and the men would share their beverages--such a happy balance of food and imbibition. at the end of the hike and day, everyone departed, content with the day's events. no asking for phone numbers or attempts to replicate the magic of the day, just content to let it be and what is was at that precise moment. beautiful, really.

when i told him i loved hiking too he asked whether i hiked alone or with friends. i told him sometimes i hike alone and other times with friends. for a woman to hike alone is usually considered strange in korea, but he didn't even bat an eye. he didn't go on a tangent about how i shouldn't go hiking alone or tell me what other things that i as a woman should or shouldn't do. it was just so NICE.

he also didn't question whether i could "handle" moving the furniture or not. he just let me be. and that is all i think anyone wants to be, is to just have the freedom to be. without constraints or expectations. i want to remember this example of simply being and carry this with me in my own interactions and conversations. thank you, 아저씨!

SPRING has sprung!

at long last! spring is (FINALLY!) here! this year of the snake, with all her abrupt changes and constant uncertainty, is teaching me (and has already taught me) many valuable lessons on life--things that i've already known, but, am now able to understand with a deeper level of sureness. this combined with yoga is a powerhouse of opening up/surrendering to vulnerability and not making rash judgements.

have i told you internet that i'm currently taking yoga teacher certification classes? i've been practicing yoga pretty consistently for the past 5 years and have thought about becoming certified for the past 2. in january, as i was trying to get a better sense of the how my schedule would come together this year, randomly and easily, things fell into place and now i attend all day saturday classes at magic pond yoga studio. starting at the end of june, i will be certified to teach yoga classes! it's all so very exciting!

other changes this year, include my working a rather crafted part-time schedule. on mondays, i volunteer at an organic farm that is just outside the city. it's about a 2 hour commute, one way, but, i have such tremendous joy from being outside and working among the mountains that commute has become just part of the process. also, the korean farmers are such good, good people. not only do i learn about farming, but, i also improve my korean language skills! they use and then teach me korean expressions and words that i find entertaining and helpful. they are so very sweet to me! right now, we are in prime strawberry season! i have never tasted such delicious strawberries--DIVINE.

on tuesday and thursday afternoons, i teach english at an afterschool academy to seven crazy, moody and outrageous 1st graders. they.are.NUTS. but, thankfully, i'm finding ways to connect to their short attention spans with word games and activities. thank goodness for fill in the blank, unscramble, and pictionary. i'm also introducing more songs and have made a ritual to end every class with a round of simon says. i do enjoy tricking them! it's really cute to hear their wails of protest and defeat. (plus! it sharpens their listening skills! booyah!)

my wednesdays and fridays are committed to yoga, writing and gardening/art related things. i'm getting into the swing of it, but, i need to remember to literally throw myself out of bed in the mornings! dedication. no more excuses or moping about. time to step it up! happy SPRING!

jaina time.

time with this face is the BEST!

  

 

standstill. contemplation. movement.

love.

when i think about love, i think of acceptance of all the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. i think of a willingness to be open and communicative, to work to learn and listen, together. when i think about love, i think of it as an amazing, undeniable force of nature, something that you don't necessarily control, but then when it happens, it's so genuine, so pure, so incredible that you work with tremendous efforts to see its continued growth and development. love requires a commitment to patience and dedication to not only the person you love but also to yourself. (as you should, you MUST, love yourself.) to allow for both people to feel this shared love therefore requires keen awareness, sensitivity and compromise.

when i stop to really think about relationships, it boggles my mind. how is it possible that two people, from such different backgrounds, with vastly opposite communication styles, and seemingly polarized personality characteristics even get along?!? is this what is meant by opposites attract?

in my current relationship, we are very very different people. i lean more towards the extroverted, social, active, direct to almost-the-point-of bluntness communication, and openness. my partner on the other hand, gravitates more towards the introverted, shy, calm, calculated sort of soft-spoken communication, and cautiousness. we have had some very highly charged, frustrating and challenging misunderstandings that have required multiple time outs and revisits to the issues at hand. some of those issues have led to standstills. some of those standstills have led to thinking about ending the relationship. and just when i thought i/we might not be able to stand it any more, i realize just how misdirected i was/we were.

i think that sometimes i want solutions to the problems to come quickly and easily. i also think that when i feel that impatient, i simply need to stop wanting a quick fix. solutions to relationship confusion and misunderstandings aren't always so fast, especially when the decision is based on mutual understanding. it is precisely when that necessary understanding is missing, or misplaced, it's better to just lean into the discomfort and learn to accept the awkwardness of the unknown. this is all much easier said than done, but, i'm learning (thankfully!) that just when i think i know, i realize (some time later) that i actually knew very little of the true core of the matter. 

standstills. stagnant as they may seem, the can sometimes be just the pause i need to reflect, contemplate and then provide the energy and space to allow for movement when the time is ready.

an organic farm visit!

when i returned to korea in 2012, i came with very concrete things in mind. 1. i would only teach for one year. 2. after that year, i would return to farm work. now that my year of teaching is over, i'm making my return to farm work happen!

today, i met with a farming couple whom i was introduced to from a friend of a friend of a friend. from my initial impression, i get the sense that they are honest, good-natured and down to earth. they were concerned that i didn't know exactly what i was getting into by wanting to volunteer on their farm. i told them that i'm not the "typical" korean woman. i don't like to generalize, but, i'm not afraid of un-glamorous work. i'm not afraid of working up a sweat, wearing muddied clothes, and getting blistered hands. i'm also not afraid of a somewhat long commute to work on the farm so i'm able to gain the experience i very much desire: learning how to grow food from seeds.

to be outside of the city today was very restorative and lovely. it's so nice to see a landscape of mountains and rivers instead of concrete buildings and cars. i start working next week and will volunteer twice a week, on mondays and wednesdays. all day.

the strawberry season has just begun--they are so juicy and delicious!--and soon, we'll plant lettuces and cucumbers! all organic, all wholesome! YES!

essay headache!

there were times last year that i gave spontaneous in-class essay assignments. it didn't happen very often, perhaps, once every 3-4 months when i felt my students needed more of a writing emphasis/push. for me, i wanted to make sure that my writing lessons were actually beneficial.

during one such occasion, my student roy, may have pushed himself to what he felt must've been his limit. at the completion of his essay, he said two things that i thought were so amusing that i wrote them down on a post-it. while cleaning my papers, to my delight, i have found those quotes!

"the essay made me have a headache!"

"teacher, i almost died doing this."

now that i read them over again,  they don't sound nearly as funny as they did when roy originally sighed those words, with a furrow in his brows and shaking his hands, cramped from writing. during class time, roy was usually an overly enthusiastic student but most of the time, he forgot to be mindful and spoke out too often, cutting other students off. he was a student that definitely tested my patience, but, also a student that i wanted to make fully sure he understood my intentions and reasons for a peaceful class. i'm pretty sure he got it most of the time and now that i'm reflecting on his personality, i am remembering how he was funny without knowing how funny he was. i hope that i told him then, how much i liked his jokes. i still smile thinking of them and of him.

blond yesterday, black today!

badabing, badaboom!

and just like that, i have a job! this new year (according to both the gregorian and lunar calendars) has brought with her very chaotic, dramatic, uplifting, and celebratory times--LIFE! in the midst of all these swings and shifts, i have wanted to write, to release and process, but, this and then that came up and now here i am. sitting at a cafe, in my neighborhood, breathing, resting and at long last, writing. to be here feels so goooood.

so here i go:
at the end of december, i finished my teaching contract (and gave each one of my students big bear hugs goodbye.) and since my housing was connected with my job, i searched for a sublet to call home for the ambiguous amount of time that i knew i'd be figuring out my agenda, my what to do next and how to make it all happen. one week before i had to move out, i found the best sublet situation, one that was sunny and decently spacious and in a part of seoul that i have explored only minimally. my new (temporary) home is in haebangchon, which is characterized by sizable hills that pose dangerous problems during winter snow storms and icy conditions. however, in the spring, it's also home to one of the nicest parks in the city and all the cherry blossoms burst and bloom with all their warmth and beauty.

in late october, i met an incredible someone. how we met is one of mutual friends spanning time, oceans, and continents.  my friend knows her friend because they live in the same town in colorado. my friend met her friend because my friend's roommate was her friend's best friend. riiiiight?!? a lot of friends of friends and connections and it's a small world afterall.

we communicated via facebook at first and from my initial glimpse of her profile picture i thought she was attractive and had a sense of humor. from what i could tell, it looked like she was in the woods, with her hand shielding the sun, as if she was searching for her destination. i thought her a cosmopolitan and adventurous traveler. these are my gleamings from her 5x5cm square portrait. even though we were introduced by mutual contacts as "friends" i secretly hoped that maybe she and i might have a more flirtatious connection that could potentially lead to...dating!

we met and from the get go, i felt excited and more certain than not (perhaps it was really hope that radiated certainty?) that there was mutual attraction. there was a real naturalness and organic way of interacting. our relationship was and still is, very pure, genuine and authentic. while our first meeting was ambiguously romantic, our second date announced our undeniable shared interest and by date number three, our relationship commenced as we now know it: an openness to being true to ourselves and also, to having a willingness to work out our differences, together.

by the end of march, we're going to move into an apartment together. it will be 8 years since i've had domestic partnership and for her, it will be a first! we're both eager and nervous--we both admitted to needing space (yay for it being a 2 bedroom!) and also perhaps having a few eccentric and quirky home habits.  (i'm the queen of piles!) let me take a moment here to emphasize that it has been 8 years since i've felt this funny little thing called (requited) love and that, in and of itself is an amazing celebration!

the year of the snake has brought wondrous and yet also charged, dynamic, and moody shifts. even though i was not working full time, sorting out potential prospects was my full time job. (and looking for an apartment was also an all consuming task! if anyone wants an exercise in being comfortable with uncertainty, i say go look for apts!) i am now enrolled in a yoga teacher certification course, (it's really intense and rewarding!) and beginning next week, i'll be a part-time afterschool program english teacher to first graders! this coming sunday, i have a meeting with an organic farmer (apparently he grows the best strawberries!) and hope to arrange an internship where i'll work twice a week on his farm. i've worked as a guest chef at a wellness space and am currently awaiting edits on an article to be published online. i've been active and i'm learning (always learning and growing) to strike that hard to achieve balance with activities and down time to recharge.

i sense that this year will be filled with even more opportunities to better direct my energy towards my interests and working towards my goals. there will most certainly be challenging moments and in those exact moments, i will gently remind myself to be mindful, aware, and kind. may you do the same.