september smiles!

me and my "mushroom" friend, eunyoung.

reused hanbok fabric, made into hair pins!

fresh basil!

this will forever make me giggle--uranus is a gas giant! (by jackie)

found! a mushroom cup for my mushroom friend!

cookies and ice cream, yum!

feeling strong and fit!

beautiful blue sky!

tasty treats!

min ju, my cousin once removed!

silly faces!

we are so kingly!

butterflies!

history--my hand on a piece of the berlin wall.

butterflies, up close.

red lips!

silly smiles!

feeling human.

yesterday, i went to visit my dear friend in the hospital. not too long ago, she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer which had already migrated to a lymph node in her armpit. the news was sudden, hard to swallow, and painful to witness. i have had distant relatives die from cancer and close friends' parents pass away from cancer complications and the word alone, cancer, feels so final. i am scared for my friend, but, prepared to be strong for her since what i see on the outside is nothing compared to what she herself must be experiencing internally.

this saturday marks 추석, the korean thanksgiving holiday and i'm counting my blessings. there is much for which to be thankful. after the interactions i observed at the hospital, i realized, yet again, with stunning clarity, how amazing it is to be healthy. i wanted to share this life lesson--the importance of all around health!--with my students and so, today, i shared openly with my first tues-thursday class how concerned i am for my friend.

what happened next was so beautiful--they raised their hands and shared candidly how cancer had affected their own families, taking the lives of their aunts, uncles and grandparents. nearly every student in class has had a cancer-related death in their family and so, i felt comforted by their experiences.

i didn't mean to, but i got emotional while talking about my friend. she means so much to me and to see her in so much pain but to feel so helpless about it, just may be one of the worst feelings in the world. i began to cry in front of my students and from the expressions on their faces, i could feel their empathy for me. i felt a bit sheepishly awkward so i started to laugh--i do that sometimes--and explained, "you see students? you can laugh and cry at the same time!" and they laughed with me because that's what people who care about you do.

i am and was not ashamed to cry in front of my students--if anything, i hope that they take it to heart that your health is vital for a happy life. i like that by doing that, i feel like i became less of a "teacher" and more of a human.

wrong person + wrong time = sad face. (part 3.)

some fundamental differences that raised my eyebrows: ashley likes cities, i want to be on a farm. she's super into movies and tv and the internet and all things tech savvy, i like diy projects that involve a lot of crafts, knitting, baking, and cooking. i love the outdoors and would rather be hiking on a mountain than in the urban jungle, she loves the hustle and bustle, the constant movement and action of a metropolis. i need solitude, she finds alone time, boring.

yet despite all of these stark and obvious differences, i was still willing to be patient, to continue to better understand her and myself in this relationship. in the past, i've typically bolted at the first sign of a serious difference in budding relationships. call it my killer gut instinct or simply my inability to tolerate seemingly irreconcilable differences, but at this point in my life, i know myself and my patterns of behavior well enough to have a very good idea of what will and won't weather the storm. now, some might say that i'm steering the course prematurely, which may or may not be true, but i honor myself and my actions. with ashley, however, i truly worked beyond my comfort zone because i really liked her and i liked spending time with her. i loved creating our own secret language and replaying inside jokes, laughing until our bellies ached and our cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

BUT...it became more and more obvious to me just how immature and selfish she could be. one night she told me that she had a dream where she told a friend that she thought she had to break up with me and then confessed that she didn't know if she should be with me. i have never had this conversation with someone and not had a breakup...i don't know why she would mention it to me unless she actually wanted to end the relationship. i was confused and hurt by her insensitivity on the issue. it's one thing if you and your partner need to discuss the problems of a relationship and attempt to resolve the issues, but, it's different if your partner no longer wants to be with you, and furthermore, makes no effort to improve the relationship.

a few days later, we had a really heart opening honest conversation about how we felt in the relationship and she admitted that she had said those things to push me away but that she really didn't want that to happen. i was even more confused! why would you want to push me away? why not just talk to me! communicate! and that's when i realized we communicate differently and a huge chunk of our time together was me consoling her insecurities...it was exhausting and i grew progressively more and more unhappy.

people say that when a relationship is no longer mutually beneficial, it's time to end it. it was difficult for me to see any benefits from our relationship so, instead of prolonging what seemed to be inevitable, i did what i felt was right to do and i ended it the night after ashley admitted to me that she missed her ex and had communicated with her. in telling her my decision, i tried to be compassionate and practical.  there are definitely times that i miss her but, i know that the wrong person at the wrong time is the wrong relationship.

wrong person + wrong time = sad face. (part 2.)

speaking with ashley that night made me feel vibrant, flirtatious and excited! years ago, i had entertained the idea of dating ladies. (women are beautiful!) but, after a few mismatched dates in dc, i didn't actively pursue it. from time to time, however, the thought would cross my mind again. that night, i knew i wanted to date ashley.

i have my boy crazy tendencies so to experience what i typically feel for an attractive guy with an attractive girl instead was awesome and surprisingly natural. the only caveat? she had a girlfriend. when she told me that, i thought to myself, "of course you have a girlfriend!" and then aloud i said, "so, you've been flirting with me the whole night and now you tell me you have a girlfriend?" to which i was given a slightly embarrassed look. at that point, i knew that our relationship would have to take the form of an awkward friendship because she was already involved. disappointed and slightly tipsy, i made my rounds of goodbyes to pia and andre and just as i was about to make my exit to catch the last bus back home, ashley offered to walk with me and i did not object. in fact, i was pleased to be able to laugh and talk some more, even if it felt like a terrible tease. i'm definitely partly to blame in this tease-fest because i asked her if she'd like to get together for coffee soon. she said yes and we tentatively agreed to meet the immediate wednesday.

before the date, we talked on the phone and had hours long conversations, getting to know each other and having a lot of fun, simply talking. it was on tuesday night that she informed me that she broke up with her girlfriend (she mentioned that things were already a bit rocky well before she left for school in australia.) and i was shocked. i suppose i just didn't see that as an option, or that it would happen so quickly. it also made me feel wary of our relationship--i wondered if she was "ready" to begin dating me so soon after a breakup.

nervous but still very thrilled about seeing her again for our first date, we met in sinsa and ate delicious deli style sandwiches. we celebrated such wonderfully buoyant energy between us with stories of travels and foods. the date continued with a super fun scooter ride, walking along samcheongdong, holding hands, meeting her dog, calvin, walking to itaewon, and finally drinks with dinner. our first kiss was electric and sweet and just so right. it was an INCREDIBLE first date. it was actually an incredible first 3-4 weeks of marathon dates with happy smitten smiles and giggles galore.

but then, our fundamental differences began to emerge and my gut was starting to show signs of unease and discomfort...

wrong person + wrong time = sad face. (part 1.)

it's often times when you least expect it, that a random force from nowhere suddenly sweeps you off your feet, injects your heart with adrenaline, makes your stomach multiply with butterflies and feeds your soul with an earnest aching hope that perhaps, this time around has finally brought about the introduction of meeting that special someone who wants to hold your hand--even if it's sweaty and clammy--hold the door open for you, surprises you with flowers--that was placed in your bike basket in the wee hours while you were sleeping so that when you walked out in the morning, they were the first thing that greeted you, on a MONDAY.--laughs at your corny-not-really-that-funny jokes, finishes your sentences easily, and cradles your face with the sweetest kisses. (and then, the shit hit the fan...)

on sunday, july 22nd i went to a going away/surprise engagement party for my friends, pia and andre. it had rained earlier that day, my mood was cranky pants and i felt like a lazy bum. i didn't want to leave my cozy comfy home or have to make the effort to go north of the river, which would require two different bus rides. sometimes, it's those little things, like bus transfers, that are just annoying enough to tip you over the edge into inglorious lethargy. i realized however, that i didn't know just when i would see andre and pia again so, my good senses finally kicked in. i threw myself out of bed and into a dress and even added some more pizazz by wearing bright pink lipgloss. yes. i was ready.

by the time i arrived, the party was in full swing and i felt a bit awkward as i realized that i didn't really know many of the other attendants. it was like i was reverted back into middle school mode and i was  a new student and it was my first day of school and i didn't know exactly where to sit. yeah, AWKWARD. i, typically, am not a wall flower and i don't mind being in a room of strangers, but because i was already in such a strange "off" mood, i felt overwhelmed, shy and self conscious. i admitted this to andre and he immediately introduced me to one of his co-workers, a girl, named ashley. she was at the bar and had her back to me but when she turned around, i was immediately struck by her  charming energy and contagious smile. she asked if i'd like a drink and when i said yes, she poured me a hefty jack and coke. we took our drinks to a table and began to talk candidly, openly and genuinely about life in korea, the thrills of new york city, and whatever else struck our fancy.

when i asked her why she came to korea, she said she wanted to get far away from nyc and from a girl who broke her heart. i confessed that i want to be a farmer and by the end of the year i'd return to the states. we flirted and laughed and it was all so cute and fun...until i learned that she had a girlfriend...

feeling a wee bit sheepish!

yikes! how the hell did i not blog for the past 5 months?!? instead of making up lame-ass excuses for why i've been a blogging hermit, i'll just say, you know what? i got lazy. and now, i'm feeling not as lazy. done. now let's move on...

LIFE! (in photographic form.)
here's what's recently been keeping me curious, happy, and satisfied!

new york cheesecake!

meatloaf!

chicken pot pie!

coconut macaroons!

fresh tomato sauce!

delicious cookie dough!

oreo, chocolate chip and reese's pieces cookies!

crispy, salty oatmeal cookies!

exclamation!!!

besides cooking and baking, i've been feeling a whole lotta emotions. it's no joke that when it rains, it pours. i've been feeling some serious heavy boots (expression taken from jonathan safran foer's extremely loud & incredibly close). in the last month, my friend was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer and will have to undergo surgery, another friend's amazingly spirited grandmother passed away, a different friend's baby in utero is not responding to medications to reduce her heart rate which is over 200! i'm not trying to be debbie downer, but, it's times like these that really challenge our strength. it's also times like these that really help you, me, us! remember what's most important. LOVE.