it's been 2 months since i ended a relationship that was very difficult for me to let go. i wanted so much for it to last, for it to work out, for it to be what i thought it could be. i can now admit that i spent too much time and energy pouring myself into different ways of communicating, in styles that did not come naturally to me and in that process, (allowed myself to feel)/felt powerless in my abilities to effectively, non-violently communicate.
during this healing process, i realized that i had inadvertently, unknowingly, let go of my own responsibility for myself and then, enabled destructive behaviors to take hold. i would often complain to close friends about the relationship's continued and growing lack of communication and understanding, about how i felt blamed and in return, (sad face) began to blame. in the midst of the confusing, damaging emotions and uncertainty, i let myself lose sight of my own responsibility for my own well being, happiness, and actions. it's difficult to help others if they are unwilling to help themselves. it's just as difficult to receive help if i'm unwilling to help myself. my great friend, amanda, shared this quote with me:
responsibility is taken, not given. areas where you are complaining are areas where you are not taking responsibility.
when i think back to how many times i complained, whined, and ranted about my relationship, i realize that i was not being responsible for my own self. we cannot control anything or anyone but our own actions and reactions to the suffering, challenges, bliss and joy that is LIFE. and now, as i write this, and am feeling much calmer about the break up and about things in general, i want to reduce my complaints in all areas--it depletes my energy and makes me feel crusty, crotchety and just.plain.bad. this does not mean that i'll be maniacally happy all that time. that's just crazy talk and outrageous. it's also not real. i want to be more and more REAL. honest. giving. empathetic. RESPONSIBLE.
i've also learned--and am still learning--more about the kinds of relationships i'd like to cultivate. i do not want to be in a relationship where something as necessary and simple as talking becomes loaded with grievances. i want a relationship where partners empower each other, not feel burdened by their histories and eccentricities. i want a sharing, nurturing, loving connection that is founded on trust, openness, and revealing vulnerabilities. i want acceptance without judgement or blame and i'm learning to embrace all of that, with me.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
no labels, except for one.
for the longest time i have detested labels. and i don't often use this word--i find it to be so powerfully, negatively charged--but, i'm going to make this exception. i hate labels. i realized this morning, with a sudden sharpness, why i hate them.
for enough of my childhood, i spent a lot of time deflecting mean racist remarks. ever since i was 5 years old, a year has not gone by where i did not have racist slurs thrown at me, slapping me across my face, piercing my heart, exposing my gut, forming impassable lumps in my throat and stinging my eyes with acidic tears.
as a child, i remember not understanding why strangers would make fun of me, a child walking to school, swinging on the playground, folding clothes at the laundromat, shopping at the grocery store, or simply playing in front of her home. my next door neighbor's had shouted through the walls, "go back where you came from!" and a coworker at a restaurant remarked that my name sounded like silverware dropping to the floor. i wished for an english name and an english face, for non-korean eyes. i wished so much to not be made fun of for things that i could not change. i was born a korean but as an immigrant child in america, i hated being korean.
i changed myself in the ways i could control. i became a hard-working student, i perfected my cursive handwriting, i learned to speak english with an untraceable accent. i decided that i was going to be the best at everything i could be. in my mind, i thought, if i was "perfect," i would be untouchable. i would be safe from taunts and ridicule, safe from shameful reminders of how i don't belong, of how i would never belong.
as a child, i zoomed in. i focused so intently on fitting in, of being accepted, of pleasing others as a fool proof way to avoid their meanness. i became the funny one, the nurturer, the entertainer, the organizer, the crowd favorite, the leader, the team captain, homecoming queen, and class secretary. i focused so much of my energy on being someone, a persona i thought i should be, that i lost my true self in that macro vision. that tunnel vision included lots of labels, expectations and instructions. if i was labeled "smart," it mean that i had to know everything. an "athletic" label meant that i had to do sports year round. a label was a terrible reminder of how inadequate i was and felt, of how i would never be all that that label meant, of how i'm not ___________ enough.
as an adult, i hate labels because i find them so limiting. they also focus too far into only one specific and narrow dynamic of a person's capabilities and contributions. even though i know that labels, at times, can provide a certain context of an individual's identity, i prefer to zoom out with the most inclusive label i accept and enjoy: human.
for enough of my childhood, i spent a lot of time deflecting mean racist remarks. ever since i was 5 years old, a year has not gone by where i did not have racist slurs thrown at me, slapping me across my face, piercing my heart, exposing my gut, forming impassable lumps in my throat and stinging my eyes with acidic tears.
as a child, i remember not understanding why strangers would make fun of me, a child walking to school, swinging on the playground, folding clothes at the laundromat, shopping at the grocery store, or simply playing in front of her home. my next door neighbor's had shouted through the walls, "go back where you came from!" and a coworker at a restaurant remarked that my name sounded like silverware dropping to the floor. i wished for an english name and an english face, for non-korean eyes. i wished so much to not be made fun of for things that i could not change. i was born a korean but as an immigrant child in america, i hated being korean.
i changed myself in the ways i could control. i became a hard-working student, i perfected my cursive handwriting, i learned to speak english with an untraceable accent. i decided that i was going to be the best at everything i could be. in my mind, i thought, if i was "perfect," i would be untouchable. i would be safe from taunts and ridicule, safe from shameful reminders of how i don't belong, of how i would never belong.
as a child, i zoomed in. i focused so intently on fitting in, of being accepted, of pleasing others as a fool proof way to avoid their meanness. i became the funny one, the nurturer, the entertainer, the organizer, the crowd favorite, the leader, the team captain, homecoming queen, and class secretary. i focused so much of my energy on being someone, a persona i thought i should be, that i lost my true self in that macro vision. that tunnel vision included lots of labels, expectations and instructions. if i was labeled "smart," it mean that i had to know everything. an "athletic" label meant that i had to do sports year round. a label was a terrible reminder of how inadequate i was and felt, of how i would never be all that that label meant, of how i'm not ___________ enough.
as an adult, i hate labels because i find them so limiting. they also focus too far into only one specific and narrow dynamic of a person's capabilities and contributions. even though i know that labels, at times, can provide a certain context of an individual's identity, i prefer to zoom out with the most inclusive label i accept and enjoy: human.
Monday, July 29, 2013
thank you, universe.
this is a time of intensified learning. so many of the "life lessons"
i have learned before (exercise calm and patience, this too shall pass,
maintain perspective, practice mind control, & RELAX...) are being
absorbed in even more fully and impacting ways.
i believe that we are the agents of our own change. meaning that if i want something to happen, i am the biggest force to make it happen. i think, i act, i make, i do, I AM. sometimes rich learning opportunities present themselves in painful forms--a damned relationship, a terrible job--or no job! and when-it-rains-it-pours continuous uncertainty.
just yesterday, i received an email delivering what is typically perceived as "bad" news but it made me giddy with relief! i.was.fired. that's right. FIRED. and in that instant, just like that, i felt free, uninhibited and unencumbered. now, more than ever before, there is nothing holding me back! let's say that one more time, THERE IS NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK. fuck yeah.
this is a year of shifting and learning, re-shifting and learning some more. i have learned some deeply incredible and invaluable truths. my truths, my stories, my vulnerabilities and i'm remembering to put them all into context, to zoom out, not zoom in and feel them out, and then, try as best as i can to LET IT ALL GO. not forget, but to not let those moments from my past dictate so much of my livelihood and energy, now. it's all a big process and i am choosing gratitude. i am focusing on heart.
i believe that we are the agents of our own change. meaning that if i want something to happen, i am the biggest force to make it happen. i think, i act, i make, i do, I AM. sometimes rich learning opportunities present themselves in painful forms--a damned relationship, a terrible job--or no job! and when-it-rains-it-pours continuous uncertainty.
just yesterday, i received an email delivering what is typically perceived as "bad" news but it made me giddy with relief! i.was.fired. that's right. FIRED. and in that instant, just like that, i felt free, uninhibited and unencumbered. now, more than ever before, there is nothing holding me back! let's say that one more time, THERE IS NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK. fuck yeah.
this is a year of shifting and learning, re-shifting and learning some more. i have learned some deeply incredible and invaluable truths. my truths, my stories, my vulnerabilities and i'm remembering to put them all into context, to zoom out, not zoom in and feel them out, and then, try as best as i can to LET IT ALL GO. not forget, but to not let those moments from my past dictate so much of my livelihood and energy, now. it's all a big process and i am choosing gratitude. i am focusing on heart.
Monday, July 15, 2013
life and meaning, as explained by morrie schwartz
"the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in."
"the way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you and devote yourself to creating something that gives your purpose and meaning."
"the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. and you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."
"the way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you and devote yourself to creating something that gives your purpose and meaning."
"the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. and you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."
Thursday, June 27, 2013
life lessons
i've been noticing that so many "life lessons" we "adults" strive to incorporate into our daily interactions are things we've known all along but for one reason or another have strayed away from or have overlooked...UNTIL we observe and interact with CHILDREN again.
1. be honest--you can always tell when someone is lying.
2. learn to let go--you fall, you cry, you get back up and play again. you let go that you fell. falling is a lame-ass reason to hold onto the past.
3. don't let fear stop you--you fall, you cry, you may fear that you'll again, but dude. you fear nothing. you play on.
4. sing, laugh and dance! (screaming, optional)
5. hold hands with those you love.
6. make jokes, share stories, smile often.
7. take naps. if you're grumpy pants, take a chill pill and sleep it off. DREAM.
1. be honest--you can always tell when someone is lying.
2. learn to let go--you fall, you cry, you get back up and play again. you let go that you fell. falling is a lame-ass reason to hold onto the past.
3. don't let fear stop you--you fall, you cry, you may fear that you'll again, but dude. you fear nothing. you play on.
4. sing, laugh and dance! (screaming, optional)
5. hold hands with those you love.
6. make jokes, share stories, smile often.
7. take naps. if you're grumpy pants, take a chill pill and sleep it off. DREAM.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
old men, old misses, and a break from it all.
in the korean language there are specific words for people in various roles and stages of life. this doesn't mean that it's rude or impersonal, but more like a general generic title. i can totally vouch for this because for most of my life, i've not known the names of my relatives other than who we were in relation to each other. for example, my aunts were simply called aunts. i had more than one aunt so they were called who they were in birth older: "first born aunt" or "older aunt" and "youngest aunt." this same rule applies for my uncles. actually, now that i think about it, this rule applies mostly to those who are older than you or those whose age of which you are uncertain, but have a suspicion that they are older than you! (korean-->confucian-->no disrespect to the elders.)
i called my cousins by their given name versus addressing them as "cousin." (interesting shift: these days, my brother and i do like to call each other by our sibling title rather than our given names--thanks arrested development!--and even emails begin with "dear sister" or "hello brother." ha!)
it's a just a given, like breathing, to address strangers with a title. (in the states, similar but not exact words would be "sir" and "ma'am.") the term 아저씨, ajusshi, is given to an older married man and 아줌마, ajumma, for older married woman. koreans in general age with a lot of MOXIE. they are fierce, tenacious, and unforgiving. they are also endearing, generous, and sweet. older koreans, like their generational global counterparts...HOLD UP. actually age doesn't even have to be considered--let's just say MOST people in general are stuck in their ways and ideas of what's acceptable, right and wrong, most of the time. we live in a world of such rigid structures and these days, i'm working on being more free and carefree in how i choose to live. however, choosing to live limitless-ly in a society that emphasizes limits can be quite challenging. i'm happy and grateful to be better equipped to more swiftly let go of what others (especially random strangers) think of me and how i don't match their idea of a, b or c. (daaaaang! just who do you think you are? get outta my face!)
in korea, if you are a woman who is of "marriage-able" age and are not married yet, you are:
1.) weird. clearly something must be wrong with you if you are not wed by the time you're 30!
2.) a hopeless case. how tragic, no one wants me! (i'm being 100% sarcastic as hell!)
3.) a 노처녀= old maid, spinster, aka, an old miss.
strangers whom i encounter usually ask me the following questions:
a.) where are you from?
b.) how old are you?
c.) are you married?
since i am not married, i embody numbers 1, 2, AND 3 listed above. that makes me a weird spinster hopeless case. that is the presiding sentiment. which is why whenever i meet 아저씨's and 아줌마's who are open-minded and non-judgmental, i welcome them, intensely. it's literally like a breath of FRESH AIR.
last week, i met the coolest 아저씨. he was recommended to me from my friend who pleased with his moving services. he was reasonably priced, efficient and very capable. but the best part was that he was also friendly and gender neutral. we had a great chat about the joys of hiking and nature exploration in korea. he told me how he and his friends would go and take makkgeolli with them, a bottle or 5 of korean fermented rice wine, and on the hike up the mountain, they would befriend a group of 아줌마's who they knew brought with them the most delicious foods for lunch. often times, the women would invite the men to eat and the men would share their beverages--such a happy balance of food and imbibition. at the end of the hike and day, everyone departed, content with the day's events. no asking for phone numbers or attempts to replicate the magic of the day, just content to let it be and what is was at that precise moment. beautiful, really.
when i told him i loved hiking too he asked whether i hiked alone or with friends. i told him sometimes i hike alone and other times with friends. for a woman to hike alone is usually considered strange in korea, but he didn't even bat an eye. he didn't go on a tangent about how i shouldn't go hiking alone or tell me what other things that i as a woman should or shouldn't do. it was just so NICE.
he also didn't question whether i could "handle" moving the furniture or not. he just let me be. and that is all i think anyone wants to be, is to just have the freedom to be. without constraints or expectations. i want to remember this example of simply being and carry this with me in my own interactions and conversations. thank you, 아저씨!
i called my cousins by their given name versus addressing them as "cousin." (interesting shift: these days, my brother and i do like to call each other by our sibling title rather than our given names--thanks arrested development!--and even emails begin with "dear sister" or "hello brother." ha!)
it's a just a given, like breathing, to address strangers with a title. (in the states, similar but not exact words would be "sir" and "ma'am.") the term 아저씨, ajusshi, is given to an older married man and 아줌마, ajumma, for older married woman. koreans in general age with a lot of MOXIE. they are fierce, tenacious, and unforgiving. they are also endearing, generous, and sweet. older koreans, like their generational global counterparts...HOLD UP. actually age doesn't even have to be considered--let's just say MOST people in general are stuck in their ways and ideas of what's acceptable, right and wrong, most of the time. we live in a world of such rigid structures and these days, i'm working on being more free and carefree in how i choose to live. however, choosing to live limitless-ly in a society that emphasizes limits can be quite challenging. i'm happy and grateful to be better equipped to more swiftly let go of what others (especially random strangers) think of me and how i don't match their idea of a, b or c. (daaaaang! just who do you think you are? get outta my face!)
in korea, if you are a woman who is of "marriage-able" age and are not married yet, you are:
1.) weird. clearly something must be wrong with you if you are not wed by the time you're 30!
2.) a hopeless case. how tragic, no one wants me! (i'm being 100% sarcastic as hell!)
3.) a 노처녀= old maid, spinster, aka, an old miss.
strangers whom i encounter usually ask me the following questions:
a.) where are you from?
b.) how old are you?
c.) are you married?
since i am not married, i embody numbers 1, 2, AND 3 listed above. that makes me a weird spinster hopeless case. that is the presiding sentiment. which is why whenever i meet 아저씨's and 아줌마's who are open-minded and non-judgmental, i welcome them, intensely. it's literally like a breath of FRESH AIR.
last week, i met the coolest 아저씨. he was recommended to me from my friend who pleased with his moving services. he was reasonably priced, efficient and very capable. but the best part was that he was also friendly and gender neutral. we had a great chat about the joys of hiking and nature exploration in korea. he told me how he and his friends would go and take makkgeolli with them, a bottle or 5 of korean fermented rice wine, and on the hike up the mountain, they would befriend a group of 아줌마's who they knew brought with them the most delicious foods for lunch. often times, the women would invite the men to eat and the men would share their beverages--such a happy balance of food and imbibition. at the end of the hike and day, everyone departed, content with the day's events. no asking for phone numbers or attempts to replicate the magic of the day, just content to let it be and what is was at that precise moment. beautiful, really.
when i told him i loved hiking too he asked whether i hiked alone or with friends. i told him sometimes i hike alone and other times with friends. for a woman to hike alone is usually considered strange in korea, but he didn't even bat an eye. he didn't go on a tangent about how i shouldn't go hiking alone or tell me what other things that i as a woman should or shouldn't do. it was just so NICE.
he also didn't question whether i could "handle" moving the furniture or not. he just let me be. and that is all i think anyone wants to be, is to just have the freedom to be. without constraints or expectations. i want to remember this example of simply being and carry this with me in my own interactions and conversations. thank you, 아저씨!
Friday, April 19, 2013
SPRING has sprung!
at long last! spring is (FINALLY!) here! this year of the snake, with all her abrupt changes and constant uncertainty, is teaching me (and has already taught me) many valuable lessons on life--things that i've already known, but, am now able to understand with a deeper level of sureness. this combined with yoga is a powerhouse of opening up/surrendering to vulnerability and not making rash judgements.
have i told you internet that i'm currently taking yoga teacher certification classes? i've been practicing yoga pretty consistently for the past 5 years and have thought about becoming certified for the past 2. in january, as i was trying to get a better sense of the how my schedule would come together this year, randomly and easily, things fell into place and now i attend all day saturday classes at magic pond yoga studio. starting at the end of june, i will be certified to teach yoga classes! it's all so very exciting!
other changes this year, include my working a rather crafted part-time schedule. on mondays, i volunteer at an organic farm that is just outside the city. it's about a 2 hour commute, one way, but, i have such tremendous joy from being outside and working among the mountains that commute has become just part of the process. also, the korean farmers are such good, good people. not only do i learn about farming, but, i also improve my korean language skills! they use and then teach me korean expressions and words that i find entertaining and helpful. they are so very sweet to me! right now, we are in prime strawberry season! i have never tasted such delicious strawberries--DIVINE.
on tuesday and thursday afternoons, i teach english at an afterschool academy to seven crazy, moody and outrageous 1st graders. they.are.NUTS. but, thankfully, i'm finding ways to connect to their short attention spans with word games and activities. thank goodness for fill in the blank, unscramble, and pictionary. i'm also introducing more songs and have made a ritual to end every class with a round of simon says. i do enjoy tricking them! it's really cute to hear their wails of protest and defeat. (plus! it sharpens their listening skills! booyah!)
my wednesdays and fridays are committed to yoga, writing and gardening/art related things. i'm getting into the swing of it, but, i need to remember to literally throw myself out of bed in the mornings! dedication. no more excuses or moping about. time to step it up! happy SPRING!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
