helpless in love.

the title pretty much says it all. i'm in love! I'M IN LOVE! and i'm in it full force, which means, i'm rather helpless when it comes to doing anything else but thinking about love.

funny fotos: the man of my affections and i having some photobooth laughs!

ten days.

ten days from now marks the last day of my farm internship here in maitland, nova scotia, canada. as with other experiences defined by a specific amount of time, concrete beginning and ending dates, i feel a seeming contradiction of emotions--happy/sad and ready to go/wanting to stay.

during these transitions, i find myself struggling to stay present, in the here and now, mostly because i'm thinking about what preparations i'll need to take care of in the not too distant and fast approaching future! i'm reminding myself to balance the daily joys here while also arranging plans for december and the new year...

heart in hand.

for a moment, i almost gave my heart for someone else to hold. i nearly let my heart leap into another's hands and i would have offered it to him happily, i would've opened myself in a way i rarely do,--which in and of itself was exhilarating and a bit frightening!-- but since i found out that he's keeping me at arm's length, i've had to readjust my emotions, not necessarily to match his, but to protect the very thing i was actually willing to expose.

this is not to say that i have a hardened heart. i believe my heart and gut are very closely linked and when things feel wrong, they alert me in close succession or sometimes, in sync. inversely, when things feel right, my heart and gut are in promising alignment, and i feel brave, at peace and free to love.

i did not anticipate or even fathom that this, my heart opening, would've happened on the farm, with this particular boy. he's unlike any other person i've met--he's outrageously, unabashedly himself: a creative, unpredictable, slightly mysterious, original, arrogant, eccentric, handsome, incorrigibly stubborn, sweet, generous, thoughtful, and passionate farmer.

when i landed in halifax, he's the one that came to pick me up at the airport and while i can handle my own bags, thank you very much, i remember feeling a bit taken aback that he didn't even offer to help me. on the ride to the farm, we talked a lot about music, rural farm life, his last girlfriend (whom he met on the farm) that he went to visit in california--things didn't work out--his subsequent cross country road trip across the states and washington, dc. i remember thinking that he was both forthright about his opinions, but difficult to read. even now, at times, he's still a bit confusing. (interestingly, one of the first things that he noted about me was that i was able to take care of my belongings and didn't require help!)

somewhere, somehow, along the way of our getting to know each other,  i began to see in him the qualities and traits i find beautiful and loveable in a partner. here on the farm, we've had some really magical moments--all of us--in that we simply "get" each other. we share the same life ideals and values and work towards making the life we want to live, the kind of life that we actually live. (I LOVE THAT!) and during that time, he made it known that he likes me and is attracted to me. BUT. because of where he is in his life and also because of where i am in my life, our relationship is what it is: a tryst, a temporary thing. but, i want it to be more. i wish it could be more. since it can't and won't be, i am reminding myself to be aware, present, and appreciative of what it is, in the time that it exists.

making the most of it all.

when i (happily) left korea, i had no (immediate) intentions of returning. it's not that i didn't enjoy my time, but, teaching 6 days a week and stressing out too often were just WRONG. i vowed to change the way that i lived my life and made daily happiness a priority.

the past year has been so abundantly rich in daily joys, from living at home and reconnecting with my parents, being witness to the most amazing feat of life in the birth of my beautiful niece, jaina while marveling the strength and determination of my sister during her au natural labor. i've also embraced and expressed gratitude for the warm support and loving encouragement from my amazing circle of friends during a serious transitional period in which i realized the direction i want to lead my life.

during this season of harvest, it seems fitting that i'm reflecting on all that makes me feel so full. i am happy to be here, in the now, and feel so connected, renewed, rejuvenated, inspired. in a random turn of events, i was presented with an opportunity to return to korea to teach english at the same academy for one more year. although this is not directly involved with my current passion to learn as much about farming in the hopes of owning and operating my own farm, it is still a good and necessary step in the right direction as far as securing finances for myself for the long term.

i just bought my plane ticket to seoul! i'll be flying out on january 2nd, landing january 3rd and starting work the next day. bring.it.on!

here comes and goes the sun.

it's not uncommon, here on the farm, to look up and see a breathtaking view of the sun--whether it is peeking out from between clouds, or setting as the day nears its end.--and it gets me. every. single. time.

here comes and goes the glorious, enriching, sun.

which which?

i feel pretty certain now, after some 48 hours to digest the possibilities, that going to korea, to teach and save money to put towards farming and farm land, is a very fine option indeed. i'm still glad, however, that i have a few more days until i solidify my decision.

in the middle.

for the past three days i have been waking up earlier than usual--my usual is 6:30am, i've been up around 5-ish!--and it's thrown me in for a loop. typically, i don't have sleeping issues. if anything, i'm the one that can sleep in nearly any situation! i fall asleep on planes often before they leave the tarmac, i have no troubles sleeping on buses or trains. this, therefore, means something. i am feeling a bit on edge, a bit anxious and in unknown flux. right now, i'm in the middle limbo...

i'm in the middle of my stay on the farm and it is here that i am often in the middle of heated and painful-to-witness arguments of a family i work for and with whom i live. i know that every family has its share of dysfunctional dynamics, however, observing and hearing the stinging jabs thrown across the dinner table, across the room, pierce my morale. the air seems stagnant with residual tension.

this is not to say that i'm not enjoying farm life, but that some days feel much longer or burdened than others. but then again, such is life in any environment. it's too easy to fall into a pattern of complaining or whining--i understand the therapeutic release of a good rant session, but it becomes its own beast with too much repetition.--so i've been more conscious of putting forth positive energy to act as a buffer between the zingers.

i have not been the best at updating or documenting my experiences on the farm, so, here's to more posts during the second half of my farm stay. from the first day of work to now, it's immediately noticeable how the weather has dramatically affected the lay of the land. in early september, food production was high, with copious amounts of tomatoes, chard, herbs and lettuces. now, everything takes longer to grow and the plants themselves are more prone to diseases, shedding branches, leaves, showing their willing surrender to the inevitable. because of the cold, the farm's specialty, mixed greens, are given vip status with beds in the warm(er) greenhouses. here on the farm, the greenhouses and sheds are named after winnie-the-pooh characters. inside tigger, christopher robin, heffalump, rabbit, and roo, there are growing (some very slowly) rows of lettuces. pooh houses the herbs: dill, the remaining basil, oregano, thyme, and mint.  gopher and woozle contain the tomatoes and inside eeyore, are trays of seedlings. mondays and thursdays are big harvest days. on tuesdays and fridays, david delivers to restaurants in halifax, which is about a 90 minute drive away and until the season ends, we sell produce at the farmers' markets on the weekends.

for the most part, harvesting isn't rocket science, but it definitely involves being attentive and aware. once instructed on the proper techniques, cutting lettuces--with a pair of scissors!--is straightforward. gather all the leaves of a lettuce plant together and cut 1/2 inch to an inch above the ground, shake out the weeds, pick out the less than ideal leaves and throw into the basket for collection. tomatoes ripen from the top to the bottom of a stem and once they are at least 50% ripe, they are suitable for the picking--just snap them off the bunch! kale leaves are sliced off the stalk from the bottom up. swiss chard leaves are harvested in a similar manner as kale, however, the leaves are harvested from the outside in. we leave each plant in the best condition possible so it's re-growth is encouraged and smooth.

more middles.

i'm also in the middle of debating what to do next year. in some ways the decision could be made for me, as in an option might not be available, but as it stands now, i have until the end of this week to decide whether i want to accept an fair and good offer to teach english in korea for one more year. or not.

this option was something unexpected that arose after speaking with my sweet friend and former co-worker who returned to korea to work another 2 years with the same company. i feel very split and am hoping that the universe will assist me in making the other decision--whether to go to korea and save money for the future or to remain in america and to (hopefully) be offered a farm apprenticeship for a year...i'm a have to sleep on that one.