on my mind

on beginnings:
when i meet someone, romantically, i tend to infatuate. i can't help it. and i don't want to help it. those intitial feelings are full of adventure, hope, and potential. and as a realistic optimist, my optimism gets the better of me. i create romance and romantic stories--and at this point is where reality must come back, but sometimes doesn't!--so much so that i'm swept up by the possibilities of that someone, and of who i could be with that person. it's tricky. i don't want to simply enjoy the IDEA of that person, but rather i want to actually KNOW him and like him, for who he is, not a false idea of who i think he is. how much of these intial emotions can we control? how much should we allow ourselves to control?

on heartbreak:
why do relationships end? why do good relationships end? this question puzzles me. (and nostalgia can be such a double-edged sword) when i hear of relationships that end, sometimes it's a healthy and much needed closing. other times, it saddens me. my views on love, like other things in life, shift with experience and emotion. i realize it's the loss of ideas, the loss of hope that saddens me the most.

didn't we almost have it all?
where do broken hearts go?
love hurts.

and then i snap out of it. it's terribly easy, too easy, to get all wrapped up in the loss--but then again, that's another story i've created. these stories are dangerous. you fall in lust with the story rather than the reality. i'm trying to be present in each moment for what it is. this is difficult.

on the present moment:
right now i feel like i'm resisting myself. my old--controlling, judgemental--thought patterns are challenging my new--open-hearted, compassionate--ways of processing. i think i think too much. i don't necessary dislike it, but it does spin me aound in spirals and disorientates me, makes me uncomfortable. but i'm learning to like this discomfort. ok. maybe like is too warm of a word, but it's challenging. this discomfort is not twisted, it's REAL. and i like challenging myself to try to remain comfortable with the uncertainity. and so, i'm working on it. i'm working on trying not to oversaturate or overexaggerate what happens and breathe. breathe in the joy, confusion, happiness, anxiety, worries, laughter and peace. then breathe it all out. like life itself, changing and growing.