unattachment.

navigating and trying to make (more) sense of the ending of an intense, passionate relationship is at times painful and seemingly pointless. in trying to understand more of why things happened the way they did, i created imagined scenarios in my head that were just that: IMAGINED. it's done. it's over. there really isn't much else to say, but my feelings, at times, prompt me to re-think.

it's not often that you meet a person with whom you feel immediately connected and drawn to (physically, mentally, emotionally), and when that connection deepens with each interaction, you're drawn further into caring for and potentially loving that person. based on the energy i felt when i actually saw him in person for the first time, i had an overwhelmingly good feeling. of course, it didn't hurt the situation that i was simultaneously letting go of another love, and was very willing and able to "replace" the person of my affections. retrospectively, perhaps what happened was that  my feelings were blurred between two people and i projected too much of what i was feeling for the former with the latter. this is not to say that what i felt about him wasn't real--but, now that i've had time and distance, i feel much more aware of the larger picture, without him. i'm significantly and gratefully less sad. i have accepted what happened and no longer harbor bitterness or anger. i know i am letting him go...and not in a melodramatic way, but, in an unattached and healthy way.

i'm growing to remain open once again.

my first song on the ukulele!

playing music and singing has long been something i've wanted to learn well enough to feel confident in while performing. while i originally wanted to bring my guitar to korea, i'm happy with the ukulele my sister and brother-in-law gave me and am pleased to present this to you, my first song! it is "in your arms" by kina grannis.

seoul 2.0

i know that typically my expectations of myself are high and relatedly, i also know that i can be, especially during times like these--these moments of multi-dimensional transitions--too demanding of myself. (as a recent guideline, i've tried to pay less attention and focus on expectations in general. i've found that the more open and free and "blank" my mind is of any given thing, the more happily observant and grateful i am.) i realized why i was being unreasonably demanding of myself here in seoul version 2.0! it's because this isn't a completely new situation and in the non-complete-newness of it all, i wanted things to be comfortable, as comfortable as my previous existence in korea. for as domestically convenient as that period was, i am reminding myself that that ease and comfort was a result of a cumulative 3 years of seoul living. transitions take time. even when the transitions aren't necessarily totally "new," but are still a big change nevertheless.

it is also precisely that, that non-complete-newness of this year of living in korea that has prompted me to make significant changes. since i have the time to dedicate more time to myself, i think i've created unrealistic deadlines for my creative pursuits in drawing, sewing, and writing. i don't want to waste my time or dilly dally too much. my fear is that i'll stray away from my goals, my hopes and desires of beginning and ultimately accomplishing my artistic aspirations. on the other hand, i don't want to overwhelm myself with unattainable due dates and lose motivation. balance. i'm finding my way.

new, new, re-new.

it's a new year with so much newness! working a new but accustomed job teaching, gradually but surely nesting in a new home, walking around and observing the characteristics of my new neighborhood, and a new life in a familiar country with a re-newed sense of purpose for this, one year to help support the upcoming years.

it has been one week since i left baltimore and said a teary good bye to my mother at the airport--she always does it to me, without fail, each and every time. i love you, mom. the flight to korea was long, but, thankfully uneventful and i did a decent job of alternating sleep with movies, some good: insidious, horrible bosses, and some bad: crazy, stupid love, one day. my earlier flight from baltimore to detroit was surprisingly and pleasantly encouraging! (but first, a psa about baggage. for those of you that may ever fly delta airlines, know that their baggage policy and allowances depend upon to which country you travel. unfortunately for me, i had to pay a hefty fee of $75 dollars. (bonus! my bags weighed 43 and 49 pounds respectively! ha!) however, the universe has such a delightful way of turning scowls upside down. since my flight to detroit was fully booked, delta gave its passengers a one time complimentary offer to check in their carry on bags, all the way to its final destination! delta was giving me a 2 for 1 special! all the way to seoul! YES! )

during my flight to detroit, i sat between a much younger man, a sophomore at william and mary, wren and tom, an older gentleman who runs his own consulting business and offered me a mint. the three of us spoke of all things super pertinent and of extreme interest in my life right now: food, farming, compassion, the paradox of choice, the ruin of expectations, and the consequences of technology and being wired. our conversations were so dynamic, interesting, and connecting! i don't think i've ever enjoyed a flight, let a lone a random conversation with strangers, as much as i had then. i'm thankful for our thought sharing, and also, grateful that my time spent talking and listening to someone else, meant that i wasn't being too much in my own head, with my own intense thoughts about the whirlwind romances i experienced in the last three months or the sadness i felt leaving home for another time.

my first steps in seoul felt like i had just stepped out of one vivid dream (my life at home), into another familiar dream, my home away from home. it's so assuring to know exactly what to do, to get to where you want to go, and do it. once i arrived in seoul proper, i gathered my belongings and even though i could handle my baggage, i think that for anyone, 4 bags--a large rolling duffel, a smaller rolling carry on, a trekking backpack, and a regular backpack--all pretty much filled to maximum capacity--would be unwieldy. i was met with unexpected kindness by a very nice korean man who walked into the elevator at the same time as me. when i realized i went to the wrong floor, even though he was needed to go to the basement, he returned to the elevator with me and helped me take my bags to the ground floor and into a taxi cab. literally, he wheeled, then hoisted the bags into the trunk. what a sweet sweet soul.  it felt like an auspicious beginning to a new year.

right now, i'm adjusting and readjusting to korea. adjusting to the time difference (13 hours ahead!) has been tiring, but, manageable, yay for naps!. adjusting to a much more balanced work-life schedule has been significantly more fun and less stressful than in 2010--i refuse to let myself get stressed out because of work. REFUSE.--and feeling welcomed by loving friends is the most heartwarming. my life this year will be what i intend it to be, rich in compassion, informative in acquiring farming knowledge and forming connections both in korea and in the states, and playful with fun-filled activities and engagement with my students, fun with love, laughter, and merriment in each moment i gently remind myself to be present. happy 2012!