fun yoga!

my photographer friend, jun and i spent one lovely october morning walking around my neighborhood. while i had fun doing yoga, he had fun documenting the yoga in action. here are some of my favorites!

 

 

 

lacking the heart connection.

it's super draining to be on a date and realize that the person you're getting to know resembles very little of the person you once loved.

it's at that moment when you can hear yourself talking that you'd rather stay silent, would rather be home alone or with friends who already know, accept, love you, and be in a safe place where you don't have to explain anything about who you are and how you've arrived here.

i am going to accept this as a sign that i'm not yet ready to date. my heart is still healing.

my first "published" article.

my neighborhood is experiencing a growth spurt of awesomeness. this is great news for the livelihood of the shops and business owners, yet not so secretly, i'm hoping that the corporate monsters don't smell this gaining popularity and try to put their grubby nasty paws on any empty spaces and make this, yet another version of so many previously-sweet-turned-same-lame spots.

i wanted to share some of my favorite local spots and put my energies, time and creativity into something that i enjoy, but haven't made very public:  writing.

publishing my first online article was such an informative process on penning with intention, understanding tone, and succinctness. my friend and food editor of seoulist magazine, jacqui, was paramount in the editing process and i have her to thank for inspiring me to expand my writing vocabulary. her own writing is genuine and lovely--she's a natural storyteller! and her photos are gorgeous as well! read and see here.

and then, have a lookie lookie here, for my first published article. any critical comments and feedback are welcomed. and i do mean that! seriously.

extrovert, introvert, ambivert

this clear shift in seasons with its brisk mornings and quickly darkening evenings is allowing me to molt faster. i can feel it.

this year of the snake was a tumultuous, dramatic one, particularly ripe for self-awareness and self-care. and the "older" skin that my snake self began to shed earlier this year, with it's habitual patterns, is effectively loosening it's grip, releasing it's final holds...and i'm beginning to feel freer, sharper, lighter.

when i was younger and up until only recently, i characteristically thought of myself as an "extrovert." it's true that i don't mind being the center of attention--sometimes i love it!--and that when the mood is right, i'm a non-stop dancing, party machine. but, i'm also finding that just because i happen to be fun, it doesn't mean that i should feel forced to be "on" or fun when others expect it of me. lately, more often than not, i find too large of social gatherings and interactions incredibly exhausting and even, unpleasant. i'm becoming more attune to my sensitivity and need for calm, quiet, and solitude.

i love (and am so thankful for!) my new schedule of part time jobs: english and yoga instruction. when i'm not teaching, my down time during the day fuels my cravings for solo hobbies: bike riding, baking, writing, drawing studying korean, and reading. i am cultivating more of my introversion and i like it! i know that i don't even need to bother with labels (since i find them so distracting) so maybe it's more apt to say, i've always been an ambivert at heart and right now, i'm allowing fludity, finding and maintaining that balance of old and new, learning and BEING. and damn, does it feel good!

understanding responsibility

it's been 2 months since i ended a relationship that was very difficult for me to let go. i wanted so much for it to last, for it to work out, for it to be what i thought it could be. i can now admit that i spent too much time and energy pouring myself into different ways of communicating, in styles that did not come naturally to me and in that process, (allowed myself to feel)/felt powerless in my abilities to effectively, non-violently communicate.

during this healing process, i realized that i had inadvertently, unknowingly, let go of my own responsibility for myself and then, enabled destructive behaviors to take hold. i would often complain to close friends about the relationship's continued and growing lack of communication and understanding, about how i felt blamed and in return, (sad face) began to blame. in the midst of the confusing, damaging emotions and uncertainty, i let myself lose sight of my own responsibility for my own well being, happiness, and actions. it's difficult to help others if they are unwilling to help themselves. it's just as difficult to receive help if i'm unwilling to help myself. my great friend, amanda, shared this quote with me: 

responsibility is taken, not given. areas where you are complaining are areas where you are not taking responsibility.

when i think back to how many times i complained, whined, and ranted about my relationship, i realize that i was not being responsible for my own self. we cannot control anything or anyone but our own actions and reactions to the suffering, challenges, bliss and joy that is LIFE. and now, as i write this, and am feeling much calmer about the break up and about things in general, i want to reduce my complaints in all areas--it depletes my energy and makes me feel crusty, crotchety and just.plain.bad.  this does not mean that i'll be maniacally happy all that time. that's just crazy talk and outrageous. it's also not real. i want to be more and more REAL. honest. giving. empathetic. RESPONSIBLE.

i've also learned--and am still learning--more about the kinds of relationships i'd like to cultivate. i do not want to be in a relationship where something as necessary and simple as talking becomes loaded with grievances. i want a relationship where partners empower each other, not feel burdened by their histories and eccentricities. i want a sharing, nurturing, loving connection that is founded on trust, openness, and revealing vulnerabilities. i want acceptance without judgement or blame and i'm learning to embrace all of that, with me.

no labels, except for one.

for the longest time i have detested labels. and i don't often use this word--i find it to be so powerfully, negatively charged--but, i'm going to make this exception. i hate labels.  i realized this morning, with a sudden sharpness, why i hate them.

for enough of my childhood, i spent a lot of time deflecting mean racist remarks. ever since i was 5 years old, a year has not gone by where i did not have racist slurs thrown at me, slapping me across my face, piercing my heart, exposing my gut, forming impassable lumps in my throat and stinging my eyes with acidic tears.

as a child, i remember not understanding why strangers would make fun of me, a child walking to school, swinging on the playground, folding clothes at the laundromat, shopping at the grocery store, or simply playing in front of her home. my next door neighbor's had shouted through the walls, "go back where you came from!" and a coworker at a restaurant remarked that my name sounded like silverware dropping to the floor. i wished for an english name and an english face, for non-korean eyes. i wished so much to not be made fun of for things that i could not change. i was born a korean but as an immigrant child in america, i hated being korean.

i changed myself in the ways i could control. i became a hard-working student, i perfected my cursive handwriting, i learned to speak english with an untraceable accent. i decided that i was going to be the best at everything i could be. in my mind, i thought, if i was "perfect," i would be untouchable. i would be safe from taunts and ridicule, safe from shameful reminders of how i don't belong, of how i would never belong.

as a child, i zoomed in. i focused so intently on fitting in, of being accepted, of pleasing others as a fool proof way to avoid their meanness. i became the funny one, the nurturer, the entertainer, the organizer, the crowd favorite, the leader, the team captain, homecoming queen, and class secretary.  i focused so much of my energy on being someone, a persona i thought i should be, that i lost my true self in that macro vision. that tunnel vision included lots of labels, expectations and instructions. if i was labeled "smart," it mean that i had to know everything. an "athletic" label meant that i had to do sports year round. a label was a terrible reminder of how inadequate i was and felt, of how i would never be all that that label meant, of how i'm not ___________ enough.

as an adult, i hate labels because i find them so limiting. they also focus too far into only one specific and narrow dynamic of a person's capabilities and contributions. even though i know that labels, at times, can provide a certain context of an individual's identity, i prefer to zoom out with the most inclusive label i accept and enjoy: human.

thank you, universe.

this is a time of intensified learning. so many of the "life lessons" i have learned before (exercise calm and patience, this too shall pass, maintain perspective, practice mind control, & RELAX...) are being absorbed in even more fully and impacting ways.

i believe that we are the agents of our own change. meaning that if i want something to happen, i am the biggest force to make it happen. i think, i act, i make, i do, I AM. sometimes rich learning opportunities present themselves in painful forms--a damned relationship, a terrible job--or no job! and when-it-rains-it-pours continuous uncertainty.

just yesterday, i received an email delivering what is typically perceived as "bad" news but it made me giddy with relief! i.was.fired. that's right. FIRED. and in that instant, just like that, i felt free, uninhibited and unencumbered. now, more than ever before, there is nothing holding me back! let's say that one more time, THERE IS NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK. fuck yeah.

this is a year of shifting and learning, re-shifting and learning some more.  i have learned some deeply incredible and invaluable truths. my truths, my stories, my vulnerabilities and i'm remembering to put them all into context, to zoom out, not zoom in and feel them out, and then, try as best as i can to LET IT ALL GO. not forget, but to not let those moments from my past dictate so much of my livelihood and energy, now. it's all a big process and i am choosing gratitude. i am focusing on heart.