hair kaleidoscope!

my once violet hair is now shifting and transforming daily from various and unpredictable shades of violet, grey, silver, blonde, and bronze. it's so much fun to observe the differences and of course, to notice the variety of reactions from random people on the streets!

when i've gone on runs along the river, several older korean men stare but return my waves hello! once i was walking on the street and a taxi cab driver, drove super slowly by me, gawking at me from behind the shadow of his sunglasses. and the best, so far, is a conversation i had with an older korean woman. she sat down next to me on the bench at the bus stop and immediately struck up a conversation:

woman: is that your natural hair color?
me: no, it's not.
woman: ah, okay! i wondered why such a young girl like you would have such white hair!
me: yeah, it's not natural, i dyed it.
woman: why did you dye your hair like that?
me: well, i dyed it purple but the color has washed out a lot.
woman: how much did it cost?
me: my friend is a stylist so i was able to get a good discount.
woman: yeah, so how much?
me: i paid 80,000 won.
woman: (aghast) what? you made that much to dye your hair like that? why did you do it?
me: (chuckling) i dyed it because it's fun!
woman: (baffled) because it's fun?!?
me: yeah!
woman: well, i mean you have such a pretty face, but your hair!...

then her bus arrived and i wished her a nice day! i love little entertaining interactions like that! and i love how my hair shifts and changes--so much fun!

the big squeeze.

the big squeeze by pema chodron

if we want to communicate and we have a strong aspiration to help others--in terms of engaging in social aspiration, helping our family or community, or just being there for people when they need us--then sooner or later we're going to experience the big squeeze. our ideals and the reality of what's happening don't match. we feel as if we're between the fingers of a big giant who is squeezing us. we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place. 

there is often a discrepancy between our ideals and what we actually encounter. for instance, in raising children, we have a lot of good ideas, but sometimes, it's challenging to put together the good ideas with how our children are, there at the breakfast table with food all over themselves. or in meditation, have you noticed how difficult it is to feel emotions without getting totally swept away by them, or how difficult it is simply to cultivate friendliness toward yourself when you're feeling miserable or panicked or all caught up?

there's a discrepancy between our inspiration and the situation as it presents itself. it's the rub between those two things--the squeeze between reality and vision--that causes us to grow up, to wake up to be 100 percent decent, alive and compassionate. the big squeeze is one of the most productive places on the spiritual path and in particular on this journey of awakening the heart.

perhaps it's the shift in weather or the realization that my time in korea is coming yet again to another close, but, lately i've been thinking more about this idea, the squeeze between reality and vision and the moments that cause us to grow and to grow UP. i know that i have tendencies (as do most people--it's the human condition!) to glamorize the ideal job, situation, lover, and yes, even my own identity. 

on sunday night, a friend of mine shared with me his ideas of why i'm still single. (ain't nothing wrong with being single! he was you know, just sayin.') it was interesting for me to try to listen without any defensiveness and with an open heart. i'm going to be honest and say that it was difficult to be wholly neutral since i felt that there were certain questionable claims. regardless, there was definitely some truth to his observations. it's true that i have a pretty direct plan in terms of wanting to farm and continue to make farm work my livelihood. it's also true that i am bold, direct and dynamic. it's also true that i'd like someone to fit (ideally) into my life. (what i didn't appreciate is that he made it seem like my wanting a partner fit into my life was such an uncommon thing.) but what's not true is that i'm not inflexible. it made me think about the big squeeze in relationships--how well do we know ourselves and our partners and how we communicate and is that knowledge rooted more in the ideal versus the reality of who we really are? how are we able to accurately make so fine a distinction? i don't know the answers and even if thought i did, the "truth" now wouldn't always be the "truth" later. what i do know, however, is that i appreciate and respect these grey areas of growth, spaces that encourage me to grow up, to be compassionate, and fully awake.

run, ji sun, run!

i am happy and grateful to say that at this present moment, i feel that i am in the best shape of my life. i have good blood pressure, my hypothyroid condition is still stable (going on 11 years!) and has not negatively nor deeply impacted my day to day well-being, i eat well, i hydrate, i do yoga and i run.

this past sunday, i ran my first of two 10k races this month. for four weeks prior to race time, i found an online training course aimed at improving my speed and performance. in that duration of time, i ran 4-5 times a week, with speed workouts and easier longer distance runs. i ran along the han river and at the nearby park track, keeping count of minutes loosely and feeling determined to beat my own time of 57:00 minutes from my last 10k race, also in seoul, back in 2010.

what happened floored me! i completed my race in 48:43. not only did i exceed my target time, but, i ran an 8-minute mile pace. 8 minutes! per mile! the inner jock geek in me is literally GEEKING out! i've always been an active person, but, when it came to running, i wasn't always as fast as i knew i could be. i knew that i should keep my goals realistic and in doing so, i completely surprised myself at my own ability to outshine the only person who's time mattered, mine.

i'm still training...hoping to beat my own best personal time for the next 10k at the end of the month. i want to be realistic and now that i feel more confident in my pace, i know i can push myself further, stronger. run! go! RUN!

purple hair!

it's interesting to note that in the last 10 months, my hair has had more color and pizazz than in the previous 5 years. i don't know exactly what has prompted this creative hair celebration, but, i am a big fan! i've always been known to experiment with my hair and luckily for me, if the style doesn't flatter me much, it grows out quickly. this time, however, takes the cake! i have PURPLE hair!

originally, i wanted to go blonde--yes, BLONDE. but once i did, my awesome stylist, sally, suggested purple. i guess she didn't fully approve of me as a blonde but she's a hair professional and one that i admire and trust, so purple (and silver and grey) i went! it's definitely different and fabulously fun.

 before the bleach...

 and after!

purple!

my students' drawing of me!

hair crazy!

my students, as lovely as they are, are sometimes prone to over-exaggeration--the dramatically theatrical actress in me LOVES it!--and this is one such example. here they are, in all their shrieks and shrills, reacting to my purple hair!

more ukulele fun!

yay to learning new songs!

ukulele fun!

i'm singing--unpretty, by tlc!

no banana bread for you.

the other day, i woke up annoyed and slightly angry. i've been processing a lot of my thoughts and emotions about ashley and our relationship. right now, i am working very consciously on letting go--letting go of it all. the anger, the sadness, the disappointment.

breakups are never any fun, even when you know it's the right thing to do. there have been quiet moments where i reflect on how much i miss the fun that ashley and i shared. i then, immediately remind myself of the reasons why we are not together, but, there's still a bit of that lingering sadness. i know that this too will pass, but, sometimes, on certain days, inexplicably, i want to be a part of her life. but then again, when i think about the things she's said or done, that feeling is replaced with a gratitude in distance.

one of the things she said to me on the night we broke up is what i suddenly remembered the other day. she said, "i guess i'll never get to eat your banana bread." wow. not, "i'll miss YOU." but i'll miss the banana bread you never made for me. now, this may seem like something not worth getting upset over...but, in one sentence alone, i feel like this encapsulates a large part of our dynamic. in that, she expected me to do things for her--and that she didn't think very much about how her actions affected other people.  the immature part of me wants to say, that's right, no banana bread for you. but, i'm working on not being so petty and wishing good things for her. for me. separately.