ten days from now marks the last day of my farm internship here in maitland, nova scotia, canada. as with other experiences defined by a specific amount of time, concrete beginning and ending dates, i feel a seeming contradiction of emotions--happy/sad and ready to go/wanting to stay.
during these transitions, i find myself struggling to stay present, in the here and now, mostly because i'm thinking about what preparations i'll need to take care of in the not too distant and fast approaching future! i'm reminding myself to balance the daily joys here while also arranging plans for december and the new year...
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
heart in hand.
for a moment, i almost gave my heart for someone else to hold. i nearly let my heart leap into another's hands and i would have offered it to him happily, i would've opened myself in a way i rarely do,--which in and of itself was exhilarating and a bit frightening!-- but since i found out that he's keeping me at arm's length, i've had to readjust my emotions, not necessarily to match his, but to protect the very thing i was actually willing to expose.
this is not to say that i have a hardened heart. i believe my heart and gut are very closely linked and when things feel wrong, they alert me in close succession or sometimes, in sync. inversely, when things feel right, my heart and gut are in promising alignment, and i feel brave, at peace and free to love.
i did not anticipate or even fathom that this, my heart opening, would've happened on the farm, with this particular boy. he's unlike any other person i've met--he's outrageously, unabashedly himself: a creative, unpredictable, slightly mysterious, original, arrogant, eccentric, handsome, incorrigibly stubborn, sweet, generous, thoughtful, and passionate farmer.
when i landed in halifax, he's the one that came to pick me up at the airport and while i can handle my own bags, thank you very much, i remember feeling a bit taken aback that he didn't even offer to help me. on the ride to the farm, we talked a lot about music, rural farm life, his last girlfriend (whom he met on the farm) that he went to visit in california--things didn't work out--his subsequent cross country road trip across the states and washington, dc. i remember thinking that he was both forthright about his opinions, but difficult to read. even now, at times, he's still a bit confusing. (interestingly, one of the first things that he noted about me was that i was able to take care of my belongings and didn't require help!)
somewhere, somehow, along the way of our getting to know each other, i began to see in him the qualities and traits i find beautiful and loveable in a partner. here on the farm, we've had some really magical moments--all of us--in that we simply "get" each other. we share the same life ideals and values and work towards making the life we want to live, the kind of life that we actually live. (I LOVE THAT!) and during that time, he made it known that he likes me and is attracted to me. BUT. because of where he is in his life and also because of where i am in my life, our relationship is what it is: a tryst, a temporary thing. but, i want it to be more. i wish it could be more. since it can't and won't be, i am reminding myself to be aware, present, and appreciative of what it is, in the time that it exists.
this is not to say that i have a hardened heart. i believe my heart and gut are very closely linked and when things feel wrong, they alert me in close succession or sometimes, in sync. inversely, when things feel right, my heart and gut are in promising alignment, and i feel brave, at peace and free to love.
i did not anticipate or even fathom that this, my heart opening, would've happened on the farm, with this particular boy. he's unlike any other person i've met--he's outrageously, unabashedly himself: a creative, unpredictable, slightly mysterious, original, arrogant, eccentric, handsome, incorrigibly stubborn, sweet, generous, thoughtful, and passionate farmer.
when i landed in halifax, he's the one that came to pick me up at the airport and while i can handle my own bags, thank you very much, i remember feeling a bit taken aback that he didn't even offer to help me. on the ride to the farm, we talked a lot about music, rural farm life, his last girlfriend (whom he met on the farm) that he went to visit in california--things didn't work out--his subsequent cross country road trip across the states and washington, dc. i remember thinking that he was both forthright about his opinions, but difficult to read. even now, at times, he's still a bit confusing. (interestingly, one of the first things that he noted about me was that i was able to take care of my belongings and didn't require help!)
somewhere, somehow, along the way of our getting to know each other, i began to see in him the qualities and traits i find beautiful and loveable in a partner. here on the farm, we've had some really magical moments--all of us--in that we simply "get" each other. we share the same life ideals and values and work towards making the life we want to live, the kind of life that we actually live. (I LOVE THAT!) and during that time, he made it known that he likes me and is attracted to me. BUT. because of where he is in his life and also because of where i am in my life, our relationship is what it is: a tryst, a temporary thing. but, i want it to be more. i wish it could be more. since it can't and won't be, i am reminding myself to be aware, present, and appreciative of what it is, in the time that it exists.
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