helpless in love.

the title pretty much says it all. i'm in love! I'M IN LOVE! and i'm in it full force, which means, i'm rather helpless when it comes to doing anything else but thinking about love.

funny fotos: the man of my affections and i having some photobooth laughs!

ten days.

ten days from now marks the last day of my farm internship here in maitland, nova scotia, canada. as with other experiences defined by a specific amount of time, concrete beginning and ending dates, i feel a seeming contradiction of emotions--happy/sad and ready to go/wanting to stay.

during these transitions, i find myself struggling to stay present, in the here and now, mostly because i'm thinking about what preparations i'll need to take care of in the not too distant and fast approaching future! i'm reminding myself to balance the daily joys here while also arranging plans for december and the new year...

heart in hand.

for a moment, i almost gave my heart for someone else to hold. i nearly let my heart leap into another's hands and i would have offered it to him happily, i would've opened myself in a way i rarely do,--which in and of itself was exhilarating and a bit frightening!-- but since i found out that he's keeping me at arm's length, i've had to readjust my emotions, not necessarily to match his, but to protect the very thing i was actually willing to expose.

this is not to say that i have a hardened heart. i believe my heart and gut are very closely linked and when things feel wrong, they alert me in close succession or sometimes, in sync. inversely, when things feel right, my heart and gut are in promising alignment, and i feel brave, at peace and free to love.

i did not anticipate or even fathom that this, my heart opening, would've happened on the farm, with this particular boy. he's unlike any other person i've met--he's outrageously, unabashedly himself: a creative, unpredictable, slightly mysterious, original, arrogant, eccentric, handsome, incorrigibly stubborn, sweet, generous, thoughtful, and passionate farmer.

when i landed in halifax, he's the one that came to pick me up at the airport and while i can handle my own bags, thank you very much, i remember feeling a bit taken aback that he didn't even offer to help me. on the ride to the farm, we talked a lot about music, rural farm life, his last girlfriend (whom he met on the farm) that he went to visit in california--things didn't work out--his subsequent cross country road trip across the states and washington, dc. i remember thinking that he was both forthright about his opinions, but difficult to read. even now, at times, he's still a bit confusing. (interestingly, one of the first things that he noted about me was that i was able to take care of my belongings and didn't require help!)

somewhere, somehow, along the way of our getting to know each other,  i began to see in him the qualities and traits i find beautiful and loveable in a partner. here on the farm, we've had some really magical moments--all of us--in that we simply "get" each other. we share the same life ideals and values and work towards making the life we want to live, the kind of life that we actually live. (I LOVE THAT!) and during that time, he made it known that he likes me and is attracted to me. BUT. because of where he is in his life and also because of where i am in my life, our relationship is what it is: a tryst, a temporary thing. but, i want it to be more. i wish it could be more. since it can't and won't be, i am reminding myself to be aware, present, and appreciative of what it is, in the time that it exists.

making the most of it all.

when i (happily) left korea, i had no (immediate) intentions of returning. it's not that i didn't enjoy my time, but, teaching 6 days a week and stressing out too often were just WRONG. i vowed to change the way that i lived my life and made daily happiness a priority.

the past year has been so abundantly rich in daily joys, from living at home and reconnecting with my parents, being witness to the most amazing feat of life in the birth of my beautiful niece, jaina while marveling the strength and determination of my sister during her au natural labor. i've also embraced and expressed gratitude for the warm support and loving encouragement from my amazing circle of friends during a serious transitional period in which i realized the direction i want to lead my life.

during this season of harvest, it seems fitting that i'm reflecting on all that makes me feel so full. i am happy to be here, in the now, and feel so connected, renewed, rejuvenated, inspired. in a random turn of events, i was presented with an opportunity to return to korea to teach english at the same academy for one more year. although this is not directly involved with my current passion to learn as much about farming in the hopes of owning and operating my own farm, it is still a good and necessary step in the right direction as far as securing finances for myself for the long term.

i just bought my plane ticket to seoul! i'll be flying out on january 2nd, landing january 3rd and starting work the next day. bring.it.on!

here comes and goes the sun.

it's not uncommon, here on the farm, to look up and see a breathtaking view of the sun--whether it is peeking out from between clouds, or setting as the day nears its end.--and it gets me. every. single. time.

here comes and goes the glorious, enriching, sun.

which which?

i feel pretty certain now, after some 48 hours to digest the possibilities, that going to korea, to teach and save money to put towards farming and farm land, is a very fine option indeed. i'm still glad, however, that i have a few more days until i solidify my decision.

in the middle.

for the past three days i have been waking up earlier than usual--my usual is 6:30am, i've been up around 5-ish!--and it's thrown me in for a loop. typically, i don't have sleeping issues. if anything, i'm the one that can sleep in nearly any situation! i fall asleep on planes often before they leave the tarmac, i have no troubles sleeping on buses or trains. this, therefore, means something. i am feeling a bit on edge, a bit anxious and in unknown flux. right now, i'm in the middle limbo...

i'm in the middle of my stay on the farm and it is here that i am often in the middle of heated and painful-to-witness arguments of a family i work for and with whom i live. i know that every family has its share of dysfunctional dynamics, however, observing and hearing the stinging jabs thrown across the dinner table, across the room, pierce my morale. the air seems stagnant with residual tension.

this is not to say that i'm not enjoying farm life, but that some days feel much longer or burdened than others. but then again, such is life in any environment. it's too easy to fall into a pattern of complaining or whining--i understand the therapeutic release of a good rant session, but it becomes its own beast with too much repetition.--so i've been more conscious of putting forth positive energy to act as a buffer between the zingers.

i have not been the best at updating or documenting my experiences on the farm, so, here's to more posts during the second half of my farm stay. from the first day of work to now, it's immediately noticeable how the weather has dramatically affected the lay of the land. in early september, food production was high, with copious amounts of tomatoes, chard, herbs and lettuces. now, everything takes longer to grow and the plants themselves are more prone to diseases, shedding branches, leaves, showing their willing surrender to the inevitable. because of the cold, the farm's specialty, mixed greens, are given vip status with beds in the warm(er) greenhouses. here on the farm, the greenhouses and sheds are named after winnie-the-pooh characters. inside tigger, christopher robin, heffalump, rabbit, and roo, there are growing (some very slowly) rows of lettuces. pooh houses the herbs: dill, the remaining basil, oregano, thyme, and mint.  gopher and woozle contain the tomatoes and inside eeyore, are trays of seedlings. mondays and thursdays are big harvest days. on tuesdays and fridays, david delivers to restaurants in halifax, which is about a 90 minute drive away and until the season ends, we sell produce at the farmers' markets on the weekends.

for the most part, harvesting isn't rocket science, but it definitely involves being attentive and aware. once instructed on the proper techniques, cutting lettuces--with a pair of scissors!--is straightforward. gather all the leaves of a lettuce plant together and cut 1/2 inch to an inch above the ground, shake out the weeds, pick out the less than ideal leaves and throw into the basket for collection. tomatoes ripen from the top to the bottom of a stem and once they are at least 50% ripe, they are suitable for the picking--just snap them off the bunch! kale leaves are sliced off the stalk from the bottom up. swiss chard leaves are harvested in a similar manner as kale, however, the leaves are harvested from the outside in. we leave each plant in the best condition possible so it's re-growth is encouraged and smooth.

more middles.

i'm also in the middle of debating what to do next year. in some ways the decision could be made for me, as in an option might not be available, but as it stands now, i have until the end of this week to decide whether i want to accept an fair and good offer to teach english in korea for one more year. or not.

this option was something unexpected that arose after speaking with my sweet friend and former co-worker who returned to korea to work another 2 years with the same company. i feel very split and am hoping that the universe will assist me in making the other decision--whether to go to korea and save money for the future or to remain in america and to (hopefully) be offered a farm apprenticeship for a year...i'm a have to sleep on that one.

autumn in nova scotia

make no mistake. autumn is here, and with it, sudden and alarmingly cold weather. it's not yet the end of september and already, my fellow farmers in training and i are wearing layers, down vests, wool sweaters, winter hats, which canadians call tuques--it's the french influence!--and scarves. YIKES! i fear the colder days that will soon make today feel "mild."

despite the cold and shorter days, autumn in nova scotia, is lovely. the farm is surrounded by greens--the lettuces, the forest behind the farm, blues--the bay, the sky, and warm oranges and pinks--the setting sun. autumn means prime time harvest season so even the colors of the produce, the cherry tomatoes, heirloom tomatoes, rainbow chard, and lettuces seem to be glowing more vibrantly. even they know the inevitable.

beyond the farm, about an hour and a half drive away in terence bay, nova scotia, lies hearn island. i was invited to kayak there with friends of friends and take part in "hearn-apolooza" an annual birthday celebration where dan, the birthday boy, and his friends partake in a most amazing and delectable feast of foods prepared over the campfire. the spread was impressive! coolers filled with grapes from dan's backyard, homemade grape juice, a ridiculous amount of cheeses and accompanying baguettes, chips and fresh spicy salsa--courtesy of yours truly, baked potatoes, veggie and feta cheese foil packets, grilled frog legs, caviar with cream cheese on top of belgian endives and cucumbers, roasted duck, smores, banana boats and to top off the evening, before falling into a satisfying sleep in my down sleeping bag, a final round of roasted marshmallows. DELICIOUS!

being removed from all the hubhub of city life means that i get to observe and delight in stars! unaffected by the dim of metropolitan lights, the stars from hearn island were beautifully bright. the milky way was mesmerizing and i even got to see two stellar shooting stars! star-riffic.

i love feeling this connected to nature and the wonderful opportunities to embrace the simple and wholly satisfying moments: the sounds of water from my kayak paddle, the wing span display of a sunning cormorant, the full scope of a sun dog, my hair smelling of campfire. being physically removed from an active urban existence has helped me to re-balance, to be more aware of the subtle differences in this rural life. finding an inner sense of quiet while harvesting lettuces or transplanting seedlings has become easier and i find myself feeling and celebrating gratitude more often.

muddy hands.

the skin around my fingernails are mud-stained and cracked, remnants from my first week on the farm. it's hard to believe that only a week has passed, my time here feels significantly longer than seven days. maybe this feeling of length is from all that i've already observed and learned.

four seasons farm in maitland, canada is an organic farm that specializes in lettuces but also grows AMAZING heirloom tomatoes among other delicious vegetables. it is owned by nancy and david, co-managed by their son, owen, and german farmer to be, sina. (prounounced "xena" in correct german pronunciation.)  the fall 2011 intern team includes melissa (who has been here since may), nick (who arrived in august), renee (who arrived one week earlier than me) and me. i am the only american and i occasionally get made fun of/applauded due to my 'merican accent, quirky sayings and expressions. i don't mind it at all, it serves as a fun platform from which many jokes emerge. and to further display my american pride, i proudly belted out the national anthem, with my hand over my heart, while sina hummed the tune on her kazoo and the others watched from their seats around the glowing campfire. i tried to channel whitney houston as best as i could during the highest notes.

it's nice to sit here and write, to let my thoughts wander and have my time, be that. MY time.  to make farm working times efficient, schedules have been set in place. the work day starts at 7am with an oatmeal break (i find that to be so cute and greatly appreciated! an OATMEAL break!) at 9:30 am. the bulk of the work day is from 10-ish until 2pm, when we sit down for lunch. thankfully, lunch time is an hour so after we eat, there's generally 30 minutes to rest, to check email, to read a chapter of a book or whatnot. i really enjoy working as a team (and feel grateful to be with a group of like-minded people with similar life values and interests), and i'm also finding that in between those social working times (when we harvest collectively or work side by side) i appreciate my time alone. it's nice to have that balance--of community and solo solace. after lunch, we work from 3-6, sometimes though, when duty calls, such as preparing produce for market days, we work until all the tasks are done and dinner is served at 7pm. i like how the duties are shared and as a team, we look out for each other. household duties are also divided and shared, so even the least fun tasks are more enjoyable.

one of the things i noticed immediately (and love very readily) about being here is that farm work helps me see and appreciate life in the simplest, fullest ways. i am aware of the smallest of shifts, a strong breeze that will temporarily prevent a mosquito from biting me, a sudden break in the sky on a grey cloudy day that yields a bright blue, sunshine after the rain, the warmth and mesmerizing swirls of a camp fire, the joy of the first bite of any and every meal, the crisp smells of freshly cut cilantro, basil, and tomatoes, resting my head and falling effortlessly into sleep.

labor day.

i think it's funny (or perhaps astutely fitting!) that on a federal holiday that celebrates all the social and economic contributions of workers, a day that most north americans have off work, is the day that i began working. (also interesting to note is that peter j. mcguire, the man who first proposed labor day in the states was inspired by the labour day celebrations he observed in...OH CANADA!)

i have just finished my first day of my internship here at four seasons farm in maitland, canada. i'm nestled quite nicely here in my own room, completely furnished with two dressers, an armchair, a futon/couch, twin bed and bookshelves. (the only thing that would make this room even better is a desk--i'm sitting on the floor, writing with my laptop on top of my makeshift desk, my luggage!) i am definitely in halifax. right before coming to canada, my friend and i set up our own mini-bookclub. with canada on both our minds, complete with a skype bookclub meeting to be determined, we agreed to read about and discuss a classic heroine which we both have not yet read: anne of green gables. days before my departure, i failed to get my hands on a copy and i boarded my plane hoping that i'd find a copy online. wouldn't you know it! just before i began my online search, i looked at my new room's bookshelf and lo and behold, what do i see? that's right. anne. of. green. gables. that's canadian pride right there.

this morning, i woke up at 6am and was sleepily excited to begin my farm education. there are four interns in total: melissa, renee, nick, and me. melissa was on water duty, which, i'll learn more about soon, while the rest of us harvested lettuces. with my basket in tow and scissors in my hands, the sole hired worker, german farmhand, sina, instructed me on how to properly cut romaine freckles lettuce, an heirloom variety--think of traditional romaine lettuce and then add purple freckles throughout!--and green oak leaf lettuce. when you want lettuce to grow a second (or third round) of leaves, you cut two inches or so above their station in the ground. (a secret to enjoying sweeter tasting lettuce is to harvest only during the early morning hours, which is what we did!) once the leaves have been snipped, a white milky liquid emerges. this "milk" gives lettuce its slightly bitter flavor and its scientific name, lactuca sativa is derived from the latin word for milk.  four seasons farm specializes in organic lettuces. there are rows upon rows of all different kinds of lettuces, the kind you often see labeled, "spring mix" in your grocery store are the kinds they cultivate here. it's lovely. once the lettuces have been harvested, they are then washed, bagged, weighed, and sealed. today, i bagged them into one pound bags for them to be shipped to various halifax restaurants tomorrow.

i also harvested yellow patty pan squash and heirloom cherry tomatoes, which taste like sunbursts in your mouth, they are SO GOOD! while harvesting, i made made good of the "seconds" (those not suitable to be sold.) by eating them...ah, the fruits of working on a farm. (YES! pun intended.!) did you know that tomatoes ripen from the top of the vine to the bottom? did you also know that growing tomatoes and basil together increases the health (of the tomato because basil repels insects) and enriches the flavor of both crops? high fives to learning, growing and cultivating the heart, the mind and tastebuds!

hurricane irene.

right now, the howling winds are forcing the rain to spray and splash against my window. above me are the muted sounds of rain against the roof. i feel as if i'm in a rain globe.

last night, i panicked and thought that the hurricane might bring with it, terrible power outages and water shortages. i bought 9-volt batteries for the radio and stocked up with bread and cheese. this morning, i filled 3 empty milk gallons with water and have not stepped foot out of the house all day. even with the wind whiplash against the windows, i am feeling mostly safe.

i remember teaching hurricanes to my 4th grade students during our weather unit in science. i've since forgotten the details, so thanks to the internet, here's how hurricanes form:

Hurricanes begin when a group of storms comes together over warm waters in the ocean along the equator. All summer long, these areas absorb heat from the sun. By late summer, the hotter water temperatures allow storms to strengthen and grow. This signals the start of “hurricane season.”

Warmer water means more energy for a storm’s development. Storm systems create areas of low pressure, which cause large amounts of water to evaporate. This makes the air very humid. As the warm air rises, cooler air rushes in to replace it. As this cycle intensifies, these rushing winds pick up speed.

At first, these winds blow in toward the center of the storm system. As the storm grows, however, the effect of Earth's rotation begins to spin the storm around. The center rotates in a counterclockwise direction. The winds now whip around the center and create the “eye” of the storm. Swirling bands of clouds and rain curve outward from the center and give the forming hurricane its familiar shape.

(thank you, macmillan-mcgraw/hill.)

first an earthquake on tuesday, august 23rd, and 4 days later, a hurricane. i have a feeling that this is only the beginning...and that thought, alarms me.

vintage ella video.

an oldie but a feel goodie, especially if your name is ji sun! (thanks ELLA!)

http://amberandbrady.blogspot.com/2011/03/vintage-ella.html

my brother's fourth video.

my brother is one mad creative individual and i love being involved in his artistic projects. here is our latest escapade, fabulously packaged into a hilarious video from joyous bike rides around cambridge, massachusetts. thank you kanye, jay z, and otis for the inspiration.

my bike is my car: http://vimeo.com/28066830

digits.

after 5 months of living cell phone free in the states, i have joined the approximate 96% of fellow american mobile users. although i am welcoming myself to the connected club, to be honest, i intend to use my portable phone only for extremely important phone calls and/or texts. call me an old fogey, but, i have found that during my time of cell phonelessness, i have held myself more accountable to dates and in turn, so have my friends with whom i've made said plans. yes, yes, i know. unexpected things occur, traffic jams, la-la-la, but where else do you need to be? where else do i need to be? so for me, waiting a brief 10-15 minutes until paths connect is a welcome moment to observe life, make lists, read a passage from my book, or simply let my thoughts drift.

HOWEVER, i must say that i am thankful to others (some, even strangers!) for letting me use their phones during my lack. the other night, after spending time with a friend, i came home late, around midnight and as i had feared, my parents locked me out of the house. they locked the screen door, to which i don't have a key. after some time of futile attempts to stir them from their slumber, i was just about to give up, when! to my delight, an unknown neighbor pulled into his parking spot. with my backpack on my back and a meek smile, i asked the young man if i could use his phone to call my parents who locked me out of the house. four rings and one message on the answering machine later. no dice. repeat. finally! my dad woke up and unlocked the door, granting me access home. so yes, being locked out of one's house is a great example of an important time to use a cell phone and i'm appreciative to have that luxury now. still. don't call me. unless you must.

pastoral musings.

i have just returned home from three days in milwaukee, wisconsin. two half days of traveling equaled one whole day and the other two days were spent as my interview/work days on the urban farm.

recently, i've have been trying consciously to not have preconceived notions or expectations of any new thing. this is difficult i know, especially since i've observed and participated in a spectrum of similarly grouped adventures and experiences, so things don't feel completely 100% "new." but i'm discovering that the more open and free i can be to life, the more i can see and learn from these different, if similar, events.

my time on the farm was a great exercise in being receptive, observant, and attentive. it also involved me being physically active in the hot heat of the sun, sweating profusely, and delighting in apparent daily progress. i helped take care of livestock--2 full (yet free roaming) chicken coops, a multitude of goats, turkeys, and a handful of ducks--trellised tomatoes, moved vegetables, soil, and muck to the compost truck, as well as try to catch rats. yep. that's right. armed with a shovel, i tried to catch rats by bopping them on the head while they emerged from their underground den. call me little bunny foo foo. but these weren't tiny mice, these were fat rats that squealed. it was an adrenaline pumping and frighteningly surreal experience.

it's not surprising that many farms experience rodent and pest issues. there's food everywhere! it's a rat's dream to seek shelter on a farm and gorge itself into gluttony. the farmer, however, will eventually realize this and the problem must be fixed. i, along with the other current interns, micheline and adam, mucked out the front room of the coop where the food was stored and in the process found a family of rats. a handful escaped, one rat went into the chicken coop and died immediately from the group pecking (those hens were FIERCE!), and the fate of the fattest one of all is unknown since it went into the chicken coop too, but we weren't able to locate its body. oh the happenings of life on a farm!

the two work days proved themselves to give me excellent exposure to what my 3 months as a fall intern would entail. hard physical labor aside, i learned more about the management and (dis)organization of the day to day functions. i am more than thankful that the current interns gave me their honest assessments and critiques of the farm. they confirmed what i had suspected...that despite the good work involved, the strained lines of communication, crowded living situation and work load that considers the demands of the organization without very many open modes of mutually agreeable and beneficial dialogues with the work staff, have me convinced that in this point in my life, milwaukee is not the best fit. which means, onward to, HALIFAX, nova scotia. OH CANADA!(impending confirmation...)

what was i thinking?

i recently read a book titled, what was i thinking? 58 bad boyfriend stories. it's a collection of personal, often hilarious and poignant reflections told in first person from 58 women who all shared the "what was i thinking" moment. some of the moments (that made me laugh out loud) were ridiculous and outrageous...from the innocuous but deadly vocabulary faux pas with a one letter difference to a more intense, (seeming) unforgivable male's lack of attention to mutual lifestyle choices (baby). it seems improbable or maybe even mean, that a person, in this case, a fair share of 58 women could and so easily would dismiss the men in the their lives from such simple and harmless acts. however, to their credit, many of these stories involved only a date or two, which, in and of itself, is already pretty non-committal. a few of these stories are "dated" in that the authors reference "grunge" (think kurt cobain) and fiddling with phone cords--CORDS! PEOPLE! remember that shit?--while dishing the goods to their girlfriends. and only a few of them mention meeting their boyfriends online, which is all the current rage. online dating is fast becoming, if it is not already, the norm as a way for busy busy people in this busy busy world to meet their potential match, partner, half-orange.

presently, i'm dating a guy named nicholas whom, i'm not at all shy to admit that i've met online. (okcupid is the current hot spot and i've even seen profiles of previous guys i've dated online there--awwwwwkward!) friends have joked and asked if he lives on the north pole. i wittily reply back that he doesn't, but he is in fact a jolly man. he is jolly. and sweet. kind, affectionate, and self aware. he's also a bit overly romantic (read not necessarily the most realistic) and somewhat too attached to me (or maybe the IDEA of me, which is WORSE!) which makes me feel a bit squeamish. i used to think that i was a low maintenance kind of girl. i don't wear make-up often, i'm much more comfortable hiking in the woods, than i am being wow-ed from the trendiest dance club or posh restaurant, although, i also would not be opposed to dancing all night or an extravagant meal. i'm easily amused, easily entertained and typically laugh at the drop of a hat. BUT. i realized that while i'm not high maintenance when it comes to my own appearances or entertainment, i'm much pickier about the appearances of the men i date and the kind of men whose company i actually enjoy. is it possible to have both my cake and eat it too? am i a hedonistic glutton? are my boots too big for my britches?

since my return from korea, about 5 months ago, i've entered an entirely new level of boy-crazyiness and as a way for me to harmlessly satisfy the want for eye candy, i joined okcupid. for me, it's mostly entertainment--a chance to meet new people but maybe, i'm more drawn to the idea of meeting new people and all the promise that comes with something (new, and shiny, and sparkling!) unknown than working to sustain and maintain a relationship that in my mind, is destined to be temporary. i'm leaving baltimore for a fall internship--which and where is currently in deliberation--and in my seize the moment, carpe diem mentality, i thought that enjoying a summer romance, if it were to happen, would be fun. what i didn't recognize so fully then, in june, was that one of the main reasons why i can have fun in a limited time offer relationship, is that it is exactly that. for a limited time. make no mistake, i'm leaving. don't even try to stop me. as a matter of fact, try to stop me and i'll be gone even faster.

i'm beginning to wonder if i have commitment issues. i'm also beginning to wonder about the moral rectitude of short relationships. and then, my goodness, relationships in general are consuming-ly exhausting! RELATIONSHIPS! nicholas and i have now known each other for 4 weeks. our first week of dating included midnight walks under a full moon while holding hands (soooooo romantic!), cooking together using his vegetables from his csa (dreamy!), making out on the couch (ooh la la, FUN!), and sharing an incredible cone of crispy tater tots as an appetizer during brunch while discussing jesus and judas. we saw each other 6 days in a row and in that fairytale way of getting to know someone and WANTING to get to know someone, we shamelessly gushed our affections. then i went away for a week and gained some (realistic) space and distance and felt smothered by our daily chats and repetitive conversations. i intentionally hid myself online and took some much needed space. in that 36 hours of space, i pulled away and knew i was pulling away. (i'm leaving, i want to leave, i'm going, nothing will stop me.) i wonder if i will always feel this way? am i responsible to nicholas to be anything more or less? no. yet, i can't help feeling...slightly self serving.

what i am thinking now is to stop thinking.

what the hell.

for the past year or so, i've wondered the same thing about romantic relationships. it's the single person's lament: why is it so difficult to meet the kind of people that i want to meet? it's not difficult to meet people, per say. you can have all sorts of innocuous random interactions with strangers in ordinary places, grocery stores, coffee shops, yoga studios, even in passing on the street. but, to meet someone who fits the criteria of what you deem attractive is a whole'nother ball park. literally. and then, to further stretch the analogy, there are so many dang ball parks...

i joined an online dating website because i wanted to at least attempt to meet guys that would be like me: intellectually curious (without being overly academic), silly, easily amused, light-hearted, down to earth, funny, and athletic. after some less than ideal interactions, i shifted my focus from meeting guys to just shamelessly using the website as a harmless source of eye candy. there. i said it. ain't nothing wrong with scoping out the goods, even if they live in california, colorado, and washington state.

what i didn't expect was to actually meet guys that would come close (or actually do) to fitting the bill. i met two eligible bachelors back to back and as life did what it does, having two dates in such close proximity made it obvious which one was more REAL. (even writing this scares me, i'm afraid of jinxing myself...it's still so magically surreal. almost inconceivable. is this really happening? what.the.hell?)

this is what i cannot deny. knowing what i know and remembering just how much i longed for this exact sort of connection, (which was instant, sweet, gentle, and full of integrity) i will try my best to remain present, but recognize that this is indeed, special. magical. it's a bit hard to believe, but, i also know that regardless of what happens, it's so right, right now.

thankful for THAT.

it has been over a year since i felt my heart brim with wonder and curiosity (and maybe even hope?--yes, HOPE!) while meeting someone new. today was the sort of day where the sun was shining, the clouds were floating effortlessly, and meeting him reminded me that i am fully capable of feeling this way. feeling happy, giddy, silly and genuine about affection and attention, direct eye contact and holding hands. now that is something for which i'm very thankful.

a good laugh.

i told my mother today that if i was required from my mother in law to have to cook for her and her son, aka my future husband, that i wouldn't get married. my mother laughed for a solid minute or two. i don't really know why she got such a good laugh from my proclamation...i wonder if it's because to her, a nearly 60 year old korean woman, my statement is just outrageously ridiculous? i gotta ask her for clarification...

but, just to be sure for myself, i meant every word i said.

dating, the speedy kind.

as a single woman, i'm not gonna lie. not that i would really lie about it anyway, but the dating world sure can be an (awkward) adventure--to say the least!--and participating in speed dating was an adventure that i'm pretty sure i don't want to repeat.

my friend, amanda and i, braved the heat--no joke, the dc summer heat was so intense that my face was literally pouring sweat after a 10 minute walk from her apt to the metro--and i suffered blisters from my tres chic 2 inch peep-toe booties to pentagon city, virginia (virginia, the location alone should have signaled sirens!) where we met another single lady in the bathroom and the three of us laughed about the vague organization (that should've been another warning sign...) of the speed dating experience, sharing a drink at the bar while we waited for the "dating" to begin.

the event took place at the lounge of the ritz carlton. sounds fancy smancy, but i think i would've preferred a dive bar in dc. the ladies sat at their individual tables with score cards and suggested questions on the backs of coasters. the martini glasses coaster sported questions that were rated "g" while the handcuffs...well, need i say more? they are handcuffs, afterall! (fyi--i did not ask any of those suggested or suggestive questions.)

the eligible bachelors rotated from table to table, while the ladies stayed seated and after a 5 minute session, everyone rated each other from "i'd fancy a go" being the best score, to "not in a million years" being the worst. i rated 2 of the bachelors "maybe after another drink" and the rest were "not my cup of tea." while it was an experience i'm glad i had, it was a bit too formulaic for my taste and a bit too EXHAUSTING. trying to be "on" for that length of time was enough to give me a brain-ache. you can't hurry love that's for sure and thank goodness for that!

mamihlapinatapai

tonight, i learned a new word and it's so beautiful, i have to share it.

mamihlapinatapai, a word from the yaghan language of tierra del fuego, chile.

the guinness book of world records regards it as the "most succint word" and is considered one of the most difficult words to translate. it means, "a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin."

oh heart of hearts! (sigh.)

the baltimore clause.

the smell of old bay crab seasoning lingers on my fingertips and instead of serving as a reminder of the joys of eating crabs as part of a festive 4th of july, it leaves me feeling disturbed and conflicted about the ethics of eating animals.

for the past two and a half months, i've been eating a solid vegetarian diet. i've been, or so i thought, fairly up to date on safe eating practices and know what foods help me feel and look healthy and energized. as i read eating animals by jonathan safran foer and learned more about the packaging of "nutrition" in michael pollan's in defense of food, i realized that there is still so much more to learn. it's difficult to know what sources to trust, (and how these sources are crafting their information to persuade you, the food consumer) however, the information regarding how meats are processed (dishonestly, filthily and inhumanely) is something that i, in good conscious, cannot ignore. i'm not a militant vegetarian and it's not that i'm against eating meat. but what i am against, is eating meat that has been soaking in its own feces infested water so that the meat will gain water weight and cost more per pound at the grocery store. (essentially, you're paying more for feces water, less for meat. do you really want to put that in your mouth? unfortunately, labels with buzz words like "organic" and "free range" don't mean much since the industry isn't strictly regulated and the livelihood of the animals subsist of a short, miserable, nearly always darkened existence where they can't move because there is no space. i won't even rant about slaughterhouses...)

my fellow vegetarian friend, amanda, who is also from my hometown, informed me about what she likes to call the "baltimore clause." maryland is known for being a crabby state and i don't think i've met a native marylander that has denied or declined crabs in any form: steamed, crab cake, crab soup, or soft shell sandwich. amanda who does at times eat fish, called eating crabs her "baltimore clause." she makes this exception to her otherwise vegetarian diet because she is from baltimore, hon.

i decided that, for a day, i would also adopt this clause. and while i did have a good time picking the crabs, smacking the mallet on the claws to get at the meat, i actually enjoyed crunching on some sweet corn on the cob with melted butter and a splash of salt, MORE. what can i say? i'd rather be eating vegetables, for all the reasons that are right to me.

food is so intrinsically linked to our memories. sometimes, i think more than anything else, people want a specific dish particularly because it conjures up an exact memory from childhood, rather the taste of the food itself. (food practices in those days were most likely less damaging to the environment and to our bodies!) not eating meat does make me realize that i do "miss out" on those nostalgic episodes, but, rather than looking backward, i like to focus more on the new vegetarian food memories i make instead. thank you baltimore clause for allowing me to realize that i'm actually not missing out on anything at all.

jaina makes a housecall.

sweet baby jaina arrived, with lovingly plump cheeks, rolls and all, to her grandparents' house and we welcomed her with adoring cheers! it's amazing how quickly babies grow in only two weeks time! during her visit, she seemed curious and yet still calm. she likes to look around a lot and observe her surroundings. my mother noted her inquisitive glances as well and stated that she thought jaina was thinking that she knew that the place where she was, was not her home and was enjoying noting the differences.

perhaps, perhaps not. either way, it's fascinating (as her aunt!) to see her growth and development.

(photos, courtesy of james' iphone.)

doing more because i CAN. and i WANT TO.

it's funny how sometimes we and by we, i mean me, (and you can also include yourself in this category) sometimes forget to do the things we actually enjoy, dare i say, love, admire, adore doing. i love art. i love thinking about it, sketching, drawing, planning, plotting, dreaming about all things art. be it being moved by and swept away by paintings and prints in a museum, gallery, or being amused and grateful for sweet graffiti art and stickers i see on the street, random bathroom art, signage, you name it. i will usually dig it. (unless it's crap. but then again, there's sometimes beauty in the ugly too. other times, it really is just ugly. YIKES!)

this is my time to take life by the balls. BALLS. that means i've got to do it. and when i'm doing it, i'm loving it. here's to remembering to honoring by DOING what i love: art.

in an effort to aid this process, i've called on my family and friends to collaborate with me. my first collaborator is my brother. when he was visiting bmore, he showed me pictures on his camera. one of them was a piece of artwork that he liked, a silhouette of an octopus, that he thought about buying. he didn't actually make the purchase, but it dawned on me, that i would love my brother to own original artwork by me, his sister! i like to hold myself accountable and for the most part i do, but it's also true that when others hold you accountable too, you can be more apt to get it done, sometimes, even better and faster. i thought about replicating the octopus image i saw, but my brother gave me an even better idea. based on his observations at the chicago zoo he was introduced to and was very taken by the axolotl. (pronounced ACKS-a-lot-uhl, which means "water dog.") i have time to embellish and draw variations on the funny salamander creature that is native to mexico. for now, i'm happy with the beginning! i'm well on my way!

accessible and totally do-able resolutions for a better life.

inspired by gala's (galadarling.com) radical self love resolutions as read on bust magazine, i'm relaying this info in blogform to remind myself (and those of you who also like gentle reminders) to continue learning, fostering, and embracing all the simply joys in life.

*devour life: be big, be bold, be brave, free and BADASS. wear red lipstick simply because you want to.
*develop friendship and relationships with your family: there is still so much to (re)discover about close friends and family.
*be responsible: it's up to you to make shit happen. DO IT.
*follow instincts and listen (& HONOR) your GUT: they don't call it a sixth sense for nothing. don't be afraid to use it!
*be kind to yourself: give yourself permission to be imperfect, messy, loud, carefree, beautiful and ever-evolving.

a big one. (what makes you smile?)

my friend, amber, who coincidentally makes me smile!, was visiting baltimore from idaho falls and to show her a grand ole time in charm city, i took her to various delicious eateries: one world cafe, the brewer's art, and golden west cafe. we also loved exploring the american visionary art museum where we oohed and ahhed, sighed with compassion, and laughed with delight and silliness! it's a fabulously curated exhibit that's adoringly filled with all sorts of insights into the things that make us smile.

there was a room titled, "toots suite" and it was decorated with all sort of fart related artworks. in the center of it all was a bench that was decked out with self inflating whoopee cushions--oh man! i had a ball! and so did the other museum goers who were tooting up a storm!

fart jokes very naturally lend themselves to poop jokes and this reminded me of a particularly exuberant and charismatic student named june. one day, he informed me that he had to go to the bathroom and asked to go, quickly. (insert the classic holding of the crotch and running in place motion.) i gave him permission to go and that's when he totally dished out too much (but funny!) information. he said, "teacher, i can tell it's going to be a BIG ONE."

wow.
thanks, june.
for being so memorable!
and for making me smile.

mom love.

dear mom,
i know that when i began to use an empty glass jar i found in the cupboard as a drinking cup, you questioned my choice and laughed at my unconventionality. but, you see, the jar seems to fit perfectly in my hand--an awesome combination of heigh, weight, and material.

the other day, when i returned home from a brief respite away, you handed me the same glass jar and told me that you remembered how much i liked it and so that i may use it again, you cleaned it for me. that simple act of kindness and love made my day. thank you mom for being so sweet. i love you.

love,
me

everything that can happen in a day

i just read a very quick book--it's actually a creative, silly, self-exploratory book of ideas!--and the title is everything that can happen in a day, by david horvitz.

he suggests that this string of words (everything that can happen in a day) is a nice way to wake up in the morning and think, "what will happen today? what can happen today? what can i make happen today? what will i make happen today?" i like that, a lot.

karma points

i just scored big (HUGE!) karmic points by returning a wallet to its rightful and very relieved owner.

yesterday, i went for my usual run in rock creek park and while i was stretching by the various exercise stations, on one of the signs posts, i noticed a black wallet with a very awesome bike screen print on the front. wondering if it was left there intentionally by the only other person in the vicinity--at the time he was swinging on the still rings. what a misleading name: still rings!--i let it be. but when the man ran by without so much as a glance at the wallet, i knew that it was up to me to do the right thing.

it wasn't as easy as i thought it would be track the owner! he had a very common name (matthew bailey) and my facebook search posted nothing. my linkedin search was also a bust and even though i had what i thought was his current address on his voter registration card, i came up blank in finding a contact number. so, i tried the next best thing. i called his dad. in washington state. from his driver's license, i was able to find a home phone number using his parent's address and once his dad realized that i wasn't part of the mafia or trying to scam him, i was given mr. bailey's cell phone number, in washington dc.

the story ends well. he met me in dupont and i happily returned his wallet. some high fives were also exchanged and i felt pleased doing my good samaritan and sleuthing act of the day.

after a big fall...

these are the moments i wish i could bottle up and drink like an elixir of magical happiness and satisfaction when i'm feeling debbie downer or needy and moody. however, i also recognize that not having such a continuous stream of fairytale fabulous-ness is what makes me enjoy, savor and TRULY honor such moments with a full, appreciative heart and open mind. and let's be real. suffering is a natural aspect of life and sometimes, those less-than-ideal opportunities are just as ripe for growth and knowledge.

this morning, after waking up slowly in moira's lovely apt, i realized that i didn't allow myself enough time for a leisurely stroll to meet amanda near dupont circle. because of this, i picked up the pace and began to jog. (now i know the reason why i don't wear my chucks when i go running!) i was going at a nice clip when all of a sudden, i tripped on an exposed and raised crack in the sidewalk. what didn't help the situation was that chucks have big toe uppers, which sadly got all too easily caught in the shifted cement. i was running happily and a second later, i was on the sidewalk with my yoga mat tossed lightly to the side and a throbbing pain in my left wrist. turns out my watch took the brunt of the fall and i completely bent the closing latch, as well as scuff the shit out of the side of a few stainless steel panels. oopsa. interestingly enough, i chuckled at such a clumsy fall (face it! falls are funny! and when you actually see a person falling, it's HILARIOUS!--of course, as long as they don't seriously injure themselves...) and picked myself up, got the dirt of my shoulder, and quickly walked--no more running!--to Q and connecticut where amanda was waiting for me.

once in her car, i surveyed the damages and in the beginning i was so bummed out about my watch, that i didn't realize that the biggest sore wasn't my wrist, it was my right knee. i had skinned it and didn't see it until i sat down in the front seat. it was bleeding, but not too badly. amanda offered to stop at cvs to get some medical supplies, but, it wasn't anything that good ole soap and water couldn't handle once we got to the embassy.


on friday, amanda sent me an invitation to attend a free pilates session at the rooftop of the swedish embassy also known as house of sweden. (whenever i get my own space, i'm calling it house of chong.) say WHAT?!? giddy at this golden opportunity we got to the embassy in georgetown bright and early and after the parking meter emptied amanda's change purse of it's coinly possessions, we made our merry way (me still laughing at my fall and amanda joining me in the giggles!) to house of sweden. (i love that. house of sweden.) along the way, a trio of bikers passed us and while we waited for them to clear the sidewalk, we happened to pause by a group of pepco workers. i tripped (again!) on the grate and one of the workers, commented, "be careful! i see you already hurt yourself once! you don't want to do it again!" hahahahaha! true enough! and then, without skipping a beat, the other worker offered me a band-aid and i gladly accepted. after he located the band-aids (2) and one iodine antiseptic packet, he even was so kind as to offer to put the band-aids on me! how creepily sweet. i declined the offer but thanked him for the band-aids. the kindness of strangers makes me so happy!


once we were on the rooftop, we reveled in the sunlight (warm!), view (awesome!) and the general excitement from other participants (cute!). the pilates session was a fabulous start to a glorious saturday and a blissful reminder of how many sweet opportunities there are in the district. it's so good to be here.

bouncy ball

jaina loves being sung to while bip-bopping on the bouncy ball. i believe i was singing michael jackson's "man in the mirror" to her when this was taken. as of right now, she's not particularly picky when it comes to musical selection, but i think she'll always have a connection with enya. (wink, wink, jin!)

soup love.

i love soup. it's (usually) hearty, nutritious, delicious, and fabulously satisfying. i came across this italian saying and wholeheartedly agree!

sette cose fa la zuppa--soup does seven things.

1. relieves your hunger
2. quenches your thirst
3. fill your stomach
4. cleans your teeth
5. makes you sleep
6. helps you digest
7. colors your cheeks

to soup! SOUP!

completely unexpected

*originally written 12/06/2010. revised and completed, today.*

as a teacher, i try to come up with new ways to illuminate the same subject. there's nothing worse than a stale activity to disengage students from wanting to learn more. for as long as i can remember, i've loved words. i am what you would call a logophile. in this final month of teaching, i wanted to emphasize more of the fun aspect and less of the burdensome of learning and using vocabulary words. to demonstrate the fun, i created a quiz game like atmosphere by having teams of two work together to see which duo can accurately state the most vocabulary words in one minute.

to add to the suspense, the teams were also chosen randomly and with everyone's cell phones' timers set to 60 seconds, my students were transformed from vocabulary dissidents to word nerd competitors. IT. WAS. AWESOME.

i knew the activity would be engaging, but i was pleasantly surprised to realize that it was spot on, on other levels. 1) my students were motivated to remember the words more solidly. 2) they were reviewing the words as they were in game mode. 3) they themselves knew whether they had studied well enough or not. in sum: accountability and responsibility.

the activity also brought about some unexpected emotions. after the game, i had my students play another game--a test, in fact!--with higher stakes. using the same vocabulary cards, i held them in my hand like a deck of cards. each student had to choose a vocabulary word and state the definition. if it was correct, (for the first word) they received 100%. if they got the second word correct, they received 90%, so on and so forth. in my second saturday class, only one student, brian received a 90%. now, let me tell you, brian is not a dumb kid. he's incredibly fluent and funny, but to be honest, he is a bit of a slacker. he's one of those kids that doesn't apply himself to the best of his ability but is confident regardless.

after he received his 90%, he begged me to try again, to try for a 100%. i refused, stating that rules are rules and once you waver for one person, impartiality is jeopardized. truthfully, his average vocabulary score is usually in the 80's so, knowing this, i thought that he would be pleased with a 90%! to my astonishment, he took this very seriously. maybe a bit TOO seriously and he began to cry. WHOA. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING FROM A MILE AWAY...and neither did any of the other students. we were all puzzled and stunned to see the class clown, break down, unashamedly in front of everyone.

to alleviate his stress, i took him outside the classroom (i instructed the other students to continue studying their vocabulary words) and into a smaller consultation room so we could talk it out. he told me in between deep breaths that he felt really embarrassed and ashamed that he was the only student in the class that didn't get 100%. i reassured him that while i understood wanting to be like everyone else, he still received a good score and that even though vocabulary scores are important, they're not as important as actually knowing and using the words correctly, which he did during the activity. i also told him that luck is not always in our favor and that in unlucky times, what we can do is remember that instances like these are not nearly as important as they seem. after a few more deep breaths, he calmed down and class resumed without any more calamities.

i learned a couple of valuable lessons that day. i realized my own prejudice with a student who i didn't think would demonstrate such visceral emotions and then, once he did, was really touched that he felt that comfortable and safe in our classroom to expose his vulnerabilities. perhaps, i am reading too much into the situation, but, it made me realize yet again, how much we expect the same thing from each other on a daily basis and how that sense of expectancy is so limiting and completely unrealistic. it is good to challenge our own ideas of who people are and then, be surprised by the depths and capabilities to feel and understand.

it's okay.

i've noticed recently, that all too often, family members (myself included) tend to be too short, curt, rude, and impatient with each other--get this!--when they don't have to be. our habitual reactions to our family members--those who love us when we are less than our ideal selves, or perhaps more accurately, those who love and support us completely, and accept and excuse us, especially when we are exposing the ruthless honest layers of ourselves--are deeply rooted in annoyance, restlessness, and greed. it's okay to have moments of recklessness, but, it's not okay to be mean.

being in washington dc has provided me with a colorful variety of situations in which to observe and cultivate awareness--both internal and social. whether i'm walking through columbia heights, adams morgan or mt pleasant, to riding public transportation and simply waiting in lines at grocery stores, there is no shortage of opportunities for greater learning and appreciation.

just yesterday, i rode the green/yellow line from archives/navy memorial to columbia heights. at some point along the ride, i noticed a family of five, (father, mother, 3 sons) look at the map and then get off at a particular stop, and only seconds later, return on the train and resume the space they had just previously occupied. they inspected the metro stop guide map again and realized that they were going in the wrong direction. instead of blaming one another for going the wrong way, the oldest son said, "it's okay, dad." i deduced that 1. the father had made the directional mistake. 2. that particular family is okay with mistakes, admitting to them, and then easily fixing them. baddabingbaddaboom. EZ.

what struck me about this particular observation was their calm and collected--dare i say CIVIL--demeanor. there was no screaming, no yelling, no blaming, no pointing fingers, no rolling of eyes, or tsk tsking of the tongue, no passive aggressive snide comments, no "i told you's" or vexation. it was a simple mistake--something even locals do!--and the fix was just as simple.

it was a fabulous illustration of how small choices--choosing to be peaceful, choosing to recognize that a small mistake is not worth getting all worked up or angry over--have deeply profound impacts. it was a lovely reminder for me to continue making such consciously peaceful and compassionate--NICE!--choices. i am grateful for the kindness of that little boy's remark. "it's okay..." exactly. it. is. okay.

j-j-j-jaina!

my birthday this past january was momentous for two very important reasons. first, i was on vacation, traveling throughout the landscapes of vietnam and feeling very carefree, genuinely happy, and ALIVE. on my actual birthday, my friends jennifer, kathleen and i were on a motorbike tour where we zipped around the curvaceous dalat highland hillsides on scooters surrounded by the lush greenery of spring on the ground and the expansive clear blue sky above. it was my birthday, a day that my mom recalled to me with laughter in her voice, the day that my paternal grandmother cut my umbilical cord and fashioned my current belly button. it was my birthday and i was thankful for my life.

on that same day, my sister asked me to be attend the birth of her daughter, her first child, sometime near her expected day of arrival: march 31, 2011. she said that she'd welcome my "positive and reassuring support." i was honored to be invited to my sister's labor and delivery and until i arrived home, didn't think too much about what the actual labor and delivery would entail.

on april 5, 2011, jaina raejin taylor was born at 3:30pm, on the dot. i have never, in my life, witnessed or been a part of anything so profoundly AWESOME, intense, intimate, and fascinating. my beautiful niece has the most badass labor warrior of a mother and the nurturing unwavering support of her father.

witnessing the delivery of a baby and the post labor fatigue has instilled in me the most incredible appreciation for my mother, my grandmothers, my sister, my friends who are mothers--ALL MOTHERS!!!--and their tenacious spirit in enduring 9 months of hormonal shifts, tender parts, and a phenomenal amount of stretching.

welcome sweet jaina to our world. i already love you so much!

I'M BAAAAAAAACK!

it has now been 4 weeks since i made my long awaited and anticipated return home and a lot has happened in that duration. (4 weeks = 28 days, but doesn't the former sound a lot longer than the latter?) i spent one week recovering from jet leg (that shit was no joke!) and the next, visiting friends in our nation's capital. elated but overwhelmed by the urban sensory overload, i happily re-retreated back into my suburban existence in my room, in my parents' house, and created a loose-fitting yet still well guided table of contents for what will be my book of personal stories/essays/rants & raves. week 4 (april 5, 3:30pm) was outstandingly momentous since it included the arrival of my niece, jaina raejin taylor. she is, without a doubt, the most inconceivably adorable, beautiful baby. i was present for my sister's labor and delivery and being witness to such an incredibly fascinating, lovingly intimate, painfully raw process was an awesome honor not only as a sister, a friend, a woman, but also simply as a human being. (holy shit, that was fucking amazing.)

being back has been a rather effortlessly smooth adjustment. i know that i am lucky and extremely thankful to be surrounded by a tremendous support network of family and friends who are not only radiantly encouraging, but so marvelously generous and sharing. (at this moment, i'm writing from my friend sebastian's lovely apartment in dc. he offered his home to me while he is traveling for work for the next two weeks. fantastic!) what's also fabulously freeing is that my existence these days isn't centered around work that exhausts or depletes, giving too much of myself without feeling reciprocity. instead, my "work" involves time to focus and craft the stories that shape me...as me! i am taking this time, time i truly owe to myself, to devote to creating what i believe in, things that make me feel alive, happy, challenged, and engaged to the core.

it's a risk, but a calculated one with astoundingly more positive than negative results. but, perhaps it's not a risk at all. this is something that i've been wanting to do for a long, long time and maybe the only risky thing is that i've come to this place of acceptance in giving myself this space and time to do just that. that's right bitches, I'M BAAAAAAAACK!