just after i was given my first round of anesthesia, when my upper lip and even the area below my nose felt numb, my dentist gave me a run down of the implant procedure. i was told that i would hear some hammering but not to worry, that that was standard procedure. oh great, they're going to effin hammer my bone. but since i knew that i would hear drilling, i guess hammering wasn't too unrelated.
all drugged up with my paper smock around my neck and a cloth hair cap over my head--would the proper name be a surgical cap?--i was ushered into the operating room. there were bright lights and lots of tools i had never seen before. all very surgical! after i sat in the chair, they placed a green smock, in two parts, over my entire body. the first part covered my stomach and legs, the second part covered my face to my stomach. yes. they covered my face. and there was a hole allotted for my nose and mouth. at first, i thought, am i okay with this? am i okay with not being able to see everything that they're going to be doing? and then i realized that yes, this was probably better than actually being able to see all the blood gushing out of my gums and going into the suction tube. besides, the sounds i heard were pretty disturbing and disgusting enough on their own.
with my eyes covered, my other senses, taste, touch and definitely sound were on high alert. the first part of the procedure was to open up my gums so they could expose the bone. with my gums completely numb, i couldn't feel a thing, but based on what my dentist told me, i could imagine what was happening. after they cut me up and could assess my bone loss, which was significant, they began to expand my bone. how does one's bone get expanded? with hammering. in order for my bone to support the titanium rods that were to be drilled in my mouth, there needed to be a sufficient amount of bone, but since mine was so thin, they had to stretch it out. they literally hammered into the middle of my bone to expand from the inside out.
when my dentist was hammering into my bone, it sounded like he was hammering my remaining teeth away, which, of course he wasn't, but hey! that's what it sounded like! NASTY! it didn't hurt, but the sound was definitely jarring. and then that's when the drilling began. when you drill into bone, you have to do it at a consistent speed so as to not burn the bone--this is why water is important. while my dentist was drilling, water was being sprayed simultaneously to keep it cool. and then, after the holes were made, the titanium rods were put in their places. my front tooth's rod was placed in straight, but because of my bone loss, my tooth no.7's rod was placed at an angle. then, my dentist did a bone graft to supplement my existing bone and stitched me up. the entire surgery took just about 2 and 1/2 hours, 3 rounds of anesthesia, a bathroom break, and 2 x-rays.
what comes after is a world of pain and some incredible swelling action.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
post-op
trying to eat even a cup of yogurt after surgery is a difficult task. i'm home. and the anesthesia is starting to wear off, exposing the depth of pain that it previously masked. it's not a sharp, sudden pain, but more of the gradual yet continuously increasing ever present sort of pain. i going to take a much-needed nap now, more soon.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
t-2 days
in 2 days i'll undergo dental implant surgery. it's been a while in the making, an exhaustive emotionally charged undertaking in trying to find a dentist that i trust. i traveled throughout seoul to 6 different dental clinics. i gauged prices, critiqued offices, and scrutinized information. this was done in mostly korean. x-rays and mirrors were incredibly helpful. there were a lot of words i didn't know. however, i finally decided on a dental clinic that is conveniently located within a 15-minute bus ride from my house. this clinic also received a thumbs-up from friends who've not received implants, but other tooth services. an added bonus.
so what exactly are dental implants? they effectively replace lost teeth. i lost my left front tooth (no. 8) and the tooth directly next to it, tooth no. 7 as a senior in high school. it's a long story, and i'll revisit that at some other time, but suffice it to say that a hard floor, shrieks, shock, denial and plenty of novocaine were involved.
thursday, at 10:30am, my dentist will open up my gum lining to get to the bone of my gums. yeah, they're essentially going to skin my gums open to get a real good look at the density of my bone underneath. it's been 10 years since i've actually had teeth or any other root like structure in my gums, so there has been significant, but not irreparable bone loss. my dentist will gauge at that time, what one of things two scenarios will be mine.
1. drill two holes, insert two titanium rods into my gums while also giving me a bone graft, bone material that will congeal with my existing bone and strengthen the rods that have been drilled. YES, DRILLED. in my mouth.
or
2. simply give me a bone graft if i don't have enough already existing bone mass to support the titanium rods that will be, ahem, YES, DRILLED into my gums at a later time.
i'm hoping that scenario 1 will happen. giddy up! it's been 10 years, 10 YEARS, since i've had a full set of teeth in my mouth and i am ready! now, i will not have permanent teeth right away. after the rods have been drilled, (alright alright, i'll stop with the drilling!) and the bone graft completed, i have to wait. i have to wait anywhere from 3-6 months until the bone graft has healed and osseointegration (osseointegration n. defintion: is the direct structural and functional connection between living bone and the surface of a load-bearing artificial implant, typically made of titanium. It is a property virtually unique to titanium and hydroxylapatite, and has enhanced the science of medical bone, and joint replacement techniques.) is complete.
they'll give me different falsies--i have no idea what they'll look like, but i hope they'll be a decent pair!--to wear in the meantime.
am i scared? fuck yes.
and i excited? hell yeah.
so what exactly are dental implants? they effectively replace lost teeth. i lost my left front tooth (no. 8) and the tooth directly next to it, tooth no. 7 as a senior in high school. it's a long story, and i'll revisit that at some other time, but suffice it to say that a hard floor, shrieks, shock, denial and plenty of novocaine were involved.
thursday, at 10:30am, my dentist will open up my gum lining to get to the bone of my gums. yeah, they're essentially going to skin my gums open to get a real good look at the density of my bone underneath. it's been 10 years since i've actually had teeth or any other root like structure in my gums, so there has been significant, but not irreparable bone loss. my dentist will gauge at that time, what one of things two scenarios will be mine.
1. drill two holes, insert two titanium rods into my gums while also giving me a bone graft, bone material that will congeal with my existing bone and strengthen the rods that have been drilled. YES, DRILLED. in my mouth.
or
2. simply give me a bone graft if i don't have enough already existing bone mass to support the titanium rods that will be, ahem, YES, DRILLED into my gums at a later time.
i'm hoping that scenario 1 will happen. giddy up! it's been 10 years, 10 YEARS, since i've had a full set of teeth in my mouth and i am ready! now, i will not have permanent teeth right away. after the rods have been drilled, (alright alright, i'll stop with the drilling!) and the bone graft completed, i have to wait. i have to wait anywhere from 3-6 months until the bone graft has healed and osseointegration (osseointegration n. defintion: is the direct structural and functional connection between living bone and the surface of a load-bearing artificial implant, typically made of titanium. It is a property virtually unique to titanium and hydroxylapatite, and has enhanced the science of medical bone, and joint replacement techniques.) is complete.
they'll give me different falsies--i have no idea what they'll look like, but i hope they'll be a decent pair!--to wear in the meantime.
am i scared? fuck yes.
and i excited? hell yeah.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
a sad pocket
inside, there is a sense of emptiness, this sort of void that is his shape. and it will close over time. and it has already begun to close. but sometimes it re-opens, when i am reminded of something that he liked. or someplace we've been to together, or a shared comfort i witness in other people that we used to share.
thyroid awareness
online articles like these:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-mark-hyman/hypothyroidism-how-your-t_b_243006.html
make me happy and thankful for increased thyroid awareness.
take care of your thyroid.
fuck yeah.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-mark-hyman/hypothyroidism-how-your-t_b_243006.html
make me happy and thankful for increased thyroid awareness.
take care of your thyroid.
fuck yeah.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
a shout-out
to my family and friends for your loving words of encouragement, inspiration, understanding, compassion, sass, hilarity, selflessness and wisdom. i thank you most sincerely. i am moved by your kindness and generosity, dependability and spontaneity. thank you, thank you, thank you...
Thursday, July 23, 2009
t-7 days
this time next week, i'll be lying on my back, in a reclining chair at my dentist's office getting two holes drilled into my gums. oh SMACK!
Monday, July 20, 2009
a long walk there...
but totally worth it! welcome to song's kitchen. an adorable, inviting restaurant with eclectic decorations. it's a cozy museum of trinkets, randoms, and lights. i love it. my friend, christina and i ventured out in the rain to a quieter part of seoul and what awaited us was exactly what i had been craving: good food to warm the belly and the soul.
spicy rice cakes with seafood:
kimchi fried rice, topped with an egg:
spicy rice cakes with seafood:
kimchi fried rice, topped with an egg:
without a celly
nothing like having something break on you to make you realize just how often you use it! last thursday, my cell phone started to act a bit odd by doing things i didn't tell it to do. it was having touch hallucinations. i dig my cell phone's touch screen, but not if it doesn't allow me to access anything.
so on thursday, it began to act strangely and by friday early evening, it was out. i couldn't text, i couldn't access my phone book, i couldn't call. the only functional thing was that people could call me. that's it. and in korea, most people don't call, they text--why? because it's mad cheaper. lucky for me, my friends rock and thankfully, i have skype.
my friends are amazing. no joke.
on friday, after i realized that my phone was on the fritz, i wanted to take it to the service center, immediately. just as i was about to grab my umbrella (we're in the thick of rainy season) i realized to my extreme disappointment that it was gone. GONE. some punkassbastardbrats stole my freakin umbrella!!! and i lost it. that was the straw, man, the final straw. i had had a strange day, a strange and emotionally draining week, and then my phone gets all whack and then as murphy's law would have it, my umbrella was stolen. i couldn't help it, nor did i want to, i began to cry...my beautiful friend, eun young hugged me, and told me that everything was going to be okay and she told me to cry, to let it all out. and it was really cathartic. i didn't want to, but i had to teach in 5 minutes, so i freshened up and went to work.
later that night, eun young called me and told me to go to the front desk after class. she said she brought me an umbrella! what?!? WHAT?!? i had mentally prepared myself to walk home, in the rain, and be done with it, but my friend, my sweet sweet friend, bought and brought me a new lovely umbrella. i almost cried again, this time, not because my heart felt so empty, but because it felt so full.
so on thursday, it began to act strangely and by friday early evening, it was out. i couldn't text, i couldn't access my phone book, i couldn't call. the only functional thing was that people could call me. that's it. and in korea, most people don't call, they text--why? because it's mad cheaper. lucky for me, my friends rock and thankfully, i have skype.
my friends are amazing. no joke.
on friday, after i realized that my phone was on the fritz, i wanted to take it to the service center, immediately. just as i was about to grab my umbrella (we're in the thick of rainy season) i realized to my extreme disappointment that it was gone. GONE. some punkassbastardbrats stole my freakin umbrella!!! and i lost it. that was the straw, man, the final straw. i had had a strange day, a strange and emotionally draining week, and then my phone gets all whack and then as murphy's law would have it, my umbrella was stolen. i couldn't help it, nor did i want to, i began to cry...my beautiful friend, eun young hugged me, and told me that everything was going to be okay and she told me to cry, to let it all out. and it was really cathartic. i didn't want to, but i had to teach in 5 minutes, so i freshened up and went to work.
later that night, eun young called me and told me to go to the front desk after class. she said she brought me an umbrella! what?!? WHAT?!? i had mentally prepared myself to walk home, in the rain, and be done with it, but my friend, my sweet sweet friend, bought and brought me a new lovely umbrella. i almost cried again, this time, not because my heart felt so empty, but because it felt so full.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
timing
i've always known timing to be a crucial component to a good relationship...i now believe it's 99.9% of it.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
we talked...
and then i cried.
i'm tired of feeling angry and i'm REALLY tired of feeling sad.
in an effort to make the heartache and pain go away quickly, i googled, "how to get over someone." yes, i know. i'm SUCH a nerd. there wasn't much that i didn't already know, but one website actually suggested that you find someone new:
"You need to find someone new. This is not going to be the one, they're only good for right now. Find someone nice to cuddle and go to movies and dinners with and when you're done, then end it. I know this seems harsh...and it is harsh, but enough's been done to you so you have every right to dish a little out yourself. Don't think of it as using, think if it as borrowing.. you're going to give it back when you're done."
WHAT THE FUCK?!?! but enough's been done to you so you have every right to dish a little out yourself. you've got to be fucking kidding me! please people, for the love of pat sajack, do not--DO NOT--heed that advice. where is there any compassion in that? whoever wrote that shit didn't and obviously still doesn't get that two wrongs do not make a right...and intentionally doing something just to "get back" is the most selfish and heartless of actions. and you wonder why rebounds occur! this fuckface is actually endorsing it and then justifying the action by saying you'll give it back when you're done--people are not objects to be used and then returned (which is really a nicer way of saying, discarded). sometimes, the way people think (and don't think--come on, people, THINK!) really scares me.
uhhhh, so no worries for me in that department. i'm not thinking of getting back, i'm only thinking of getting over.
i'm tired of feeling angry and i'm REALLY tired of feeling sad.
in an effort to make the heartache and pain go away quickly, i googled, "how to get over someone." yes, i know. i'm SUCH a nerd. there wasn't much that i didn't already know, but one website actually suggested that you find someone new:
"You need to find someone new. This is not going to be the one, they're only good for right now. Find someone nice to cuddle and go to movies and dinners with and when you're done, then end it. I know this seems harsh...and it is harsh, but enough's been done to you so you have every right to dish a little out yourself. Don't think of it as using, think if it as borrowing.. you're going to give it back when you're done."
WHAT THE FUCK?!?! but enough's been done to you so you have every right to dish a little out yourself. you've got to be fucking kidding me! please people, for the love of pat sajack, do not--DO NOT--heed that advice. where is there any compassion in that? whoever wrote that shit didn't and obviously still doesn't get that two wrongs do not make a right...and intentionally doing something just to "get back" is the most selfish and heartless of actions. and you wonder why rebounds occur! this fuckface is actually endorsing it and then justifying the action by saying you'll give it back when you're done--people are not objects to be used and then returned (which is really a nicer way of saying, discarded). sometimes, the way people think (and don't think--come on, people, THINK!) really scares me.
uhhhh, so no worries for me in that department. i'm not thinking of getting back, i'm only thinking of getting over.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
no better way...
to say it, other than it just sucks. SUCKS. IT SUCKS. SUUUUUUUUCKS.
relationships can bring out the best and ugliest qualities in people. it's a dangerous exhilarating roller-coaster of adrenaline and emotions. you feel high. you feel sick. you can die.
the beginnings are always euphoric and full of disbelief. is this possible? pinch me, i think i'm dreaming. i can't believe it! is this real? the likelihood of meeting someone who isn't 1) certifiably crazy 2) a dumbass 3) married 4) married with kids 5) gay or 6) all of the above seems like a feat worth celebrating in and of itself. it's easy to meet people, but it's very difficult to meet a person to connect with, mentally, physically and emotionally. let me say that again. it feels damn near impossible to meet someone who gets you, understands you, and wants to be with you. AND hold your hand. AND kiss your neck. AND tickle your tummy. AND you want to do all the same things. AND you finish each other's sentences and make puns, because they're punny.
so it just sucks, when the ride feels like it has been cut short. it's like you're dangling at the top, upside down, feeling nauseous and crying. an unresolved past, even if it's not your own, has a way of sneaking up on you. it chooses for you what you'd rather not do, but must, because there's no other way.
i must admit, that a part of me wanted to go jerry springer on his ass. "i'm the best you've ever haaaaaaaad!" but that's such bullshit and in fact, that's not even what i want to say, at all. those are words that arise from a place of anger and disappointment, confusion and jealousy. that's ugly. when we're upset, and intense emotions are involved, we can get ugly. after writing a really harsh, uncensored rant within seconds of transmission, i realized that i have no need to get ugly. i got ugly and it didn't really make me feel that much better. (okay. it did. but it didn't last very long.) i'm terribly sad, hurt and disappointed.
it didn't work out. so what do i do? it sucks, (IT SUCKS REEEEAAAAAAAAL BAD!) but, i move on.
relationships can bring out the best and ugliest qualities in people. it's a dangerous exhilarating roller-coaster of adrenaline and emotions. you feel high. you feel sick. you can die.
the beginnings are always euphoric and full of disbelief. is this possible? pinch me, i think i'm dreaming. i can't believe it! is this real? the likelihood of meeting someone who isn't 1) certifiably crazy 2) a dumbass 3) married 4) married with kids 5) gay or 6) all of the above seems like a feat worth celebrating in and of itself. it's easy to meet people, but it's very difficult to meet a person to connect with, mentally, physically and emotionally. let me say that again. it feels damn near impossible to meet someone who gets you, understands you, and wants to be with you. AND hold your hand. AND kiss your neck. AND tickle your tummy. AND you want to do all the same things. AND you finish each other's sentences and make puns, because they're punny.
so it just sucks, when the ride feels like it has been cut short. it's like you're dangling at the top, upside down, feeling nauseous and crying. an unresolved past, even if it's not your own, has a way of sneaking up on you. it chooses for you what you'd rather not do, but must, because there's no other way.
i must admit, that a part of me wanted to go jerry springer on his ass. "i'm the best you've ever haaaaaaaad!" but that's such bullshit and in fact, that's not even what i want to say, at all. those are words that arise from a place of anger and disappointment, confusion and jealousy. that's ugly. when we're upset, and intense emotions are involved, we can get ugly. after writing a really harsh, uncensored rant within seconds of transmission, i realized that i have no need to get ugly. i got ugly and it didn't really make me feel that much better. (okay. it did. but it didn't last very long.) i'm terribly sad, hurt and disappointed.
it didn't work out. so what do i do? it sucks, (IT SUCKS REEEEAAAAAAAAL BAD!) but, i move on.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
que sera, sera
things in life are never really certain. sometimes it's the most quietly rewarding things that are the most uncertain. the other night, i had this gnawing suspicion that i would have to make a difficult yet firm decision regarding my affection towards a very certain someone. it had been something that lurked (shout-out to kelly!) in the back of my mind, like a persistent pebble in my shoe, something i wanted to get rid of easily, but knew that it would require a lot of effort and know-how.
i am proud of myself. i felt something in my gut, it told me to think, and think i did. it told me to act, and act i did. i like to think i did those things with poise and grace, humility and honor.
i am proud of myself. i felt something in my gut, it told me to think, and think i did. it told me to act, and act i did. i like to think i did those things with poise and grace, humility and honor.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
thursday, june 30th
while i was waiting at the doctor's office, (no worries, just a routine thyroid check-up) i read my horoscope and it was spot on!
if you pile too much on your plate, you will fall short of your expectations. focus on getting the job done. not reaching your goals will cost you financially, emotionally, and physically.
i think that was the universe's way of affirming what i already know: keep your eyes on the prize and get shit done. word.
if you pile too much on your plate, you will fall short of your expectations. focus on getting the job done. not reaching your goals will cost you financially, emotionally, and physically.
i think that was the universe's way of affirming what i already know: keep your eyes on the prize and get shit done. word.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
